76 thoughts I had while watching last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette”

Last night was the first part of this week’s two-part Bachelorette experience, and things got pretty real. Let’s talk thoughts.

1. I am consistently shocked that this is a two-hour program. I’m also consistently shocked that while none of us have time to update our resumes, or go to pilates, we do have two hours to carve out for JoJo.  

2. This episode is coming in hot with the Chad hate — also his meat plates are making an early cameo and they are just as vile as last week. 

3. The thing about how terrible and villanous Chad is, is that it makes ALL the other guys seem really normal and tender. 

4. Last week I discovered that there is a huge online community devoted to people being obsessed with Alex. You’re welcome.  false false false

5. Moving right along, Chase is absolutely adorable and just got a one-on-one with JoJo which looks like it made his year. He also earned this date as he got no air-time last week (aside from when he crafted a wintry date for JoJo in a random convo).

6. Chris Harrison removing toilet paper from a tree is my new emotional status update. 

7. P.S. JoJo and Chase’s one-on-one is yoga which would be the worst first date I could ever imagine.

8. This yoga class is being described as “an intimate journey.” 

9. I have truly, in all of my days, never been to a yoga class that looked anything like this. 

10. That said, if I were Chase, I’d definitely be falling for JoJo here. She is embarrassed, and charming, and taking it in stride. 

11. And they kissed during some fake-yoga pose called the Yab-Yum that involved mounting, and even in that weird situation the kiss looked like fun! 

12. I think I’m as relieved as JoJo and Chase that we are now transitioning to the normal date part of the evening. 

13. Chase’s choice of date-night shirt has brought to mind a very important article I saw last week. Headline: “This Season’s Bachelorette Contestants, Ranked By Shirt Terribleness.” 

14. Example, with full respect to Wells because I love him (for me, not JoJo): 

15. Sidebar: Remember the guy in the kilt? 

16. All in all, this date with Chase went pretty well and the only knock I have against him right now is that he described marriage as a “one and done situation.” Don’t love it. 

17. JoJo just gave Chase a rose and all I can think about is how good she is at putting on boutonnieres.

18. JoJo and Chase are now being serenaded by country sensation Charles Kelley, and even as a full country music lover I have no idea who this is.

19. Looked him up, he’s in Lady Antebellum. Couldn’t we have just said that from the beginning?

20. My roommate just walked in and dropped profound Bachelorette truths: “James Taylor isn’t on the show for JoJo, he’s on the show to get famous, he keeps singing.” 

21. Meanwhile back at the house, the lads got the nod for the group date and Chad doesn’t want to go. Jordan’s reply is basically, you realize this is what this television show is, right? His actual reply: “You realize that is what this is.”

22. The Chad fire is igniting and the men are all hating on him with such a deep passion. 

23. Chad to Jordan: “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.” 

24. Sidebar: Here’s a photo of Jordan as a football player.

25. Alex and Chad are now fighting, and it is very clear where house loyalties lie (aka not with Chad). 

26.  PS if you haven’t read this article about Chad it’s totally illuminating and reveals important truths, like his real name is Brian (which is totally amazing). 

27. The group date is at a theater (spoiler alert: Chad decided to go) and it’s very clear that something insane is about to happen. 

28. Annnnnnd the insane thing is that they all have to talk about their sex lives in front of an audience.

29. These are the faces of nervous/stressed men who are desperately trying to keep it together (please note, Evan in the background). 

30. JoJo seems to have a healthy outlook on sex: “The way that you handle sex, and communicate about sex, can show a lot about somebody.”

31. Also this is Evan’s time to shine because, in case you forgot, he’s an “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist.”  

32. Shocker: Chad says he does not want to play this sexual divulgence game because JoJo, “hasn’t earned this yet.”

33. Our hero, Evan (who in case you forgot is still an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist) has decided he’s using his time on stage to call out Chad for using steroids. Cool. 

34. Alex is so happy about this turn of events it’s borderline insane.

35. Wells, who is my secret dream pick, just verbally recognized that he and Evan are the “smallest in the house” and that made my heart swell two sizes for them.  

