Why None Of Us Would Survive A Zombie Attack, And Why We Shouldn’t Want To

It’s a bird… it’s a plane… it’s another tragic, yet trendy apocalyptic zombie attack! Zombies are everywhere, and with Halloween around the corner, their cultural relevance is about to hit harder than ever. I expect to see Facebook plastered with photos of zombie couples, zombies dressed like sexy versions of themselves and even a Zombie Honey Boo Boo or two. Why do we love zombies? They’re deformed and rude and they aren’t the best listeners. But from Thriller to Magic: The Gathering to zombie 5ks, we can’t get enough of them. There’s even an app for that. Death by the living dead is quickly becoming a commonly accepted way to go, and many believe when the time comes, they will be one of the few left standing. But if the zombie apocalypse is coming, rather than reading Flesh Eating for Dummies and watching another Growing Up Undead marathon on TLC, I propose a simpler solution that will make a zombie apocalypse bearable.

Let it happen.

If zombies wiped out my family and friends and everyone I kind of want to have lunch with next week, I wouldn’t start running for my life, and I’m not sure why people look forward to the idea. Heck, I would probably be the first to go, because being 5’1” makes me an easy target. But if kicking zombie ass was an option, I still don’t think I would want to survive an outbreak. And you shouldn’t want to, either. And before you can say Chuck Norris, I’m going to tell you why.

First, we should understand what zombies are, exactly. Put simply, they are the undead. They’re dead, but act like they’re alive. You could say zombies get the best of both worlds, if the best part of being dead is remaining among the living, and the best part of being alive is achieving blithe unawareness to what others think of you. Basically, zombies are rubber and you’re glue; you’re not going to hurt these guys any time soon with your words. Being a zombie sounds like a big confidence booster, which they probably thrive on, what with that whole “feasting on human flesh” thing.

The most obvious yet overlooked fact: you would get to become one of them. If a zombie attacks you, it’s not the end of the world. (Ha!) Okay, it’s the end of the living world, but the start of a whole new one. A limping, grunting, slouching way of life. And like we pointed out earlier, nobody’s judging.

A zombie attack is essentially a plague. Not a fad you can ignore or escape or hope won’t happen to you, like acid washed jeans. Bruce Willis isn’t going to come and save you at the last minute, and what kind of existence is living in a survival shelter anyway? You can only play so many games of solitaire. This is a plague that when enough people become infected, it’s inevitable that it will get you, too. Besides, Bruce Willis isn’t the same Bruce Willis he was in Die Hard, and there’s a chance you could outrun him now.

Even if you thought you could survive, who are you kidding? No amount of movies, TV or Tracy Anderson DVDs can prepare you for a zombie attack. When they’re lunging toward you from all angles with that dead look in their eyes? You may be faster than a stumbling, bumbling idiot, but when thousands of zombies are all that’s left, my money’s on them.

When the time comes, it would be a lot simpler if we give in and become zombies, too. And, a lot more fun! Besides, dark colors are flattering on everyone.

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