21 things I couldn’t do after watching “It”

Some are born afraid of clowns. Some grown into a fear of clowns. And some have a fear of clowns thrust upon them. I am part of the latter group, and this — this is my story.

I went into the movie It thinking, “Come at me, clowns,” and I left the theater unable to walk.

Aside from that, there were several other things I could not do after my Pennywise Surprise. Let’s discuss.

1. I could not associate with storm drains.

2. I could not wear a red lip.

3. I could not look at children, for fear that one of them would be innocent (or stupid) enough to crawl into a storm drain inhabited by a clown talking about popcorn.

4. I could not indulge in yellow rainwear.

5. I could not listen to Modest Mouse’s “Float On.”

6. I could not, in good conscience, name my boat the “S.S. Georgie.”

7. I (still) could not understand why boats are always girls.

8. I could not enter my local library and, as a result, have incurred several fees. Stephen King, you can expect my bill.

9. Easter eggs — no thank you.

10. I could not figure out why I was still attracted to Bill Skarsgård.

11. I could not fathom why basements exist.

12. I could not open the fridge without worrying that a clown had taken the place of my cheese pile.

13. I could not care less about what’s on the other side of a door labeled “Not Scary.”

14. I could not stomach structurally-unsound houses.

15. I could not casually talk to my sink drain.

16. I could not operate an old-timey projector.

17. I could not avoid looking through family photos, to make sure that my mom was not in fact a clown all along.

18. I could not hang with my buds in our community’s sewer system.

19. I could not look at paintings and trust that they would stay paintings.

20. I could not fucking float.