36. Drama at the Sex Talk show. Upon returning to his seat, Evan had his form-fitting shirt grabbed by Chad and for a second we thought we might be privy to a murder.  

37. It’s Chad’s turn on stage now and he tries to kiss JoJo. She gives him the full-on cheek. Alex chimes in saying: “I got to witness the greatest disaster of mankind.” 

38. Daniel seems to f-i-n-a-l-l-y be distancing himself from Chad. All it took was Chad punching a door until his hand bled, grabbing Evan by the shirt, and telling Evan: “You’re gonna fucking die, bro, if you don’t calm down,” after he flicked him in the throat.

39. It’s nighttime now and the guys have all changed into leather jackets, and we’re having some tender talks in what appears to be a storage unit.

40. Editing win: JoJo mentions wanting to feel safe in her relationship and they pan to a fuming Chad.

41. The fact that every single one of these guys hates Chad SO much says a lot about how terrible he is.  

42. Evan straight up just asked Chad why he’s here and things are getting ah-mazing. 

43. Evan is an unexpected hero. 

44. Chad to Evan: “Stop cooking when I’m cooking.”

45. Chad now delivering a truly terrifying quote to the camera: “There’s a point when there’s nothing to do, other than get physical.” 

46. Meanwhile back at the house, James Taylor was knighted with the next one-on-one date.

47. All I can think about is what my roommate said about him wanting to get famous. But I guess they all want to get famous? That’s sad. 

48. WHAT IS LOVE. 

49. I cannot tell at all what JoJo thinks about Chad, aside from the fact that she occasionally finds him disruptive. 

50. Chad just saw a mirror, did a double take, and said “hey money.”

51. Evan has pulled out the big guns and given JoJo an ultimatum: “Chad has two completely different personalities. Even if it doesn’t work out with me, it’s not going to be good with him.” SparkNotes: If Chad stays, Evan says he will go. 

52. Also, I have no memory of learning that Evan had three kids. When did that happen?

53. JoJo gives Evan the rose and from the kiss they share I can promise you a thousand times over that she will not pick Evan at the end of the day. 

54. Chad’s reply to the rose situation: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now?”

55. Alex’s reply: “I’m gonna DVR this and I’m going to watch it over and over again.”

56. Chad to the camera: “No girl on planet earth ever chooses Evan for anything.”

57. Derek and Chad share a room and Derek is now saying he doesn’t feel safe sleeping near him. Which, like, legit. 

58. Have we talked about how much Derek looks like Jim from The Office? 

Here’s Derek: 

Here’s Jim: 

59. There is now a security guard in the house to watch-over Chad which seems both terrifying and necessary. 

60. JoJo and James Taylor are on their one-on-one and her Texas drawl is coming out more. I kind of dig it.  

61. Shout out to the valet who cannot figure out how to close the door to JoJo’s powder blue convertible.

62. Their date is learning how to swing dance and James is fun, darling, and borderline annoying?

63. The real question about James, is does he have anything beyond friend potential. I know my answer, but yeah.

64. Meanwhile back at the house, Chad is eating a raw yam(?) while Daniel compares him to Hitler.

65. To be fair, post the date with James Taylor it seems like JoJo has a crush on him. At least he’s nice!

66. Chris Harrison comes to the house bearing news: There will not be a cocktail party tonight. 

67. The guys lose it. 

68. But wait! En lieu of a cocktail party there will be a POOL PARTY. Chris, you trickster. 

69. Chad is eating peanut butter with a fork. 

70. Our Erectile Dysfunction hero Evan, catches up with C. Harrison to tell him that something must be done about the Chad situation. 

71. Daniel: “Do you think Chad would be more mad if JoJo sent him home, or Chris?”

72. Meanwhile, the guys have changed clothes for the pool party and no one has brought up the fact they are wearing matching necklaces.

73. Here’s Chad in the necklace. 

74. Must be where the microphones are so they can all be shirtless.

75. The episode ends with a deeply chilling line from Chad about dismembering the members of the house.  

76. As a palate cleanser, we’ll just end with this joyful pic of Evan.