Rachel Paige
February 13, 2015 2:30 pm

As of today, we live in a world where Fifty Shades of Grey is a movie you can see in theaters. There’s no turning back now.

For close to the past year, you’ve probably gone back and forth trying to figure out your feelings for the book, and now you’re doing the same with movie. You might have deliberated over whether or not to even read the book in the first place. You might have gone back and forth over whether or not you thought the whole thing was pro or anti-woman. Hey, you might have also had zero thoughts about any of this!

Now, though, it’s time to figure out if this movie is worth the $14.50 you’re going to spend on a ticket. If you are deliberating about whether or not to see this movie in theaters, you are not alone. And the reality is, many of us are likely mulling over the same should-we or shouldn’t-we thoughts. Here are the many stages in that thought process, we’ve been there too sister. We’re going through it right now.

The, “Pretending I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About” Stage

Someone else is like, “oh, are you going to see Fifty Shades of Grey when it opens?” And you laugh and go, “oh, they made it into a movie?” as if anyone BELIEVES that you’ve somehow managed to avoid all the promotional material for it. Play oblivious all you want, but you know exactly what everyone else is talking about. There’s no getting out of taking a stand one way or another on Fifty Shades.

The Denial Stage

When you’re like, “there’s no way I would ever see that movie, are you kidding me?” Then, you quietly check showtimes on your phone, just in case you get out of work early and can catch a matinee. But you’re still steadfast: you are NOT seeing it. You’re just checking showtimes. There’s no harm in that. Because you’re not seeing it.

The Complaining Stage

One of your other friends will ask you about it, and 45 minutes later you will have finished your Fifty Shades of Grey rant about the book, the movie, the choice of Jamie Dornan, how that Beyoncé song from the trailer is SO GOOD, how Target is now selling Fifty Shades of Grey products, and what is this world coming to? And then it’ll be 45 minutes later and you’re still talking about it, and everyone else is like, “simmer down, ok?” You had no idea you had so many feelings about it in the first place.

The General Inquiry Stage

That’s the casual text you send your friends, FIFTY SHADES THIS WEEKEND? LOL!

But, then when they text back, YEAH LET’S GO LOL. You realize what you’ve done.

The Checking Out What Others Are Saying Stage

Critics have already seen it, right? You can see what they’re saying, and so far, the reviews have actually been, like, good.. Then you can scope what everyone from the Thursday night midnight showing said about it: They seemed to like it too. Oh, and your friend from work saw an advanced screening, and even she liked it. So far, no one is banishing the movie to the outskirts of cinema. Interesting.

The Avoiding The Question When Your Mom Asks You If You’re Seeing It Stage

Your mom calls to ask, “Which one is Jon Stewart?” (because moms can never tell the late night hosts apart) and when you’re done explaining which one he is, she asks if you’re seeing Fifty Shades this weekend. Right then you immediately launch into a long impassioned monologue about who you think should take over The Daily Show, successfully avoiding the question! She’s so confused! Well done!

The Really Awkward Time When Your Grandmother Asks If You’re Seeing It Stage

Grammy then has to go and say that all the ladies at the senior center are seeing it together, adding, “It should be a hoot!”

The Thought That, Maybe It Won’t Be So Bad? Stage

It’s getting all sorts of hype and press. Maybe this whole thing has just gotten blown out of proportion. It’s just a movie. You love movies! It’s only two hours. That’s only two hours of your life dedicated to watching this movie. It’s a movie. There have been worse movies that are waaaay longer.

The Deciding Moment — You’re Going to See It! Stage

Plus, you have a coupon for a free small popcorn! This is the best day ever!!

Nope, Decided Against It. Nope. Not Seeing It. Stage 

But you came so close! Give yourself a pat on the back for almost seeing it. It’s the fact that you tried, that’s what counts.

But Then That Moment When Your Friend Asks If You Wanna See A Movie Stage

You already texted her about it, remember? Now she’s asking if you’re serious. It all comes down to this moment. You tell your friend that she can pick the movie, whatever movie she wants, and you don’t care either way. She spends a lot of time going back and forth between American Sniper, and The SpongeBob Movie, and then Fifty Shades. Finally, she has made her decision —

You Go See Fifty Shades of Grey Stage

Surprisingly enough, the world doesn’t end.

Alternate Reality: None of This Happens

The world doesn’t end in this scenario, either. Instead, you see Kingsmen: The Secret Service. They’re all just movies.

Image via here.

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