The Dirty Thirty: Part 2

How do you find out if someone is a horrible person? You can’t just ask them, because everyone thinks they are essentially good. What if when you were on a date with someone you could just say, “Give it to me straight. What am I in for?” And what if he was like, “Honestly? I’m a dick. I tell people I just want a nice girl to settle down with, but truthfully I’m looking to manipulate someone who my friends think is hot.”

Now that we’re a little older, (speaking for myself, so if you’re younger than me just keep quiet) we have noticeable patterns in our relationships. We keep finding the same person over and over again. Some of us keep finding the guy who doesn’t want to commit, some find the guy who refuses to grow up, and then there is the scariest of patterns, which are those who keep finding guys who are poor. Really, really sad. I don’t do any of that though. I’m operating on a much higher level. I find guys who are sociopaths. I’m constantly like a moment away from being chloroformed and left in the woods. If that actually happens one day, this post is going viral for sure. And then, me just saying that it would go viral would make it go crazy viral. I wont be there to enjoy it, but please make sure they refer to me as “an undiscovered model”.

The first time I fell for a sociopath I was like, “This doesn’t feel very good.” The second time I fell for a sociopath I was like, “What the hell, I thought I was on the lookout for this.” And then the most recent time I fell for a sociopath I was like “I really don’t feel comfortable leaving the house anymore.” If you looked at my life you would see how lucky I’ve been; I was born white, rich, and good looking from the ages of 0-13 and 20-present. But inside that world of luck, I was always the one who walked across the trip wire, who butt dialed the person I was talking shit about, who got stuck with a very unfortunate middle seat on a flight to Vegas when all my friends were sitting together—

But I also think luck is a choice. Someone once told me that if you constantly focus on something you don’t want, you attract it. The universe is like, super busy and if it just keeps hearing you talk about getting fat, it doesn’t have time to figure out if you were asking to get fat or avoid getting fat. It just associates you with the word FAT. We have to be really careful about what we obsess over day in and day out.

I live in fear that I’m going to end up with someone who’s living a double life. Not a second life where he secretly volunteers at a homeless shelter. A second life where he loves someone else and goes to different restaurants and has another mailbox that holds mail for him and his wife. When I was twenty-three, I had a boyfriend who I thought I might marry. I was a little young, but he felt like a husband. In my gut though, I knew that something wasn’t right. I knew that if I married this person, one day I would be at a cocktail party and someone would say to me, “Oh, you’re Lucas’ wife…?” and then a look would momentarily wash over their face that would tell me they knew a lot more about my husband than I did. I live in fear of that moment. And so guess what keeps happening to me? I’ve seen that look a few times now, and my only saving grace is that they’re talking about my boyfriend, not my husband. I have no radar for lying, because I honestly don’t know how to do it. I’ve obviously lied about small stuff, something that will spare someone’s feelings, but a really good, juicy lie that you know is GOING to hurt someone? I can’t do it. And it’s not because I’m such an amazing person, it’s because I’m so co-dependent that it feels like it’s happening to me and I start to panic at the thought.

But here’s the rub; I would rather be the victim than the criminal. Life is screwing everyone over all the time. We’re all in pain. We don’t have enough time, we have too many feelings, we’re afraid of everything, we act like the person we want to be, we think we’re gonna be forgotten, we think we’re hard to love. But I’m okay with it and you should be too. Because you’re reading something. You’re looking for answers. You’re asking questions. And when something hurts, you have to remember, that’s what it feels like to get stronger. Have you ever noticed that you secretly feel really pretty after you finish crying? It’s because you’ve laid all your cards on the table and you’re still alive. Oh my god, I just got the greatest idea for a coffee table book filled with pictures of girls right after they finish crying. I am so creative, it’s scary.

Send me your pictures. Let’s make it happen. And stop lying, you weirdos.

Image via ABCNewsGo