The Dirty Thirty: Babies, Dates, and Decisions!

I spend a lot of time with my two year old niece Valentina. Some call it an obsession, and to that I respond by calling those people fat. They started it. Anyway, me and V are really into each other. To be fair, she’s into a lot of people, mainly anyone who will give her chocolate, but I’m not into a lot of people, I have several complaints about the people around me. I guess when it comes down to it, there are things that Valentina could work on too. She definitely lies a lot, like when she says she only needs to watch one video to be happy, but then makes me show her several others or else she will throw her head against the couch. Also, she’s a major tattle tale. Like, what part of “Don’t tell mommy you fell off the table while I was on Instagram.” do you not understand? Regardless, I think I love her more than I’m going to love my own kids. Sorry unborn children, the thought of you bores me in comparison. Walk around the house naked with a pair of red rain boots on and maybe you’ll peak my interest. Did that come across creepy? I’m willing to take the risk.

So, my sister hired this sweet retired man who we call Builder Rick, to build Valentina a playhouse in the back yard. He comes every morning with a packed lunch and V watches as he nails the walls in, and turns a bunch of wood into a little house. She looks out and says, “Poopoo Jeff is making my house!” She won’t call him Builder Rick, she will only call him “Poopoo Jeff”. And she laughs every time she says it, like poop jokes aren’t completely dated and tired.

Saturday morning when I woke up at my sister’s house (my apartment is so lonely on the weekends!) I took my coffee and sat outside with Valentina to watch Builder Rick do his thing. He saw how natural I was with her. How effortless being a mother will be for me. How patient and loving I am to this little growing weird person. He said, “How many kids do you have?” Okay, that is NO WAY to start a conversation with a girl who is used to being asked if she is Taylor Swift. He thought I looked like I could have SEVERAL children? I said, “Oh, I don’t have any kids yet.” He looked at me with genuine compassion. “Well… that’s okay. People are having kids later and later these days.” Okay, Poopoo Jeff, I am not having kids LATER in life. I am right on target with my goals. I JUST turned thirty (seven months ago) (Fact added by editor to maintain accuracy on our site) and if I were to have a baby right now I would feel like a YOUNG ass mom. In fairness to Builder Rick, he saw me very early in the morning. That’s the only excuse I can come up with.

But truthfully, here’s what I think. I was born to be a mom. I know that. But also, when I was eight I thought I was born to be a cashier because I loved pushing buttons that made cool sounds. Turns out I’m terrible at math, so there went that dream. And when I was fourteen I thought I was born to be a poet, and now when I remember that my old poems are sitting in a stack in my hall closet it makes my throat tighten because I know how terrible they are. Most of my “no negotiating, this is what I want and I’m SURE” decisions have been ridiculous. Like, I decided to die my hair red for six years. Six years! I thought it looked so good! Upon reflection, it did not.

When I was twenty-seven I thought I was ready to be a mom, and then this week I feel like I’m not ready. I’d like to be a little more sure about it when I make that decision. And maybe the decision decides me. Like, I’m just going to be straight with you guys, I’ve never gotten pregnant. I’ve never even had a scare. Like, I haven’t even almost been a mom yet. And I really don’t know what I would do if it happened. Because I don’t think I could not go through with it at this point in my life. But I also really like being skinny. It’s such a tough decision. I really hope that guys who are considering going on a date with me read this first! It’ll just help us get past that standard, normal first date convo where he’s like, “Would you get an abortion now that you’re thirty?” and I’m all like, “Let’s have sex and find out!”

Also, my bff SOPHIA ROSSI CO-FOUNDER OF HELLOGIGGLES AND ALSO MY LIFE AND CAREER, she sends me these spiritual e-mails in the morning that have quotes in them because she knows how I wake up in the morning feeling dead inside sometimes. Recently the e-mail was about how we think that if we are worrying about something that we are helping, but we’re not. I definitely feel that way, and you do too, I can tell. And lately I am like, NOT worrying about my personal life. I don’t even remember how to care. People will try to set me up on dates all the time (I don’t want to brag but I’m considered a MAJOR CATCH even though I didn’t go to college) Someone will say “Can I set you up with my friend?” and my immediate thought is, “Eww, why? Like, what for?” And then I remind myself that I’m supposed to be on the journey to finding my other half. The one who knows how to be supportive of my gluten free diet and that I don’t like to chit-chat in the shower and that everything is his fault. But the idea of TRYING to find him is really exhausting, and I just don’t know if I care enough right now. And then I have that thought of, “Oh shit, should I be panicking about this? Because Builder Rick seems to think I should be panicking.” And maybe it’s because I just got my roots done and everyone has been telling me how pretty I look, or that I recently upped my Lexapro, but I am just not worried. It’s so much more important to me that I write every day, and that you like this post. But also, do we think Builder Rick is single? He was sending A LOT of signals with that baby conversation. Also, I’ve gotten Valentina to call me mom before and I feel like that’s enough for me right now. Also, I feel like I should call my dad and tell him this is all his fault.

The picture is of me and V. How cute are my daughter and I?