10 totally useful words that we wish were real

There are over 170,000 words listed in Oxford’s English Dictionary, but there are even more out there that haven’t earned a coveted spot in the “big book,” words that would be significantly more useful than half of the terms that are actually in there (case in point: vape). One site, PseudoDictionary.com, conveniently puts them all in one place, showcasing user-submitted words and their fake definitions. While some of them were pretty ridiculous, some of them were so useful, I wish we had them in real life.

1) Cruxtaposition (n.): the intersection of two or more tricky situations; a crossroads

Everyone reaches a crossroads at some point in their life, even those who are not a girl, but not yet a woman. Maybe you’re struggling to balance a job and a relationship. Maybe you’re leading a secret life that your arch-nemesis is threatening to expose. Maybe your GPS broke and you’re literally standing at a four-way intersection. I don’t know. The point is, this kind of situation is rather common, so why not have a separate word for it? One that rolls off the tongue a little bit more than “crossroads”?

2) Abbreviitis (n.): the practice of giving abbreviated names to organizations or objects which wind up being longer than the thing’s original unabbreviated name

You know when you’re coming up with a codename for a boy and your desire to protect his identity starts to outweigh the practicality of the title, and something simple like “Tom” turns into “butterfinger-bananarama-rockstar-flippyhair”? Me neither. But if you have, you’ll be glad to know there’s a word for your obsessive tendency: abbreviitis.

3) Caraoke (n.): the practice of singing along to music while driving

We are a generation obsessed with making lip sync videos while driving. From dashboard cams to dangerous selfie-stick contraptions, the methods we use to capture our on-the-go rendition of “Shake It Off” or “Call Me Maybe” are getting out of control. That’s why I’m proposing caraoke, a portmanteau of “car” and “karaoke,” so clickbait articles like “Father and Son Lipsyncing to Blank Space in the Car Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity” will have more terms to work with.

4) Popaganda (n.): pop culture as propaganda

If you think music and movies are trying to brainwash your kid, you’re probably right. Pop culture is filled with subliminal messages. Why describe this “pop propaganda” as two words when it can so easily be one? That’s where popaganda comes in.

5) Nervigator (n.): the person in the passenger seat who has no confidence in the driver’s ability to get them to their destination

Also known as a “backseat driver for the passenger side,” a “nervigator” is a person who is so nervous about getting to the destination on time that they try to direct you where to go, even when they’ve never been to the area. “Bob, I know you’ve lived here your whole life and you helped design the layout of this town and all, but I really think you should take a left up here onto this dead end. How ‘bout you just give me the wheel for a second…”

6) Stalliloquy (n.): the act of speaking to oneself while utilizing a public restroom

If you’re thinking of adopting any of the words on this list, please, for the love of God, let it be this one. Stalliloquies happen more in TV shows than they do in real life but I think that’s partially because we’ve never really had an adequate word for it until now. If you want to participate in this movement but can’t come up with any good soliloquys, I would suggest starting with Shakespearean sonnets and adapting them as needed. “Romeo and Toilet.” “A Midsummer’s Night Pee.” “Pooplet.” Endless opportunities here.

7) Retrocism (n.): nostalgic story told by an older person

A retrocism is any story that starts with “Back in my day. . .” or “When I was your age. . . ” told by a relative over 55. That was an arbitrary number but anything less and I would be bombarded with messages from family members insisting that 50 is the new 15, or whatever the kids say these days.

8) Blogstipation (n.): painful and sometimes disabling condition whereby the excitement of setting up one’s blog is replaced with the inability to find anything remotely interesting to blog about

Confession: I’m a terrible blogger but an amazing blog-maker. Really. If I could make a living designing WordPress blogs for other people, I would quit my current position as “unemployed college student” and start immediately, because I have chronic blogstipation. If anyone knows of such a position, or has medication that could help me overcome this inconvenient disorder, please contact me.

9) Attickle (n.): forceful and sustained tickle attack, rendering the recipient tearful, gasping, and vengeful

Recognizing a victim of attickle is easy: look for someone who is bright red, slightly angry looking, and gasping for breath. Tickle attacks are a cruel form of torture that has been overlooked by government agencies for years. Maybe creating a word for it will help raise awareness for this cause.

10) Relephant (adj.): regarding an elephant

Okay, this one’s not that useful, but I needed a word that wasn’t a noun to diversify (diversify?) this list. I’m sure you could find a use for relephant, you just have to be creative.

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