Kit Steinkellner
April 28, 2015 9:15 am

Today marks 26 years since the ’80s classic Teen Witch first hit theaters. It’s amazing. And too little known.

When the movie Teen Witch comes up, you’ll usually hear one of two responses: “OHMYGODILOVETHATMOVIETEENWITCHFORPRESIDENT” or “Teen. . .what?”

The 1989 film tells the story of Louise Miller, a classic 80’s-red-headed-high-school-girl-nerd in the grand tradition of Molly Ringwald, who discovers that she’s a descendant of Salem witches and that on her 16th birthday her magical powers will kick in and she will become a full-fledged witch. At first Louise uses her powers to get back at mean teachers, even meaner cheerleaders, and her meanest-little-brother-ever, transform herself into the most popular girl in school, and make her crush fall madly in love with her, but our teen witch realizes that popularity doesn’t really make her happy, and so she gives up her powers, realizing that self-confidence is the greatest magical power of all or whatever. Basically all this transpires as a MUSICAL.

If you had Disney Channel as a kid, you probably watched this every single time it came on, like I did. If you didn’t, you’re in luck because it’s not Netflix Instant right now, and here’s why you need to catch up ASAP.

1.) The music

I know most people are going to say the best musical ever written was something by Stephen Sondheim or Rodgers and Hammerstein but us Teen Witch fans know the truth, it’s all about Larry Weir (who composed all the songs in TW). With a score that includes such amazeballs songs as “Never Gonna Be,” “I Like Boys,” “Popular Girl,” “Finest Hour,” how do you NOT get the gold medal for Best Musical Ever? Also, you find me a rap that can top “Top That” and I will eat my hat, sir!

2.) The clothes

This movie makes me want to bedazzle my jean everything. It also reminds me that I need to put about 1,200 more tutus into my regular rotation.

3.) The dialogue

“The leads are Brad and… Kiki, Duncan will play the King, and Louise will be the assistant costume mistress!” “I took the liberty of ironing your homework.” “Look at how funky he is!” Shakespeare is rolling in his grave somewhere, cursing himself for not writing lines as increds as these.

4.) The high school cliches that hurt so good

The dorky girl that becomes popular but ends up not liking it, the hot jock that falls in love with that girl when she becomes popular, but even MORE in love with her when she stops being popular, the mean girls who get their comeuppance, the dorky bestie who gets left behind in our main dorky girl’s popularity dust, the annoying little brother who may or may not be a sociopath, and a  happy ending that coincides with a high school dance. This is just a PASTICHE of high school movie clichés, and the combination is solid gold.

5.) You can watch this movie a zillion times and never get bored

By “a zillion” I obviously mean “20 or 30 times” but for serious, this movie holds up. And it’s even better when you watch with friends and talk through the entire thing. A Teen Witch viewing is like, the best bonding activity you can do with besties.

So get thee to Netflix and have the best time rocking out to the magic and the mystery that is Teen Witch.

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