Kathryn Lindsay
Updated May 19, 2016 @ 1:08 pm
Britney Spears: American Dream
Credit: Author

I’m all aboard whatever train is inspiring celebrities to make mobile games based on their lives, since they’re always so much fun. Kim Kardashian: Hollywood was a huge success when it came out back in 2014, so Britney Spears has followed suit with her own game called Britney Spears: American Dream, which is free in the App Store. As a devoted Britney fan, I decided to give it a try and, you guys, it is bonkers in the very best way.

First, users make a character. I stayed pretty true to how I look IRL, except I decided to go ombré, because Britney would want me to live my best life. I also opted out of wearing glasses, simply because they don’t seem to exist in Britney’s world.

The game kicked off with me and Britney onstage. I’m the one on the left, obviously, and I’m not wearing pants:

Credit: Author

Britney was clad in a sheer bodysuit and thigh-high boots as she asked me, “Do you remember the day we met in L.A.?” The only available answer was yes. I was then transported back in time to my lowly beginnings as a Microbe Music employee under the watchful eye of Wallace Scott, who has longer hair than I do both IRL and in the game.

Credit: Author

Wallace asked if I could restock the CDs. At this point, I’m still only permitted to say yes. Then I got a call from a friend saying that Britney Spears just walked into the “Starbeans” next door.

Credit: Author

I asked Wallace if I could got to Starbeans and the choices were “explain” or “beg,” with the following ONLY option being, “You’re the best!” I’m starting to think Wallace made this game.

Once at Starbeans, my friend convinced to sing onstage — because for some reason this Starbucks-knockoff has a stage in it.

For those familiar with Kim Kardashian’s game, the set-up for singing is pretty much identical to Kim being at photoshoots. Players have a certain amount of energy to do things —in this case, saying different lyrics and the fleeting option to do a “quick dance turn.”

Credit: Author

But Britney is there! So I went to talk to her. This turned out to be a good idea, because she invited me to a party for StarCore media and put my “name on the guest list.”

Credit: Author

I headed on over in a cute dress, but got stopped by a paparazzo from Pop Starz magazine who was wearing a man bun.

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Even in Britney’s game world, men are telling women to smile.

Once I arrived at the party, Britney said she wanted to introduce me to Anne Means, a record exec who enjoys some hard drinking:

Credit: Author

But Anne wouldn’t give me an audition unless I had a show at The Venom Room that got good reviews.

Britney told me not to give up, then said she has to “get back to business.” I had business myself, since I managed to turn on the charm and get a gig at The Venom Room because the original singer, Aston Kole, hasn’t shown up.

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After this, I met Aston Kole, who is essentially the Willow Pape of this game. Turns out, she’s not happy I stole her show. My options were to tell Aston, “Jealous much?” or to apologize.

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Success! Anne took a meeting with me thanks to my good performance,and offered to represent me after I wowed her with some “sustained high notes.”

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This next picture isn’t relevant, I just wanted to show you guys that there’s a glitch in the game where you can leave your apartment still wearing a towel on your head:

Credit: Author

Anyway, I got to the recording studio and FINALLY, there was something new to do.

Credit: Author

It’s time to work on my first single! I get to title the song and choose the genre, so naturally I went for “Crunk Honky Tonk” (but “Jazzy Jazz” was a close second). I also got to create my single’s cover art:

Credit: Author

I made the cover art the stage back at Starbeans, because that’s where it all began, and I made myself very, very tiny in front of a large microphone to represent my struggle in the industry, and all women’s struggles in the industry, really.

I’m assuming my singing career could continue pretty much like this as I work my way up the ladder, all the way to performing with Britney — which is how this whole thing started anyways. Now that’s inspirational.

Fans of the Kim Kardashian game will love this game, simply because they are exactly the same. But hey, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?