Elena Sheppard
Updated May 24, 2016 7:50 am
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You guys, a new season of The Bachelorette began last night, and we have SO many thoughts. Let us begin.

1. Okay JoJo, here we go. We’re actually deeply excited about watching her on this season, because let’s be honest, she won us over with that unicorn mask during her first episode of The Bachelor.

2. Not a drill, the first thing my roommate said when she saw JoJo was, “wow, she’d be the best Bachelorette ever.”

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3. Seeing this Bachelor recap actually paints Ben in a totally new light. We kind of skimmed over how deeply uncool it was that he said “I love you” to two women.

4. JoJo just said, “I just want the love that I can count on.” We feel you girl.

5. We forgot how immediately amazing The Bachelorette is. There is truly something wonderful about seeing so many men ready to throw down and win a woman’s heart. There’s also something even more wonderful about how little control the guys have, for once.

6. How is this episode two hours long? Oh, yes, it’s because of anticipation-building sessions like this former Bachelorette summit.

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7. This summit is also an inadvertent display of just how non-diverse this show is. 🙁

8. Like, truly.

9. They could create an entire spinoff show about how to get JoJo’s perfect hair and we would watch every, single, episode.

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10. Oh thank god, Chris Harrison is here and it’s time to get a little background on the gents.

11. First dude up: Grant — a hot firefighter. Though we do remember from the website that he cited his worst date ever as being with a girl who talked about Harry Potter for 20 minutes. We question Grant’s stamina, and taste.

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12. Um, second bachelor up is a hot former NFL player brooding in the rain? His name is Jordan and we’re already putting money down that he’s going far. Can we choose him upfront?

13. Alex, the marine, has a motorcycle that is kind of out-of-control massive. He almost looks like a child on a tricycle riding it.

14. One of the contestants is a “Bachelor superfan” as his profession, which is almost as good as the girl on last season of The Bachelor who was a “chicken enthusiast.”

15. The Bachelor superfan is now packing a picture of Chris Harrison in his suitcase.

16. Next guy up is a guy named Evan who is an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. He just described his work as “draining.” 🙁

17. We also remember Evan’s profile because it was kind of chilling. He said “chipped nail polish” was a deal breaker and spoke at length about his beautiful “sexual energy.”

18. Okay Ali, ridiculously hot Iranian piano player/bartender. In.

19. Truly, three cheers for Chris Harrison for making a career out of this.

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20. Is Chris Harrison married?

21. Could Chris Harrison be the Bachelor?

22. Just googled it, he is not married. He could be the Bachelor.

23. We like that JoJo is commenting on how all of the men look as they make their first impressions. We’re weirdly okay with her objectifying them.

24. Not really into this guy Robby who called JoJo ma’am and had her drink from a bottle of red wine.

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25. Daniel’s profession is “Canadian.” false

26. The name of this contestant is James Taylor. He is a singer/songwriter and yup, looks like we’ll just be totally ignoring the fact that is name is James Taylor.

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28. The men’s reaction to the man in the kilt is beyond amazing. They cannot handle it. They think he’s straight up insane.

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29. We, on the other hand, can’t decide if the guy dressed as Santa is a genius or totally crazy.

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30. Then again, maybe the costumes help because without them these guys all look the same.

31. Moment of silence for the guy whose profession is listed, simply, as “hipster.”

32. Potential quote of the night: “If you come out with a well-known acapella group, you have a leg up for sure.”

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33. Also, really like how the show is acting as if All-4-One is on an equal fame level with Justin Bieber.

34. $10 says JoJo already likes Luke, the guy who rode in on a unicorn.

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35. The men in the house CANNOT deal with the Marine doing push ups with JoJo on his back.

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36. We are straight up putting some money on Jordan the former NFL player. He’s going far.

37. Annnnnnnd they kissed.

38. We are putting big money on Chad as well.

39. Even though our first impression of Chad is that he is a little too cocky.

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40. We also cannot believe Santa guy has not taken off the Santa outfit.

41. The house is getting a bit too rowdy. These boys can’t hold their liquor.

42. Another quote contender, from Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist who is becoming an oddball favorite: “Dude, you can’t poke me in the belly button.”

43. Daniel “The Canadian” with the short tie needs to go home. It is time.

44. Now insanely drunk men are crashing JoJo’s interview which stresses us out A LOT.

45. Turns out JoJo feels the same way about them being hammered as we do.

46. BTW, this photograph sums up the awkwardness of this show and 20+ guys simultaneously dating the same woman.

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47. Additionally, there is no way to watch this show without wanting to be on it, and thinking of all the ways you would do it differently.

48. Is it weird that we only know these people by their first names? Like, does JoJo have a last name?

49. Apparently she does, and according to Google it’s Fletcher.

50. Hot Iranian piano man is bringing out his piano skills. He also just has really exceptional hair.

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51. What time is this all happening? Is it like 4 am? 6 pm? Does The Bachelorette operate in a universe devoid of time?

52. Who will JoJo give the first impression rose to??

53. We have a few ideas: Cowboy Luke, James Taylor, NFL player Jordan, or that macho guy Chad.

54. Jordan it is!

55. JoJo also holds hands with these guys very intimately. Like, more intimately than we do with people we’ve dated for years.

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56. It’s interesting to hear what guys trash talk each other for: Not being genuine, being short, etc.

57. Whose job do we think it is to cut those roses down to appropriate lapel size?

58. Oh my god, who is last-minute pulling up in a limo? Our hearts! We are so tense. Poor Evan can’t take it.

59. Thank goodness for the Bachelor Superfan who is here to inform us limo man is former Bachelor Jake Pavelka.

60. The men HATE him with the fire of 1,000 suns.

61. Okay, he’s just here to give JoJo advice. They don’t hate him anymore. Not a coup of the heart.

62. They’ve been at this for a long time. Poor JoJo’s dress straps are digging into her shoulders. We’re here for you, girl.

63. First rose goes to the cowboy Luke. Shoulda put money on that.

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64. Another best quote contender: “If Santa Claus or the guy in a kilt gets a rose and I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself.”

65. Chad seems like he might be this season’s Olivia.

68. Also we’ve been watching this episode for two hours and we still can’t tell most of these guys apart. Not only do they all have the same face, most of them have the same haircut.

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69. Here’s to the blacked out drunk guys who can’t understand why the haven’t gotten a rose yet.

70. Best quote contender: “If Daniel gets a rose, what are we doing here?”

71. Open-mouthed, jaw-open disbelief that she just gave Daniel a rose.

72. Wow, it actually must be really sad to not get a rose on the first night.

73. Man hugs all around as the people who are leaving depart.

74. As the guys leave we see that it’s daylight. Seriously, what time did the festivities even begin?

75. In sum: JoJo is a dream, some of these men are studs, and the previews for this season look absolutely bonkers. Will we be watching this every Monday night? Yup.

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