We grilled funny person Sara Schaefer on her new podcast, her dog, and Beyoncé

Sara Schaefer is a liar . . . at least she’s a liar on her new podcast “Lies.” The podcast’s title does not mince words and indeed spells out exactly what what her series is: Lies.

In real life Sara is not a liar, she’s a writer and comedian who enjoys a good pastry (at least that’s what she ate before we began our interview). You may recognize Sara from MTV’s Nikki & Sara Live, her web series Day Job, her stand-up comedy (she’s appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon), and appearances on Comedy Central’s @Midnight. But on her podcast, Sara and her guests are liars.

Each episode of “Lies” is an NPR-style interview with a different guest, the catch is that their answers to all of her questions have to be lies. As she explains in her show’s intro, “On each episode of lies we probe the mind of a fascinating public figure leaving no stone unturned and no truth told.”

So far she’s interviewed Jenny Slate on how she likes young boys, Michael Ian Black on his beef with Michelle Obama, Wyatt Cenac on dating married women, and Jim Gaffigan on how he’s cut like an Abercrombie model. Again, these are all lies. There’s a new episode every Tuesday and you can listen to it here.

In the spirit of “Lies,” I did an all-lying interview with Sara.

Again: the interview below is FILLED WITH LIES.  Enjoy!

Gabi Conti (GC): Who are you wearing?

Sarah Schaefer (SS): Balenciaga shoes, the hat I have on is Marc Jacobs. He’s into top hats right now, so I have a top hat on. And of course the dress I have on is Old Navy. It’s ironic what I’m doing. I’m not sure what it’s ironic for.

GC: And you look great! Now, since this is a Hollywood interview, I have to ask you a Hollywood question: What is in your purse?

SS: I have my dog. He’s a Great Dane, so it’s pretty cumbersome, and really only his paw fits in it. But, he really loves to put his paw in my purse. He’s being really good. I’m surprised they let him in here, at Nobu. But I have that kind of access.

GC: Of course you do. And what’s your dog’s name, again?

SS: (Breaking character) Oh. This is hard. I didn’t realize what I’ve done to my guests. (Back to lying)
His name is Greg. It was my ex-husband’s name, so I try to keep that name alive in my life. I’m over it though. I’m over it.

GC: It sounds like it. So, did you get Greg the dog before or after the divorce?

SS: After the divorce, because Greg is, as you can see almost man sized, and he can get up into bed and spoon me just like the real human Greg did. My therapist says I’m not letting go, but I really feel like it’s the start of something new.

GC: I agree. So your podcast, I just heard that you are about to interview Beyoncé?

SS: Yes “Beyonc” is going to be on. I call her “Beyonc” and she calls me “Ser-ay.” Normally she would never do a podcast, but ’cause it’s me, she’s totally down. Most of the episodes of my podcast are like 10-15 [minutes], but because she’s special I feel like it’s going to be more like two minutes. At the junket that’s about all the time I’ll get. But we’ll totally hang out later and meet up that night.

GC: Naturally, as best friends do! So, what are you going to ask her? You only have two minutes!

SS: I’m defiantly going to ask her why she hasn’t called me back. And since the podcast is lies, clearly she will be lying. So if she says, “I don’t know who you are, please get out of here. Security!” I’ll know that’s basically her lying, and saying, “no we really are friends.” . . .

GC: I’m sure! So speaking of music, what were you listening to on your car ride over to this interview?

SS: I’m really into screamo. Scremo, Emo, Glee-mo. Glee-mo is like gay emo. Glitter emo. And it’s really upbeat stuff. I like it. And Nemo, which is heavy metal music about the movie Finding Nemo. It’s very sad, because they never found him, in the songs. The songs are about never finding him.

GC: That is sad! I’ll have to check it out regardless. On a happier note, what is the last meal you ate before coming here to Nobu?

SS: Well I have about seven meals a day. Which is my diet . . . So I was at home. I ate at home and I had seven Clif bars, all blueberry crisp. I tend to find that after the third or fourth Clif bar, that’s when I start to feel the protein kick in. That’s when I start to feel like I’m actually on the side of a cliff.

GC: Is that why they call them Clif bars?

SS: Yeah. Because if you eat enough of them you feel like you’re about to die. [You feel like] you’re a rock climber and [everything] is riding on this moment, and then you get that burst of adrenaline that you need to do whatever; to check Twitter, whatever.

GC: I heard that Clif bars are targeted towards men, is that true?

SS: They are targeted towards a male demo, but I eat them so I will become funnier, because obviously as a woman I’m not as funny. I eat Clif bars so I can understand the male audience more and so I can cater to them — I find that it’s working. I recommend them to female comedians: Clif Bars, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper 10. [Everything] that’s for men. . . . and of course, raw eggs.

GC: Like Gaston in Beauty & The Beast? Just like that?

SS: No not like that. More like Rambo or was it Rocky? One of those where Sylvester Stallone drinks an egg in a movie.

