What sex is like when you’re a quiet person

Sex when you’re a quiet person can be tough. Whether you’re someone who has trouble verbalizing your wants and needs or you just prefer not to talk a lot in the bedroom, making sure you’re comfortable while still communicating with your partner to have a satisfying sex life is a huge challenge. However, with a little bit of compromise and a lot of deep breaths, you can negotiate what makes you and your partner happy and feeling good about sex.

Here are few experiences that are all too real when you’re a quiet person trying to get it on:

When your partner says, “Tell me what you want.”

It seems so simple, but this can be an unbelievably difficult request to fulfill. Maybe you don’t know how to express what you need; maybe you don’t even know what you want at all (this is totally okay and way more normal than you think). So, what do you even say?

Depending on your own experience and level of comfort, you can be honest but brief. That might manifest as something as simple as, “I like [insert act, positioning, etc.],” or even, “I’m not 100% sure so can we take this slow?” You can also ask them to express their wants/ needs so you can find out where the middle ground lies, even if you don’t know precisely how to say what you’re comfortable with from the get-go.

When your partner says, “Talk dirty to me.”

Naughty talking can be hot, but it can also make you feel super self-conscious. If you already don’t like talking a lot in the bedroom, your partner requesting that you not only say words, but also try to make them flirtily filthy, can make your insides collectively cringe.

There’s no rulebook for how to deal with this, but remember that forcing yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with isn’t going to make for satisfying sex for you or your partner. If you do want to try talking dirty, though, it can be helpful to ask your partner what they have in mind, or start small by simply telling them what you find attractive about them or how they make you feel. Sometimes talking about your attraction can be more exciting than you’d expect, and it doesn’t require you to get more explicit than you’re comfortable with.

When your partner asks, “Why are you being so quiet?”

This one can be super awkward. Whether it’s previous experience with other partners, or unrealistic expectations caused by watching movies or porn, your partner may think something is wrong if you’re not moaning or making loud noises throughout sex — and the awkwardness can feel like it’ll kill you.

Don’t feel pressured to start manufacturing noises during sex; it’ll be weird for you and your partner. Express to them that you’re a quiet person, and check in with them regarding whether there’s a way that you can communicate your enjoyment without doing anything that feels too awkwardly performative. Also, don’t forget to breathe during sex: It sounds silly, but sometimes you’re more tense than you think (which isn’t going to help you enjoy it, btw), and that’s the reason you’re totally silent.

Finally, remember: While it’s important to communicate with your partner to have positive sexual experiences, there’s nothing wrong with you if you’re quiet during sex. You do you, and the most important thing is ultimately that you feel good, safe, and are enjoying yourself!