Galactic Guidance, a Zodiac Advice Column: Which sign is the biggest cheater?

When your horoscope app doesn’t have the answers, look to the stars for advice. And by that, we mean look to Gala Galactic, HelloGiggles’ resident zodiac advice columnist. If you’ve got zodiac questions, she’s got answers for Galactic Guidance: A Zodiac Advice Column. All you have to do is send your Qs to [email protected]. Happy stargazing! 

Dear Gala,

I was talking to my friends about cheaters and whether we think certain signs or elements are more prone. I said fire and air signs, my friend said that leaves out Pisces, which are the worst offenders. Do you think certain signs, elements, or placements are more prone? Is it fucked up to generalize?

— The Generalizer

Dear Generalizer,

We all generalize sometimes. Our brains evolved to sort information into categories so that we might better understand what we encounter and, a majillion years later, here we are talking about what makes a cheater based on elements alone. Would that it were so simple, Astro querent. Meanwhile, the cosmos offers up its myriad complexities. Aspects in the natal charts of regular humans with flawed hearts reveal themselves as indicators or evidence. Our charts can keep our darkest instincts hidden or, ultimately, get us caught. Isn’t that what most cheaters want, after all? To be found out, and to prove to themselves that love is a losing game?

Leaving aside negotiated non-monogamy and polyamory (which is, in and of itself, not cheating—although poly people can and do cheat), I’m not sure why your friends think fire and air signs are the most likely to be cheaters. I’ll tell you right now that unless there’s something major in the chart, when a Leo or Aquarius is done with you they are D-U-N. Both these fixed signs are usually too proud to cheat and too invested in the strength of their own integrity. They want love like fireworks, they want to be the apple of your eye, and they want to hold you up with adoration—their favorite apple! You’re more likely to envy these partners’ devotion to their children or families than to secret lovers.

Sagittarians, Geminis and Libras, too, get a bad rap. The truth is, these signs are so adventurous, so flirtatious, and so hard to get a commitment out of because when they decide they’re all in, woo doggies, they are anchored to you. Of course, that won’t stop them from spending lots of valuable energy trying to convince their beloveds that non-monogamy is the only ethical choice in rejection of patriarchy, or that all relationships (sexual or not) exist on equal footing and emotional hierarchies model forms of systemic oppression. You know, just some philosophical/justice-oriented relationship philosophy mind-fucking. Most of the time, you’ll be praying they do finally cheat on you instead of talking about it so much.

You’ll notice that I left Aries out of this fire/air sussing. That’s because Aries is a live wire and they do what they want; sometimes an Aries wants to live like an earnest knight and devoted champion, sometimes an Aries is like a forest fire that started due to a gender reveal and burned most of California. But, for the record, most Aries are bad liars who think they are good liars (sweet kids at heart that they are) so an Aries affair is likely to last all of one night before they’re bursting at the seams to tell their partner about it and, like, maybe involve them??? Wow! Did you know how other people exist and are hot!!!

Here’s the deal with Pisces: In their detriment, they’re like a horny dolphin in a pool full of dolphins, tourists, and the occasion floaty. Everything is getting humped and there will be no logic involved, only disaster, possible deflation. But a Pisces who has committed to acting from a place of integrity and self-worth, that Pisces knows better—so they do better. I hope all these comparative structures are giving you a clear picture. Basically, Pisces are ruled by the god of delusion, so when they submit to that god rather than, say, choosing a kinder one, they often cheat themselves most of all. It’s not lying if you don’t acknowledge reality, right?

Plus, we haven’t even gotten to the hows and whys of cheating. Cheating is not a simple behavior. It’s not all sex, temptation, cold feet. Cheating can be a manifestation of anxious-avoidant attachment issues (I fear being abandoned, I love you too much, I try to control what I perceive as inevitable loss by pushing you away). I suspect some moon (emotions) and Pluto (planet that keeps things hidden) aspects could be found there. Or moon conjunct Pluto square Mars (sex, action). Mars conjunct Pluto square the Sun (self). Throw Mercury (communication, contracts) in the mix!

Cheating can be a sign that someone doesn’t know who they are, their sexuality, their desires. Sun in the the 12th house (of desires, dreams) badly aspected, Sun conjunct Pluto, Neptune (delusions) or Uranus (rules/rule-breaking) in the 7th (relationship) and 8th (sexual) house. Cheating can be an act of retaliation rather than an act of desire. Venus (sweetness) square Pluto, Venus conjunct Pluto, Venus in Aries or Libra gets mad, Pluto in the 3rd (communication) house. Cheating can be a way out, an acting out of one’s desire to break the contract of the partnership. Pisces in the 7th house, Venus in the 9th house square Mars. It’s a fun, choose-your-own-adventure cheater’s code.

There’s a cheater in every sign on the wheel, dear Generalizer, I promise. But yeah, Pisces cheat hella often.

— G