He drank a lot of raw eggs in his training, because he too was trying to appeal to a male demo.

GC: And it worked! Because every guy likes his movies!

SS: They were like, “you’re a little too feminine. So if you could just really try to amp it up, we’d really appreciate it.” That makes a lot of sense.

GC: So, everyone wants to know the answer to this question: What is it like being married to Justin Timberlake?

SS: Every day is an adventure. It’s weird because he’s also married to Jessica Biel and bigamy is misunderstood by a lot of people. Especially by him, because I don’t think he knows that he’s in a bigamous relationship. We try to have our time and our moments together. I’m looking forward to the next one, hopefully some time next year. We’re going to run into each other, I just know it.

GC: I feel it too. And what would you say is your biggest accomplishment? Besides being the first female comedian to walk on the moon.

SS: Oh yeah, that’s up there, literally way up there, in space. People said women aren’t funny when they’re on the moon and I clearly proved them wrong. Talk about a tough crowd on the moon and I killed! It was just me and my co-pilot. He didn’t understand why we were doing it but he chuckled a couple of times. It was good.

GC: I’m sure it was! Now, going to the moon, what are the five most essential things that you have to pack?

SS: To the moon? Well first off tampons, because I can’t do my comedy act without my tampons, because I’m a prop tampon comic, like every female comic, obviously, duh. Two: You need to bring oxygen. Like the network, have some of their shows downloaded on your iPad, so you can watch Bad Girl’s Club, I really love that show and I watched it on the way up. I would bring astronaut ice cream. It’s dehydrated ice cream it kind of tastes like chalk and I like to eat that exclusively when I’m in space. Astronaut ice cream, neapolitan flavor. You have to bring a couple of listicles. You have to have them printed out, because again how are you going to stay entertained? What am I gonna to do? Look out the window at Earth? Push some buttons I’m not supposed to? The one listicle I brought that I read like 40 times probably, was “The Top 11 Cat Paws That Will Change Your Life.” And I just looked at that for a while . . .

GC: Of course. Who is one guest that you would never put on your podcast?

SS: Barack Obama.

GC: Why’s that?

SS: Ebola. It’s his fault. And I blame him for that.*

*Again this is a lying interview, in case the government is reading this.

GC: So it’s fall, and everyone is going crazy. What are your three least favorite things about fall?

SS: Three least favorite things about fall. It would have to be pumpkin spice, ’cause it’s bull sh*t, it’s too much spice. . . . Have you ever tasted real raw pumpkin? It’s delicious. The spice ruins it. Just give me some pumpkin puree, and mix that into coffee, and then we’ll talk. It’s a little lumpy but it’s raw eating.

And then I would say, hay rides. They’re BS because I’m sick of people inviting me on hayrides and I get invited to one like every day. I can’t keep up with that! And then the last thing that I think is total BS about fall is all the death. The trees are dying and we’re celebrating decay. I get it circle of life and blah blah blah. But people say, “smell that crisp air!” When what you’re smelling is the corpses of trees. Have you ever seen Purge the movie? It’s like that but with trees. It’s that one time of year where nature just kills itself off. It’s very rude. That’s our job. It’s our job to kill nature. I mean how dare they.

GG: I agree! So, your podcast is on Nerdist and you’ve been on @Midnight a few times, and they’re known for their hashtag wars. What do you think is a hashtag war they really need to do, and it’s insane that they haven’t done it yet?

SS: #GregWhyDidYouLeaveMe?

GC: That’s really relatable.

SS: #GregIHopeYou’reEnjoyingYourNewFamily. That’s just enough room for people to make their funny jokes.

GC: That’s a good one! What is something that most people don’t know about you?

SS: What people don’t realize about me is that I’m actually 21 years old. I don’t normally tell people that because people usually get mad when they realize you’re that young and that successful. Like I’m the kind of person that if someone is three months younger than me and has $10 more than me, I hate them. Most people think I’m 36 and I’m actually 21. I know that I look a little bit older, but that’s because I have plastic surgery to add wrinkles coming in. I gained a little weight. I don’t exercise my butt, I don’t use that muscle at all. I’ll crawl up stairs.

GC: Has it been working?

SS: It’s a little hurtful sometimes when I hear people discuss that I’m too old for certain things, too old for crop tops, too old for booty shorts, too old for college. But I’m not, I’m in college. I just started drinking alcohol. So people think I’m an alcoholic, but really I’m 21.

GC: I’m sorry! Well you look great! Is there anything else we didn’t touch on?

SS: I just want to make it known that Gamer Gate is about ethics in games journalism, and not about hating women.

GC: Noted. Now for some truths, where can we listen to your podcast?

SS: New episodes are up every Tuesday morning. You can listen on Nerdist.com, WNYC.org and iTunes. Please leave a review if you like it. Tell your friends about it. We have some awesome guests coming up like Colin Quinn, Hannah Hart, Mamrie Hart, and Grace Helbig.

[Images via , here.]