Mia Galuppo
October 06, 2013 1:00 pm

The Bradgelina phenomenon, spanning nearly a decade, has captured the whimsy and imagination of a generation.

Recently, Angelina Jolie was spotted with a second band on her ring finger, leaving many to speculate that Jolie and Pitt may have, officially, become Jolie-Pitt.

If this rumor were proved true, here is what will likely happen in the wake of such an occurrence:

1. Brad Will Cut His Hair

After having one too many wine spritzers– and being the wily prankster that he is– Pitt took a bet from longtime pal Matt Damon that stipulated the four-time Oscar nominee is not allowed to cut his hair until he “puts a ring on it” or until Ocean’s Fourteen goes into production.

2. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher Flee to Bosnia

Now that Pitt and Jolie are finally joined in matrimony (That rhyme took me an hour and a half to fully form.) the Peoples and Us Weeklies of the world will be looking for another celebrity couple to play house with. Mila and Ashton, with their current relationship status and perpetual camera-ready hair, seem to be the ideal candidates. In order to get away from the strangers calls for greater commitment, they will take up residence in the Southeastern European country under the false pretense of helping the nation secure their EU bid.

3. The Government Shut Down Will End

So inspired by the news of the nuptials, Congress puts aside their differences and passes a budget, effectively reopening all government-run organizations. The sound bites from the press conference read:

“We figured if Mr. and Mrs. Smith can get it done, then so could we.”

                                    – Speaker of the House, John Boehner.

“Although I fancy myself as more of an Affleck-Garner man *pauses for laughter* I can still appreciate and draw inspiration from the planning and forethought that went into such a momentous decision.”

                                  – President of the United States, Barack Obama

“I loved them in No String Attached!”

                                    – 2012 Presidential Candidate, Newt Gingrich

4. Clooney Considers Marriage

“Maybe I will— nah,” says Clooney’s subconscious.

5. Absolutely Nothing

The sun will rise in the east and set in the west. Gravity will remain firmly intact. The leaves will continue their seasonal descent from the tress. And TMZ will publish an article about Ryan Gosling pumping gas. All will remain, as it should.

Then on one auspicious morning, when everything seems quiet and nature is at peace. When the harmony of the universe can almost be discerned as an audible hum and even the oceans have ceased their eternal struggle with the shore. At this point… the divorce rumors will begin.

Nothing gold can stay.

Featured image via.

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