In a season full of murderous clowns, and probably murderous bees, and a certainly murderous Evan Peters, it’s nice that American Horror Story: Cult took the time to introduce us to a guinea pig. How sweet of them! Who doesn’t want to be friends with a precious, soft guinea pig? Well, the answer to that is simple, because the answer is American Horror Story: Cult.
Like so many others before him, this brand new character — a guinea pig named, WAIT FOR IT, Mr. Guinea — was not long for this world. Shortly after being introduced in the third episode of AHS, “Neighbors from Hell,” Mr. Guinea was taken from us, in a horribly tragic death. Death by microwave.
Things are not great at the Mayfair-Richards house. At the end of Episode 2, Ally accidentally shoots and kills Pedro, and now the town is starting to turn on her (as they rightfully should). Ivy is also starting to turn on her, because Ally appears to be in an unstoppable downward spiral. Also turning on Ally? Their son, Oz. Ally really needs to get her shit together.
This is then when a guinea pig magically appears in the Mayfair-Richards house. Bad babysitter Winter explains that the ~neighbors from hell~, The Wiltons, brought it over, but even that story is shaky AT BEST. Ally doesn’t care who it’s from, because she’s more like, “Get this thing out of my house now.”
Real talk, everyone should be WAY more freaked out about the fact that a guinea pig, complete with a cage, just suddenly showed up in their living room?? But, okay.
At first, Ally is against keeping the guinea pig, but then after she realizes she is being a Shitty Mom, she changes her mind. Oz can keep Mr. Guinea! Oz is so excited to tell Mr. Guinea that he’s got a forever home! But this story does not have a happy ending. While the family is out having dinner, someone puts Mr. Guinea in the microwave and turns it on.
Repeat: Mr. Guinea meets a tragic end in the microwave.
There have been a lot of deaths on AHS, but this one hurts a lot because it was a lovable PET. Is no one save on AHS this season, not even the guinea pig introduced to add a little sunshine and light into a show where clowns behead people? Guess not. Please no one get a dog this season, because I seriously can’t even deal with the thought of that.