Here’s when you know your relationship is *really* over

Most of us have endured a dating experience that felt more like a saga than a chapter in our life. You broke up and got back together a million times, and each time it caused you pain. There comes a time when your relationship really must come to an end, though, but that moment isn’t easy to decipher when you’re caught up in a whirlwind of emotions.

There’s no one right answer or prescription for you to follow when it comes to your own relationship, but there are some pretty decent guidelines out there that you might want to follow.

Because as much as you doubt whether this relationship should really be put to rest, there are some clear signs to look out for that will help you make the right decision. Don’t be afraid to bring in an unbiased third party if you feel like you need an extra perspective.

Here are 11 signs that your relationship is over—for real this time.

1You feel disappointed when you see them calling or texting you

You should be with someone you enjoy talking to and look forward to seeing, so if you have a feeling of dread when you see your SO’s name pop up on your phone, that’s a pretty good indicator that things are past the fixable stage.

2You’re not having any sex—and neither of you want to

The amount of sex you have in your relationship will ebb and flow over time, but there’s never a stage in a healthy, sustainable relationship where neither of you ever want to have sex with each other. That means something is very off.

3You don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives

When you take zero interest in each other, you don’t know what’s happening in each other’s everyday lives, which is reflective of how little you both care. Apathy can be just as strong as hate, and it’s a clear sign that your relationship is in the ending stages.

4You argue about pretty much everything

If the smallest of things sets you both off on a regular basis, there’s probably not much love left in your relationship. Being argumentative and defensive for no reason shows that you’re not on the same page anymore, and that you’re better going your separate ways.

5You don’t spend any quality time together anymore

Quality time can mean a number of things to couples. That might mean you cook dinner together, go on a hike, take a weekend getaway, or just sit on the couch and read alongside each other. If you’re not doing any of these heartwarming things together, it means you don’t even like spending time together anymore.

6You’re flirting constantly with other people

Does everyone else but your partner interest you? There can’t be a bigger red flag than that to inform you that this relationship is kaput.

7When you’re together, you’re both always on your phones

Flipping through Instagram is harmless enough, but if that’s all you and your SO do when you’re in the same room, ask yourselves if there’s anything meaningful left between you. Having your noses constantly in your phone is a sign that you would rather be somewhere else.

8You’re not going to events together anymore

If you’re going to your friend’s wedding while your SO takes a long weekend trip with their friends—and if this is a normal occurrence—you’re not even acting like a couple anymore. You don’t have to do everything together, but part of being in a relationship is attending special events that are important to each other.

9You don’t make any decisions together anymore

Part of being in a relationship is approaching life as a team and making joint decisions on some things that pop up in your life. If you find that you’re making big choices on your own, like whether to move to another city or go overseas for Christmas, without your SO’s input, it’s time to reconsider whether you actually belong in each other’s lives at all.

10The only times you hang out are with other people

When things aren’t going well in a relationship, people will generally use their friends as a buffer, since they can’t stand being together alone. If this sounds familiar, don’t even try to convince yourself that you’re in a good place.

11You’ve broken up countless times

This sounds like a no-brainer, but you may need a refresher course. If you and your SO have broken up and gotten back together so many times that you’ve lost count, it’s time to admit that you’re not in a healthy relationship. You deserve something more fulfilling and stable, so try to muster up the courage to get out and start fresh.