7 Ways to Boost Your Erotic Intelligence, According to a Sex Coach

Being smart in bed is different from being good in bed. Do you know the difference?

There’s being good in bed — and then there’s being smart in bed. Maybe you’ve heard of emotional intelligence. Well, sexperts say that people can also have “erotic intelligence,” and it can make or break your time in the boudoir.

Not only that, if you’re in a relationship, boosting your erotic intelligence can help improve your connection with your partner both inside — and outside — the bedroom.

Believe it or not, erotic intelligence is less about knowing all 50 positions from the Kama Sutra and more about knowing who you are, according to the Center for Erotic Intelligence. “It’s the ability to balance your beliefs, desires, feelings, and reality with the chaos around you at any given moment.”

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If you’re intrigued by this concept, we’ve got you covered. We consulted sex coach Michaela d’Artois to find out seven ways to boost your erotic intelligence.

1. Practice self-exploration

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“Self-exploration is the key to unlocking our erotic intelligence,” says d’Artois. That’s because when we are acquainted with and aware of our own erotic needs, we can communicate them to another.”

These needs can be both emotional or physical. “We need to give ourselves time to explore our likes and dislikes through self-pleasuring, and then become familiar with exactly what it is that turns us on,” she explains. D’Artois says this can be anything from good conversation to a certain type of touch.

In other words, you should be masturbating and — touching yourself — more.

2. Create a judgment-free zone

This applies to both your partner and yourself. “Creating a safe-landing, judgment-free space for ourselves and our partners allows all parties to express their needs honestly and thoroughly,” suggests d’Artois. “When we offer up the space to be our full, erotic selves, beautiful things can surface.”

3. Ask questions

As the saying goes, you never know if you don’t ask. Something as simple as asking your partner what they’d like more of in the bedroom goes a long way.

“Ask yourself about what you’d like more of, and ask your spouse the same. As humans, we really love having others take the time to truly see us and understand us,” she explains. “Once they share, you can validate their desires, and, in turn, share your own.”

4. Show curiosity throughout your relationship

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Even if you asked questions when you first started dating, things can change. No matter how many years you’ve been sexually active, there’s still always more to learn, as we age and evolve, says d’Artois.

“We have to constantly stay curious and keep learning because our erotic needs and preferences are constantly evolving. What turned us on at 20 might no longer turn us on at 40. With each chapter comes a new layer of our sexuality,” she adds.

5. Show up with enthusiasm and pay attention

It’s not about being the best lover, says d’Artois, it’s about being an enthusiastic one. “A big part of being a good lover is showing enthusiasm and the ability to simultaneously pay attention to our partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues,” she explains.

“All bodies have different sensitivities, preferences, and triggers. For example, does their breathing shift when you touch them a certain way, or do their muscles contract or moans change? These are all important non-verbal cues that can be extremely telling.”

6. Know the basics

It’s time to go back to sex ed. “It’s important to understand the basic anatomical functions of your lover, as well as yourself,” shares d’Artois. “Understand the intricacies of consent, how to advocate for yourself, and always bring your own protection. It’s empowering to know we have our own health and safety on lock.”

7. Be playful

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Time to take that trip to the adult toy shop and pick up a feather tickler or two, because playfulness is the key to a sustainable and fulfilling love life, says the sex coach. “Instead of filtering sex through the lens of a need, envision it as the freedom in which we get to let go of our inhibitions, lose track of time, and get out of our own heads for a bit,” she advises. “Playfulness removes the pressure to perform, and that goal-oriented approach to orgasm — two big things that truncate our ability to relax into pleasure.”

Here’s to a smarter — and more sensual — sex life!

Jené Luciani Sena
Jené Luciani Sena is an accredited journalist and internationally-renowned bestselling author, regularly seen on national TV outlets such as Access Daily, Today and Dr Oz. Touted as one of Woman’s World Magazine’s “Ultimate Experts,” she’s a TEDTalk speaker and a busy Mom of 4. Read more
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