From “Gilmore Girls” to “Westworld,” fictional men named Logan are officially the worst

On Friday, November 25th, Gilmore Girls fans watched in horror — unless they were #TeamJess, then they watched in utter delight — as Matt Czuchry’s Logan Huntzberger used and abused Rory like a selfish, noncommittal JERK!

Then, merely two days later, Westworld fans watched as Ben Barnes’ selfish, violent, abusive character — also a Logan — brutally cut open a terrified Dolores’ (Evan Rachel Wood) belly, then let her run off into the woods, dying and terrified, to try her luck with the vicious Confederados. And all because he had the power and money to do so.

Is it just a coincidence?

They say “two is a coincidence, three is a trend,” so I was willing to overlook this strange uptick in Logan douchebaggery until a realization hit me so hard it would’ve knocked the fake coffee out of Rory and Lorelai’s mugs: we’ve seen exactly this type of behavior from a TV Logan before. From one Logan Echolls, the wealthy, egotistical, and occasionally downright violent on-again-off-again boyfriend of Veronica Mars on the popular mid-2000s series of the same name.

It’s officially, guys: there is something seriously, seriously wrong with TV’s Logans. And we need to find out why.

According to BabyCenter.com, the name Logan is of Scottish origin, and literally means “small hollow.” (As opposed to Stars Hollow, a plebeian community that Logan Huntzberger would never deem worthy of a visit.)

According to the good folks at Urban Dictionary, however, there’s nothing “small” about your average Logan — instead, he is “generally a man of great character, possessed of a fabulous sexual magnetism. Courageous; your quintessential knight-in-shining armor type.”

When asked to use “Logan” in a sentence, they went with: “Logan is the perfect boyfriend.”

But that’s the OPPOSITE of almost every Logan we know on TV and film!

Uh, we’re pretty sure V. Mars would disagree with that assertion, given that Logan cheated on her with Madison Freaking Sinclair then tried to beat up poor, sweet innocent Piz for no reason. Same goes for Rory Gilmore, since her Logan, y’know, had sex with her for years despite having a glamorous socialite fiancée waiting for him at home.

Heck, the only good Logan I can recall watching on television — and this isn’t counting Wolverine from X-Men: The Animated Series — is Logan Cale from Dark Angel, and that show only ran for about as long as it took you to read this article.

That Logan was a pretty great dude, but he was also, like every other Logan apparently in existence, an heir to a great family fortune — like Logan Reese from Zoey 101, for example; heir to his father Malcolm’s TV fortune and also an undeniable teenage monster.

That Logan’s main claim to fame on Zoey was his abusive, condescending treatment of Pacific Coast Academy’s female students, which is pretty much in line with how Westworld‘s Logan treats the park’s female android Hosts, and how Logan Echolls treated the women of Neptune High until Veronica knocked some sense into him.

So, we have a theory about the name “Logan.”

Why so many TV shows have written their Logans as handsome, pompous, misogynistic heirs to family fortunes is a mystery for the TV gods and the TV gods alone, though I do have a solid theory for why this relatively uncommon name — it’s spiked in popularity over recent years, but it’s still a rarity for men in their 20s and 30s, as most of the aforementioned Logans would be in 2016 — has become such a curse on television.

Basically, the name Logan just somehow sounds white and preppy as hell (seriously NO offense if your name is Logan — we’re talking only fiction here!). Like a Chad or a Spencer or a Tristan, we all just expect a Logan to show up wearing boat shoes and an expensive neck tie with baby whales on it. If you want a male character to woo your leading lady as her OTP, sure, make him a Jon or a Jess or a Nick or a Joe…something simple, classic and masculine; something that doesn’t sound like it just finished teeing off at Sebonack Golf Club.

Fair or not, if you want a male character to woo your leading lady then leave her a heartbroken mess while he picks up even younger hotties at Le Bain, then, well, you name him Logan. Them’s the breaks, kid.