ABC/Craig Sjodin
Jessica Ellis, Briana Hansen, Chelsea Duff
May 21, 2017 9:47 am

We are T-24 to the premiere of The Bachelorette, starring the beloved lawyer who was far too good for Nick Viall on last season of The Bachelor. (That may sound harsh, but she knew it, we knew it, he knew it…probably even Corinne knew it.) We loved us some Rachel last season, with her sly wit, beaming smile, and knows-what-she-needs personality.

So we decided to ask three of our weekend editors to sift through all those contestant bios — yes, including the “Whaboom” guy — and pick their favorite to outwit, outlast, outplaya, to win Rachel’s heart.

Jessica Ellis, senior weekend editor.

Bachelor obsession level? Will drop out of boring seasons, but always gets drawn back in.

"Rachel actually seems like a smart girl, and were I single I would say she should date me instead of these guys."

Jessica’s pick for the winner?

"He seems OCD enough to make a lawyer happy. I don't see him winning necessarily, but if I picked a trifecta to make the top 3, he'd definitely be there."

Pick for not-a-chance will he make it?

"Schemers never prosper. He might make it through a few eps for the drama, but she's too smart to fall for this for long."

Briana Hansen, weekend editor.

Bachelor obsession level? Only what she knows through SNL sketches.

"I hear very good things, but I kept forgetting to actually watch this show. I'm easily the most unqualified to make any sort of educated guess on this."

Briana’s pick for the winner?

"My head is saying pick Peter, the fellow midwesterner with the heart-melting smile, but my heart is saying it's definitely Jonathan, the 'Tickle Monster.'"

Pick for not-a-chance will he make it?

"Again, I'm grossly unqualified for this, but I'll go with Lucas since he listed his occupation as 'whaboom' and Rachel is a highly intelligent lawyer and that's not even a word."

Chelsea Duff, weekend editor.

Bachelor obsession level? Here for the first season of The Bachelorette with Trista — and finally back. After tweeting through last summer’s Bachelor in Paradise and Nick’s season, all in for Rachel.

"Rachel getting to be the Bachelorette feels like the ultimate stunt on your ex who wronged you — except Rachel's way too gracious to ever look at it that way. Too bad all of these guys are hopelessly unworthy of her brilliance."

Chelsea’s pick for the winner?

"He's hot AF, knows how to party, but doesn't want to get Charlie-Sheen-2011 crazy — and says he's a great big brother. The bar is just that low, guys. Oh, and also he described his ideal mate as being 'like the Fonz.' How are you not sold? When he brought the plane tickets with him on After the Final Rose, I swear Rachel almost left with him right then."

Pick for not-a-chance will he make it?

"Speaking of After the Final Rose, this is the 'I'm ready to go black and I'm never going to go back' guy. I'm terrified the producers will want to keep him around for drama (can you even believe he's coming onto an engaged-is-the-endgame show and doesn't believe in marriage? I mean, yeah, I can too, but come on) and crossing all of my fingers that Rachel gets to send him home right away. She deserves better than any of these dudes (and, side note, why are so many of them discussing their boners?), but especially anyone that's getting fetish-y about dating a black woman."

All in all, Rachel’s got a good head on her shoulders, so we know she’ll make the right choices. But, Rachel, if you need help — call us!

Best of luck, Rachel!

(H/T to Amy Kaufman for the succinct bio summaries!)

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