Jill Layton
May 28, 2014 2:45 pm

In case you haven’t heard, Sugar Free Gummy Bears are delicious and terribly destructive. According to GB fans (I’m assuming that’s what they call themselves) who ordered their Gummy Bears from Amazon, the deliciousness is absolutely not worth the aftermath. The candy contains the sugar substitute, Lycasin, which is most likely the culprit for the un(gummy)bearable gastrointestinal explosions. The victims took to Amazon to write about their experiences, and their reviews are quite possibly the best worst reviews ever to be written about anything. Ever.

Here are some highlights:

“Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell… the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.”

The same fantastically descriptive reviewer continued:

“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste.”

A satisfied customer wrote:

“Best tasting colon cleanse food ever! I pooped enough for ten people, and now I know what chocolate rain really is! Woot!”

This person was also looking on the positive side:

“Pretty sure I crapped out a kidney, or my spleen… I definitely heard the distinctive “ching” of that penny I swallowed back in ’82… and I can now fit back into the jeans I wore in high school… so not all bad, I suppose.”

And from a less satisfied customer:

“Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seattle. Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet… My advice…. don’t use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me — 7 years ago.”

And another offers some helpful advice:

“These mother friskers are fabulous… like having a package of skittles pee on your tastebuds… Eat two at a time. Three if you’re brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.”

One person was moved enough to write a poem:

“It is by Haribo alone I set my bowels in motion. It is by the bear of the gummy that the stomach acquires cramps, the toilet acquires stains, the screaming becomes a warning. It is by Haribo alone I set my bowels in motion.”

To be fair, the Amazon description warns consumers about ingesting the destroyer Satan Gummy Bears: “This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess.” But that’s just setting everyone up for failure, because the only way to eat Gummy Bears is in excess.

Featured image via Amazon