What Your Starbucks Order Says About You

It is an anatomically proven fact that the most nerve-wracking, fear-producing, heart attack-inducing position that any one person can find themselves in is at the front of the line at Starbucks at 8:27 a.m.

You dig through your bag, trying to futilely retrieve the change from that Thai takeout you ordered last night. While you are attempting to locate your chosen form of payment, you are simultaneously scanning the menu for this morning’s desired pick-me-up. Denise, the kindly barista, has patience that’s wearing thin, and the collective patience of your yet-to-be caffeinated fellow Starbucks patrons is wearing even thinner. All the while your stomach is yelling at you because you thought that it was a good idea to eat chicken pad thai as an after-dinner-but-before-bedtime-snack snack.

In order to expedite the inevitable anxiety, many have decided on a so-called “drink of choice.” That way, when it comes time to give your order to Denise, you simply say, “One small hot chocolate please, Denise!” and you become the hero of Starbucks!

But there are certain unspoken associations that may correspond to your “drink of choice”, a few of which can be found below.

Venti Iced Coffee. Two Creams. No Sweetener. 

You know what you like and you like what you know. You haven’t changed your Starbucks order in roughly five years, and you’re alright with that. You probably wear some sort of suit to work and talk about spreadsheets and attend two to five business meetings in any given work day. You have “it” together. I am not sure what “it” is, but that’s because I don’t have it together.

Caffe Americano

You are an Italian expatriate that is trying to assimilate.

Caramel Frappuccino with Extra Caramel Sauce and Extra Whipped Cream

You don’t actually like coffee.

Cake Pop

Your childhood whimsy has remained intact, despite the passage of time and the the ever-present worry about your 401k. Hold on to your youth, my friend. Hold on tightly.

Coffee. Black.

You are a newspaper journalist from the 1940s.

Hazelnut Macchiato, Hot

You have a stocking hanging from your rear view mirror and a near to clinical obsession with gingerbread. You own a steady supply of large knitted sweaters and you wish that the joy of Christmas would successfully permeate throughout the rest of the calender year.

Hazelnut Macchiato, Cold

It is summer and you are biding time until the weather allows you to wear your artfully knitted beanies and it is, once again, socially acceptable for you to listen to “This Christmas” until your neighbor’s ears bleed.

Cappuccino 

You read Dostoevsky… I mean, you skimmed Dostoevsky… or… uh…you know Dostoevsky wrote some things.

The Double Baconator

You are confused. You are actually looking for the Wendy’s that is down the block.

Bottled Doubleshot Espresso Drink

You checked and CVS is out of Five Hour Energies.

Green Tea

You are trying to whole “I am going to wean myself off coffee” thing because you heard from the nice boy at the grocery store that green tea actually has more caffeine than coffee. This is your third attempt at the substitution and it has been proven unsuccessful thus far.

You woke up this morning with your head throbbing and a strange, inexplicable pain in your left hip. You barely make it out of the shower and into the car with a pair of mismatched shoes that are each on the wrong foot. You then realize that you are going to have to stare down another Grande green tea. Your chest starts to heave and you grip the wheel as you barrel towards an existential crisis brought about by lack of sleep and several unmet work deadlines.

You get to Starbucks and the semi-attractive young professional in line behind you points out your shoe situation. You feel like you are about ready to cry, or scream, or both. Denise cheerfully does not bother asking you how your morning is going because it is apparent by your shoes and the thirst for blood that now lives in your eyes that your morning is not going too well. Denise asks you what you will be having to drink this morning. You look up at the Starbucks menu. You succumb.

A Venti Vanilla Latte with an Extra Shot of Espresso 

You used to drink green tea.