Anna Gragert
June 22, 2016 12:20 pm
HBO
HBO

My whole entire life is basically a Game of Thrones spoiler. Though I’ve never seen even a second of the show, it follows me everywhere – at work, at home, in the grocery store, online, when I’m in elevators at parking garages. Game of Thrones is EVERYWHERE. So, to see what all the fuss is about, I decided to give the first episode a go. Not only that – but I also decided to react to it, as someone who’s never seen GoT.

Below, you will find my authentic, newbie responses…

1. He looks like Matt Damon.

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2. That fire cannot be real. Did they CGI fire?

3. They all have such great skin.

4. Man, that was a long tunnel scene.

5. Why did they split up?! The guy who went off on his own is going to die, isn’t he?!

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6. Talk about a White Christmas, amirite?

7. NO. STAY ON THE HORSE. DO NOT GO TOWARD THE SMOKE.

8. I was not expecting that. Also, those bodies look very fake. I hope the props get better.

9. Oh god – why is that creepy doll hanging from a tree??

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10. Huh. Wonder what that symbol means. Also wonder why they had to create it with dismembered body parts.

11. Wildlings? Are those fairies or something?

12. Matt Damon is a jerk. Now they’re all going to die.

13. Where did the dead bodies go?! Are they zombies? Is Game of Thrones about zombies??[/subheader]

14. NO. DON’T SPLIT UP (AGAIN). He’s definitely going to die now.

15. Um. What is that? Is he holding intestines? Why would he pick those up?!

16. What the heck is that?! Why did it have glowing blue eyes? Matt Damon – why didn’t you listen to your friends and go back?!?!

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17. Well, at least the horses made it out alive.

18. IT’S THE CREEPY DOLL CHILD.

19. What? Is? Happening? Why does it sound like glass is braking as they run?

20. Ew.

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21. Epic theme song. This is my favorite part thus far, tbh.

22. Am I supposed to memorize all these town names? Are they even towns? This seems like a lot of work.

23. How did he make it out alive?

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24. Oh, thank goodness. They label the locations. I feel like that’s going to come in handy.

25. KIT HARINGTON. But who’s that other hottie?

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26. Maisie Williams is practically a fetus here. But like, a super pissed fetus.

27. That guy seems like such a good dad.

28. YAS, MAISIE. You pull a Katniss and start a feminist revolution!

29. The Night’s Watch? What were they even watching? The Wildlings? Also – was it even nighttime?

30. They’re going to behead him, aren’t they?

31. Yeah, maybe Bran should sit this one out.

32. WINTER IS COMING. I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE THAT LINE COMES FROM. I DON’T FEEL SUPER LEFT OUT ANYMORE.

33. What’s going on between Jon Snow and Lady Stark? (Also, it’s Jon – not John – right?)

34. The deserter needs some chapstick.

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35. But he saw the White Walkers!! Well – he saw something!! (I don’t know what White Walkers are…) Hasn’t he been through enough?

36. Oh god. Are they actually going to show this part? Bran, we should prob sit this one out.

37. How did they get the nickname Ned from the name Eddard?

38. No. No. No. No. So. Much. Blood.

39. Ew. But that dead deer does look pretty realistic. A+ job, prop department.

40. Ohhh. That’s so sad. But also, what is that creature?

41. A direwolf?

42. That man with the white beard ponytail is starting to freak me out.

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43. Those puppies are my favorite characters.

44. Yes, Kit Harington! Encourage them to keep the puppies!!

45. Yay, he gets a puppy, too! With red eyes? Is that symbolic?

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46. Hey, there’s the Iron Throne that’s on all the posters!

47. Why is that guy on a table?

48. Blondie looks just like Prince Charming from Shrek – BuzzFeed was right![/subheader]

(See here for BuzzFeed.)

HBO / DreamWorks Animation

49. Alright, something weird is going on between brother and sister Lannister.

50. A raven instead of a carrier pigeon? Classy – but also creepy.

51. Aw, poor Jon Snow’s hair.

52. I feel like Bran should not be playing on roofs? Like, I would totally fall and immediately die if I were doing that.

53. Oh my god – is that the direwolf they literally just rescued? What are they feeding it??

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54. Called it. I knew Lady Stark would be mad.

55. He’s lying. He’s definitely going to climb some more.

56. That blonde boy on the King’s horse looks like he’s going to murder someone.

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57. Sansa could care less about where Arya is.

58. Peter Dinklage has boy-band frosted tips?

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59. Emilia Clarke looks kinda like Queen Elsa.

60. Wait. Emilia Clarke is that guy’s sister? Um… so why is he fondling her?

61. Her wedding dress is basically see-through.

62. And Khal Drogo is wearing eyeliner.

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63. He’s a terrible brother. SUCH A TERRIBLE BROTHER AND HUMAN BEING.

64. Ohhhhhh. Was the dress meant to be see-through?

65. Poor Danareyus (spelling?). Where are her dragons?

66. Not a fan of Sansa.

67. Is Ned… Jon’s father? That’s awkward… Oh! Is that why Lady Stark gave him a dirty look earlier?

68. I was right! But who’s his mother?

69. Tyrion seems very wise… when he’s not in the whorehouse.

70. Why do they keep saying “winter is coming”? What does that even mean??

71. “Little dove” = such a cute nickname

72. “And have you bled yet?” She’s not messing around.

73. Arya is such a stereotypical little sister.

74. That bedroom looks like a dungeon. Who’s their decorator?

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75. I feel like I could use a family tree right about now.

76. Finally. Back to Emilia Clarke.

77. …and more blood.

78. Dragon eggs!!!

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79. “There is no word for ‘thank you’ in Dothraki.” That’s so so sad.

80. Her brother is SO EVIL.

81. Oh, this is so sad.

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82. I feel like Ned Stark is going to die.

83. Now I feel like Bran is going to die.

84. So I guess incest isn’t out of the question???

85. That’s it???? That’s how it ends???? OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD. Are they crazy?????

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86. But also: called it. I knew Bran wouldn’t quit on climbing.[/subheader]

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