This is the scariest thing Leonardo DiCaprio has ever experienced

Dear Leonardo DiCaprio, You’re an international treasure and in the interest of that, after hearing this story, we think it’s time for you to settle down a little and stop nearly dying. Scorsese needs you, Leo. WE need you.

While plugging his new, brutal survival-in-the-wilderness epic, The Revenant, the actor stopped by The Ellen Show to give Our Lady of Dances some harrowing stories from his past. After warming the crowd up with a little story about the only time he went skydiving (TL;DR version, his parachute didn’t open and when his backup was tangled, his instructor very kindly told him he would break both his legs upon landing) Leo launched into a virtuoso rendition of his scariest personal experience.

Apparently, while on a flight to Russia, Leo was gazing out the window when a huge fireball exploded from the engine. “I kinda felt like I’d already died and gone to heaven ‘cause no one said anything,” the actor explained.  “And I was screaming at the top of lungs saying, ‘What the hell is going on here?’”

Understanding that a compelling story needs a wider scope than just one man, Leo diversified his tale by bringing in a soft-spoken Southern flight attendant, “We seem to have a slight problem here,” he drawls. He also adds a dour Russian passenger who responds to the news that they’ve lost half their engine power with “that is not good.” Luckily, the plane made an emergency landing and we did not lose our Leo.

Yet we’re starting to think an intervention is necessary here, because these are not DiCaprio’s only brushes with death. Speaking to Wired in December, the actor also related a traumatizing story about shark-cage diving. “A great white jumped into my cage when I was diving in South Africa. Half its body was in the cage, and it was snapping at me…I sort of fell down to the bottom and tried to lie flat. The great white took about five or six snaps an arm’s length away from my head. The guys there said that has never happened in the 30 years they’d been doing it.”

You know what’s a fun activity, Leo? Acrylic painting. Or maybe making those little felt animals? We’re just saying- three extreme near-death experiences seems like a lot with that Best Actor Oscar still on the line.

Check out DiCaprio’s deadpan version of the plane explosion story, complete with accents, below.

(Image via Twentieth Century Fox)