jessica tholmer
May 01, 2013 6:00 am

April showers bring May horoscopes, you guys! Don’t worry: May is going to be great for everyone, so let’s start talking about it. In New Zealand, May is National Music Month, and I do not live in NZ (I wish!), but I do love music, and Lord of the Rings, so there is a theme this month for our little advice column.

Gemini
I totally favor Geminis, I’m not even going to lie. I always say that my best girlfriends are all Geminis, which isn’t true, but a few of the closest girls in my life truly are Geminis. You know what else? There are a lot of fantastic rappers that are Geminis. All in all, I can tell you that Geminis are talented, and capable of being friends with pretty much anyone. Why is that? Because Geminis–being twins and all–are capable of multitasking efficiently and putting up with everyone, while remaining true to themselves. (Both of their selves.)

This sunny and rainy and confusing month of May is yours, you double-sided gems. Own it. You were born to thrive in the spring, so don’t forget that when times start out rough in the beginning. It all smooths out in the end. The song that will encourage you through the month, and through your life:

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time.

Famous Twins:
Johnny Depp, Marilyn Monroe, Tupac Shakur, Kanye West, Angelina Jolie, Sasha Obama, and the ever-so-wonderful Olson twins. Literally twins!

Cancer
Joni Mitchell doesn’t write horoscopes, at least not that I have heard of, but I do believe the lyrics to the majority of her songs are something that you should tune into, Moonchild. The song “Little Green” begins with the line “born with a moon in Cancer,” and the rest of the words sung from the beautiful mouth of Mitchell apply to you. 

“Little green, be a gypsy dancer.”

And also be a non-conformer. Have a happy ending. Challenge yourself, write a letter, stop hesitating and do what’s been on your mind. PUSH YOURSELF this month, Cancer. Harder than you usually do. It is almost your time to shine, summer lover, so set yourself up for success this month.

Leo
Want to know one of the best Leos out there? Someone who is fierce and fabulous and gorgeous and confident just like us, beautiful Lion and Lionesses? Jennifer Lopez. And we all know that Leos can fall victim to materialism, and sure, we are a little reckless with our spending sometimes, and we love big jewelry and large drinks and fancy clothes, BUT. Please don’t get caught up with the showiness of someone else. If he/she truly values you as a human, it will not be about money and clothing, it will be about honest affection and quality time. Go with the one who hears you, not the one who shmoozes you this month (and always).

“All that matters is that you treat me right, give me all the things I need that money can’t buy.”

Virgo
I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through.”

Madonna may be a Leo, but she sings the Virgo theme song.

Virgo, my sweet introverted dear, you have made it through the wilderness. That mosquito in your ear is gone. It’s not, you say? The buzzing continues? Then *squish the darn bug. Just do it without overanalysis, without dwelling on the “what if”s of the situation. Just. Do. It.

And then you’ve made it through. Turn up your Beyoncé.

*I do not condone killing insects, I think it is super mean.

Libra
Do you feel lucky, Libra? Well, do ya? I hear that Libras are supposed to be really lucky, and I can’t say that it seems all that inaccurate. So I think you should go to Las Vegas this month and make some huge bets on some serious roulette tables.

Or make that a hypothetical suggestion and do something a little less crazy, but just as risky in your own personal life.

You’re the lucky one, so I’ve been told. As free as the wind blowing down the road.”

Scorpio
“I said it and meant it, the Scorpio’s mind has many dimensions,” sings Drake, *everyone’s favorite Degrassi actor turned hip hop artist.

Now I am not a fan of Drake, but I am a fan of Scorpios, and I have to agree that the Scorpio mind certainly does have many dimensions. Those dimensions can cause a Scorpio to be uninviting, but also friendly; calm, but full of brooding inner frustration; sad, but happy. There is nothing wrong with being complicated, Scorpio, the best of us are, but perhaps in the ever-looming situation in your life right now, you should try to hone in on just one of your many characteristics.|

*Not mine.

Sagittarius
You know that song “99 Problems”? Of course you do. Well Sean “Jay Z” Carter wrote and rapped that little ditty, and fun fact! Jay is also a Sag. So tell me, dear Archer: what are your 99 problems? Grab a pen, write them all out, and then take this approach to your life:

“If you don’t like my lyrics you can press fast forward.”

Press fast forward, guys. Leave it behind.

Capricorn
Would you consider yourself somewhat of an “Island in the Stream,” my dearest Capricorn? No silly, not the Hemingway novel, but the radical song written by the Bee Gees, but performed by your fellow Capricorn friend Dolly Parton (and Kenny Loggins, Leo).

The song “Island in the Stream” is about two people working together, riding together, making love with each other, and basically being the best team ever. Do you have someone like that in your life right now, in any form? Or have you been individualized for far too long? Independence is very important, but maybe you should try not to lose sight of the real thing. Get yourself back out there. It’s a big sea for you. Thousands of fish.

Aquarius
“Harmony and understanding. Sympathy and trust abounding. No more falsehoods or derisions, golden living dreams of visions. Mystic crystal revelation and the mind’s true liberation. Aquarius! Aquarius!

Alright, maybe a cliche song to go with, but let’s be real. It has your name in the title, and there are some key pieces of advice in here: let the sun shine in. The sun. Shine. In.

Aquarius, you love the spring, and you love the summer even more, so this is your time to shine, quite literally. You are a complicated being with a lot on your plate, but toss the plate (throw it on the ground!) and liberate your mind this month, and for the next few. Live it up! The sun is shining!

Pisces
“What would I give if I could live out of these waters? What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?”

Well Pisces, as your famous fishy friend Ariel lamented once before in 1989, what would you pay to spend a day warm on the sand? You feel a bit stagnant in your current role: whether it be the city you live in, the job you work at, or the relationship you are currently in.

So do something about it. Ariel did it, and so can you!

Aries
I’m not the man they think I am at home, oh no, no, no.”

“Rocket Man,” one of the best Elton John (who is an Aries) songs of all-time, is a pretty weird song, you guys. I mean, some people think it is about space exploration, some people think it is about closeted homosexuality, some people think it is about drug use, like every song ever, so what do you think, Aries? What do you think people think about you? You have an uncanny ability to stay true to yourself in unfamiliar situations, but you really do rely on that mask, don’t you? Around your parents, you are one way, and around your friends, another, and at work, an even more subdued version of who you want to be. But this month, I think you should focus on who you truly enjoy being around, on who makes you the best version of yourself.

Don’t be stubborn. It doesn’t have to be a long, long time. This isn’t rocket science.

Taurus
You know how there is a theme in the movie Silver Linings Playbook where Bradley Cooper‘s character can’t hear the song “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” without having a total mental and physical breakdown? You have that effect on people right now, you big Bull, and it is only in your power to transform that emotional reaction. You have not had The Best Year Ever, and in turn, you have made the ones who love you pretty darn frustrated–like unexpectedly hearing the song “Sunshine of My Life.”

“You must have known that I was lonely, because you came to my rescue. And I know that this must be heaven, how could so much love be inside of you?

There truly is so much love inside of you, like fellow Taurus Stevie Wonder once sang. Remind yourself, and then work on convincing the ones who have hurt that you are not all that bad anymore. Fix yourself, start at the root, and work your way back into our hearts.

Featured image via paradacreations, Mary Kate and Ashley image via fanpop.

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