Your Privates Aren’t Private Online

So here’s the thing about the internet: NOTHING IS SAFE ANYMORE! Same goes for cell phones, while we’re at it. If I were to decide to send my boyfriend nudiepic sexts, I would do so knowing that there’s probably some creeper at Verizon who’s intercepting my attempt at recreating ScarJo’s “I know my best angles” butt-shot for then-husband Ryan Reynolds. And I’d be okay with that. I mean, I wouldn’t like, be INTO it, but I’d recognize it as a potential reality. Because sadly, that is the reality these days. But in the grand scheme of my life plans, if those softcore nudies ever came back to haunt me, or whatever, I’m pretty sure people would still let me write things.

Now, if you are the HEAD OF THE CIA or something similarly important, you probably don’t get to enjoy the plebeian privilege of sending nudiepic sexts/emails/carrier pigeons to your (in)significant other(s), because if you get caught cheating on the mother of your two children and wife of 38 years, people are going to be all like, “Um. Your job is to keep AMERICA’S BIGGEST SECRETS and you can’t even manage to keep your own s**t under wraps? Lock it up.”  Or, “You should consider stepping down,” aka, “You’re basically fired but we’re going to let you resign to save you some embarrassment (as if having your personal emails unearthed by a man with no nipples isn’t embarrassment enough) since you’re pretty much the Numba One Stunna of U.S. Warstuff.” Which sucks. (Can we pause for a quick second to muse upon FBI agent Frederick Humphries’ apparent lack of nipples? SO WEIRD).

But while the debate rages on about what the REAL issue is in terms of the General and his genitals (A possible national security breach? Powerful men and their multiple women? Should public figures lose their jobs over infidelity? The Patriot Act? The Espionage Act? HUMPHRIES’ NIPPLES? That’s the last time I’ll mention nipples today, I swear), let’s turn our focus to sexual privacy and social networking. Oh, and if I wasn’t clear before, let me break it down for you again: There is NO SUCH THING as internet privacy anymore. Not for me, not for you and definitely not for careless (or PR-crazed) celebrities who, I think, should be paying someone solely for the purpose of protecting their digital, ahem, assets. Let’s take a look at a quick case study, shall we?

Name: Drake Bell Age: 26 Claim to Fame: Playing fictional heart-throb Drake Parker (so clever, that one) in the Nickelodeon series Drake & Josh. It ran for 4 seasons from 2004-2007 and continues to rerun like, all the time. Offense: Dirty direct-messaging rando fans via the Twitter handle he uses to tweet his girlfriend.

This guy. I mean, in his defense, it must be really weird to spend four years of your 9-5 workday acting like a teenager when you’re trying to grow up. I can understand how that would be psychologically confusing. All of his fans probably aged out of that show when they got their driver’s licenses, so now he’s struggling to feel legitimate with the post-pubescent population. (I charge $200 per session and have a super comfy couch you can lay on, in case anyone was wondering). Which is fine, but maybe don’t be so stupid about your intentions when you already have a pretty bodacious girlfriend. Whose name is the Twitter handle you’re using to holler at other beeches. Facepalm.

So what’s the point here? And why isn’t CNN covering THIS scandal? The point is that it happens ALL.THE.TIME. and if you’re going to do stupid and/or NSFW stuff with your computer/phone/carrier pigeon, you should be fully prepared to deal with the consequences. This is far from a revelation, but it’s something that everyone from CIA generals to Kids Choice Award-winning actors are struggling to remember, apparently.

Also maybe just try to keep it in your pants unless you’re single or in an open relationship or do naked stuff for a living or are in the privacy of your own home and not using your phone or computer in conjunction with whatever is going on in your pants. Just a thought.

Note: This has been edited to reflect the fact that THOSE NIPPLES belong to FBI agent Frederick Humphries (not David Petraeus, as previously written).

Image via ShutterStock.

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