From Our Readers
January 07, 2013 2:00 am

Today I did the saddest thing I’ve probably ever done in my life.

Fully clothed, sitting on a toilet in the far corner of the most remote bathroom I could find, I played Hay Day, all the while serenaded by various women peeing. Whats Hay Day, you ask? The most depressing thing ever. It’s kind of like Farmville, only you play by yourself, without the aid of a social network. Never thought I’d get into ONLINE F**KING FARMING, but it’s been a dark time for me, guys.

So I sat there harvesting soybeans, baking wheat bread, sweating my pigs for their bacon (I know, its weird), and I was reminded of something. I’ve spent enough time in public bathrooms to draw some conclusions, so I feel confident when I proclaim this: there are two kinds of women in this world. There are waterfalls and there are creeks.

Ladies, you know what I’m saying. Some chicks are pee shy! Or maybe they just have really tiny urethras? Either way, they let out the most delicate little tinkle – so light it almost sounds like Christmas bells off in the distance. Then, on the other hand, there are the waterfall women. Sometimes I think that I can hear these women clenching their abs to create the most robust stream possible.

While I tried to make sure that the back of my skirt didn’t fall into the toilet bowl, I wondered if this urinary disparity extended to other areas of life. Are tinklers more reserved in general? Are they holding onto some issues from childhood? Are they shy about their body? Or just shy in front of other women? Why should you be ashamed of peeing? We all do it!

And what about the waterfall kinds of women? Are they always so rushed and harried? Do they lead high stress lives? Do they just want to get it all over with? Have they just been holding it for a really long time? That’s not healthy! Trust me, I know because I used to hold it too much when I was a little girl. I may or may not have needed a kidney ultrasound at the ripe age of 7.

I’m not gonna tell you how to pee. You should pee how you pee, and pee freely! But just make sure that your… technique… isn’t covering up some deeper issue. Because if it is, you might find yourself not even peeing in the bathroom at all because you’ll be too busy with your stupid digital farm.

You can read more from Erin Schmalfield on her blog.