Predicting things that (probably) won’t exist in 5 years

Remember Four Loko? Probably not (and, if so, only in shaky, tripped out flashbacks akin to PTSD). The half-alcoholic/half-caffeinated “energy drink” (aka liquid speed flavored with motor oil) was discontinued (and then rebranded as a totally different drink) five whole years ago in 2010, due to being not exactly fit for human consumption. And good riddance.

The same can be said of styrofoam food and drink containers, which, it was recently announced, will be banned in New York City starting July 1 of this year. Thats a New Year’s resolution we can all feel pretty alright about.

Such is the passing of time, eroding all that was once vivid and relevant. Except, you know polystyrene-based products, because they’re non-biodegradable and cannot be recycled, essentially making them the cockroaches of the man-made products circuit.

But it all got us thinking: What will have ceased to exist, relegated to distant memory and, at best, the annals of hazy nostalgia, just five years from now? Only time will tell, of course, but we made a few educated guesses — and took a few flying shots in the dark — to crystal ball the things we’ll be missing in 2020. Or not.

DVDs

Some of you kids out there reading this right now might already not know what a DVD — “digital versatile disc” — is for. It’s for playing movies! These shiny discs, similar to CDs (another quaint relic of a bygone generation) can be played in a DVD player (once expensive, now almost worthless devices) or slipped into the disc compartment of a computer. . . assuming laptops even come with disc compartments in five years. (Not likely.) DVDs suck because, no matter how careful you are, they always end up getting scratched and who even knows how to work a DVD player anyway? Even if you could find the tiny remote that serves no function past turning on the damn thing. Plus, ever heard of this thing, the Internet? RIP DVDs.

Digital Cameras

We’re honestly not sure what companies are still manufacturing these things now, as smart phones (and endless apps designed to convince every user everywhere that they are a professional photographer) have rendered these clunkier versions of iPhones without cell service practically obsolete. #Nofilter on the sadness we feel to see them go.

iPods

Ditto to the little portable music device that could! The original iPod Classic has already been discontinued (see: clunkier version of an iPhone without the cell service) and we have a feeling the death knell will soon ring for even its sleeker brethren. Smart phones are effectively putting everything else out of business.

Cable TV

TBH, cable has almost been eradicated already. Take a quick Facebook poll and see how many of your friends even still subscribe to cable, much less watch television on it in real time. The advancements of Apple and Amazon TV, sites like Hulu, and the excellent original programming on Netflix are primed to make the traditional cable bill a thing of the past. OK, it’ll probably take a little more than five years, but who knows? Things happen fast these days.

Hangovers

God willing! We have a feeling people will still be enjoying cocktails in 2020 but, with the advent and increasing popularity of outside-the-box cures like IV drip bars, there’s hope for our future selves the morning after a night hitting the sauce.

“Bae,” “on fleek,” and “basic”

And endless other terms that, for some reason the general adult public (not to mention, advertisers) has adopted from teenagers via the Internet and integrated into their everyday vernacular. The thing with slang is that it’s pretty ephemeral. Once you hear about it—thank you, memes—it’s almost already over. Of course, there’s room for recycling. (See: wack.)

Crossfit

The first rule of CrossFit is never, ever stop talking about CrossFit. I read that Fight Club joke on social media joke/non-sequitur aggregator F*ckJerry the other day and had myself a chuckle, because, right?! Here at Hello Giggles, we’re all for keeping body, mind and soul healthy, but if the CrossFit cult — ahem, fitness fad — had been replaced with, say, disco-themed Parkour in 2020, we’d be just fine. Maybe less ripped, though.

Sexism/Racism/Inequality of all kinds

A girl can dream.