Rachel Paige
October 31, 2016 3:40 pm
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Over the weekend, we were blessed with a Happy Endings reunion, and it was goddamn glorious. Eliza Coupe, Damon Wayans, Jr., Casey Wilson, Zachary Knighton, Elisha Cuthbert, and Adam Pally all reunited together at Entertainment Weekly’s Pop Fest to do a table read of a “lost episode” — AKA, what would happen if the show were miraculously picked up for a magical Season 4. It was everything we could have ever hoped for in a ~brand new~ Happy Endings episode, and it did not disappoint (we were also in the audience, and know this first hand).

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Going into the episode, we were informed that seconds after the Season 3 finale (also know, as the Series Finale, but let’s not talk about it), there was a huge fight on the dance floor and our gang has not been in contact for some 932 days, give or take zero. They’ve all moved away from Chicago and have charted new paths in life. So where’s everyone when Season 4 picks up in the future? We’ve got the details:

Penny

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Um, we’re not actually sure what Penny is doing, so like, you know, it’s the Usual Penny. She’s also in jail. MALL JAIL! For, uh, almost kidnapping some children in Williams-Sonoma, but that’s the children’s fault, okay? Not Penny’s. Things aren’t super ah-mazing right now.

Max

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Max now lives in D.C., and has taken on a very interesting, and timely (but not at all appropriate) job: He’s one of the scary clowns lurking in the woods, and the pay is zero. He also has a real job in D.C., which means he has aides — even though the group of friends interprets that as AIDS, and everyone freaks out. Don’t worry, though, Max, is gonna live forever! But will never outlive Jane.

Alex

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The lovable and “not as dumb as I am” Alex has somehow turned her little store in Chicago into a fashion empire. She lives in London and can still put away a plate of wings like no one else.

Jane

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According to Alex, Jane works making “Toy Yodas,” but she actually works for Toyota in their robotics division. Or, er, in their sex doll department. She and Brad have separated and Jane does NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Dave

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Steak Me Home Tonight is still alive and well, but now Dave is driving around the country cosplaying (or, cos-chef-playing) as Jon Favreau’s Chef. He’s also writing a Hamilton musical. A Scott Hamilton musical (don’t tell him about the other Hamilton musical).

Brad

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Brad has moved into the wilderness and his best friend is an owl. Don’t think too much about it.

And what brings all these friends together once again?

Scotty (remember their ~weird neighbor~ Scotty?) has passed away, so they all come together for his funeral. Except that he’s not really dead, but rather faking his own death at Alex’s request so the group can get back together…but then in faking his own death he actually dies and it’s kind of a mess.

But hey, Alex, Jane, Brad, Dave, Penny, and Max are best friends again, and that’s what matters!

…except that suddenly, Alex wakes up from a dream. She’s in bed with Dave, and he tells her to go back to bed because they are getting MARRIED TOMORROW. Alex recounts her entire crazy dream to him, starting with them getting married but she leaves Dave at the alter, and ends with Scotty dying. OMG, has all of Happy Endings been a DREAM?

Dave and Alex head back to bed with Alex wondering aloud, “Do people actually leave people at the alter?” and the Happy Endings cycle begins again.

Please #BringBackHappyEndings.

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