jessica tholmer
April 09, 2013 9:00 am

I am super into National Holidays right now, because who the heck knew there were like a million of them? There are! In fact, I bet there is a National Day for every day of the year. For instance, August 17th is National Jessica Tholmer, Sean Penn, Robert DeNiro, my friend Anne’s Dad’s Day, because birthdays are important.

…I made that up. But I did not make up this day! Today is National Name Yourself Day, so let’s do it! Everyone has that name that they wished they were called, you know what I mean? When I was a kid, I would legitimately question my mother’s sanity for naming me “Jessica” instead of “Crystal.” Because in my child-like mind, Crystal was like the best name ever. I don’t even know why, but I’m pretty sure it was a spin on “Krista” or “Crysta” from FernGully, which is a fantastic movie, and the soundtrack still makes me cry, but that’s neither here nor there.

My parents fought over my name and settled on just like, whatever, we’ll call her Jessica! Because Jessica was not very common in 1987, but turns out, every parent had the same thought so everyone I have ever met is also named Jessica. I mean, come on, Mom!

My parents’ list of names for me:

  • Dorothy–my dad’s choice, after his mother. (VETOED)
  • Quinn–my mom’s choice, because she’s Irish.
  • Mallory–my mom’s choice, AFTER MALLORY KEATON FROM FAMILY TIES AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME.
  • Vanessa–my mom’s choice, yeah, like the Huxtable. That also would have been awesome.
  • Marianne–my grandmother’s choice. Also my mother’s name, and every other woman in her family’s name, basically. (VETOED)

I hate my name, I always have, so this holiday is perfect for me: a sad late 80s child who had to grow up with a name not even remotely as unique as her personality. Sigh.

Let’s celebrate this day, though! I will go by Mallory Keaton, because Michael J. Fox is my favorite man alive, and she is kind of like his sister, at least in television land, which is real life to those of us logical thinkers.

Tell me, tell me! What is your name today?!

Featured image via ShutterStock, Crysta image via imdb.com

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