NBC
Rachel Paige
December 15, 2016 10:28 am

I am really good at spending money (on myself) in the month of December, as I imagine many others out there on the internet are, too. It HAPPENS, okay?

There are so many deals, and so many opportunities for free shipping, and it’s like as soon as Thanksgiving is over and I put the leftovers in the fridge, I open my wallet wide and just spend a shitload in a short amount of time. Many of these things I don’t even really neeeeeed, but my thinking is, “Well, I just won’t spend any money January-November of next year, so here I am, rationalizing my purchases! Also I’m an adult who totally gets how to manage her finances, and I DESERVE this waffle maker on sale for the low price of $19.99!”

I buy all this stuff online, and then I wait. OMG, I love getting mail. I love coming home and finding a beautiful, brown-ish box waiting for me, JUST FOR ME. I drag it inside, sit on the floor of my kitchen, and open up these brown-ish boxes, examining the contents inside, and it’s so exciting to have so many new things to call my own. So goddamn exciting.

But…this is online shopping. It can be a fickle process. Sometimes that waffle maker looks so glorious online, and then you open it up and you’re like, “oh shit.”

That’s when I then realize, surrounded by the joys of my shopping haul, that I’ve got to return something at the store, and omg, I’d rather have cavities filled without Novocain. Especially at this time of year! There is no way in HELL I am taking this waffle maker to the IRL store I bought it from online. That requires remembering to put the waffle maker in my car, and then finding time to actually take it to the store, and then parking, walking inside, standing in a very long return line, and then having to tell the cashier behind the counter why I’m returning this waffle maker. All of that — especially the last one — is like way too much stress for me right now.

“But Rach, you can just like, mail it back to the store, that is an option…” you suggest, and LIKE I GET THAT.

So okay, now instead of taking this package to the store, I have to take it to the Post Office and like, oh god, it feels like the walls are spinning right now, I might have to go lie down.

There are only two options for this scenario: Via some miraculous winter miracle, I return the item; or I keep it forever as my own, maybe use it like 1-2 times, but mostly it will become an ornamental dust collector on my kitchen counter. Forever.

And through all of this, I stop and I think to myself, “I can’t be the only twenty-something human out there who would much rather keep a $19.99 waffle maker than lose years of my life trying to return something at the store in the month of December.”

“Besides, It was only like, $19.99, and maybe I’ll have friends over and we can eat waffles and it’ll be really cute.” I keep thinking. “Maybe I’ll even start making waffles from scratch, and my new Saturday morning thing will be eating waffles. It’ll be so great! All my friends will want to come over and eat waffles with me, like grown adults! This will be my new ~thing~!!”

Then I laugh, “I’m never inviting friends over for waffles, who am I?”

In case you’re wondering, yes, my waffle maker and I will be very happy together for there rest of our lives.

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