Things I Don’t Miss About Summer

Summer is officially over. That high 70s day last weekend was just messing with us. Even without September 22nd marking the official seasonal shift, there’s the tangible proof in the sweater and scarf ensemble I wore today. I know that many people argue fall, particularly in New York, is the best season. I’m not one of those people. I mean, I like fall. The leaves are pretty. Apple cider is tasty. Halloween is the best holiday ever. But I love summer. Truly and deeply. I love that I have full seasonal permission to exclusively drink rosé, and my friends won’t make jokes about my 48-year-old divorcee tastes. I even like still finding sand in the seams of a bag weeks for weeks after a day trip to the beach.

I’m always reluctant to let it go when the leaves start to change. That love has its limits, though. Here are some of the reasons I’m ready to embrace autumn.

1. Men in flip-flops I’m sorry, guys, but I think I speak for the majority of women when I urge you to cover your feet. Unless you are within sight of the ocean or a pool, no one wants to see you in flip-flops. No one. That jagged, big toenail that’s a light yellow hue doesn’t need to see the sun. I especially don’t want to see your hairy toes in a Vineyard Vines pair adorned with whales. You’re not five years old, and you’re not in Martha’s Vineyard. Also, definitely don’t try to transition flip-flops to fall. I know you think they look great with your cargo shorts and hoodie in 45 degree weather, but they don’t.

2. Milkshakes I should probably clarify, so you don’t think I’m the devil. It’s not that I dislike milkshakes, it’s that I dislike my total lack of self-control when it comes to milkshakes. In the summer months, I can’t seem to walk past an ice cream place without thinking it’s the perfect time for a chocolate shake. My shoulder shrug justification of, ‘Whatever, it’s a hot summer day’ has become somewhat ridiculous now that it’s above 80 degrees for roughly four months in New York. It’s only so long before those hot summer day shakes lead to diabetic coma, so I need to cool it.

3. Local news stories about ‘beating the heat’ Just in case you are living underground, your local news team most likely feels it’s their journalistic duty to let you know that it’s really hot outside. You all know how these stories go, with their frequent mentions of how it’s ‘going to be a scorcher.’ Early in the summer, Conan O’Brien compiled a montage of anchors repeating ‘I scream, you scream..’ His montage didn’t have the quick images of children splashing in fire hydrants and crowding around ice cream trucks that usually follow. The worst part of these broadcasts is that moment when they linger on a shot of elderly people fanning themselves. The poor elderly and their diminished ability to properly regulate their body temperature. I don’t want to see shot after shot of a grandma looking miserable in the sun. Unless walking outside will cause people to literally burst into flames, let’s stop the stories about people being sweaty.

4. The constant use of the phrase ‘bikini body’ You know what’s strange? Women never think about how much they weigh or how they look in a swimsuit. It’s really lucky that every other article aimed at women from February to August reminds us with tips about achieving a “bikini body.” The phrase swimsuit season I can handle, but bikini body is just plain gross. I’m all for being healthy. I just don’t need to be incessantly bombarded with articles about ‘superfoods’ that will reduce bloating or moves that promise a ‘taut tummy’ or ‘sculpted stomach.’ So embrace these autumn months. Notice the leaves changing. Watch a football game or two. Make a killer Halloween costume yourself. And then get ready. Come January there will be an article instructing you on how to shed those holiday pounds for a spring break bikini body.

(Image via ShutterStock.)

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