I’m told to “be patient” at least once daily. “Be patient” is my mantra, my spiritual “om” and annual New Year’s resolution that I try to follow every single day, but I end up failing because guess what? I’m an impatient person. I like instant gratification. I like things to happen right away. I like results. When Polaroid cameras became extinct, a part of my soul crumbled. Waiting is just not something I’m good at, and it can kind of be a problem sometimes, since most things in life happen to take time. The world is not a friendly place for us impatient people. Everyday tasks that seem simple, easy, or quick can often take what is “forever” in our word bank, and it’s awful. Here are just some of our very worst nightmares:
1. Waiting at the doctor’s office
You made an appointment weeks ago. You did everything right. Now, you’re sitting in an uncomfortable chair, reading the only available magazine (last year’s medical journal), PRAYING that the nurse will call your name before you have to read a ten-page study on skin conditions or resort to staring blankly at the stale paintings on the wall.
2. Calling your Internet service provider
Calling COX or Time Warner or whoever, is not just a five-minute process. One does not simply call and say, “Hey what’s up, my Internet isn’t working; can you help me? Oh, you can? Oh all I have to do is unplug and replug a few things? Oh great, thanks, bye.” Calling the Internet gods means waiting on the phone for at least twenty minutes while torturous elevator music plays, tauntingly.
3. Going to the mall with your friends when you have no plans on buying anything
Waiting around while other people try on heaps of clothing is so boring, especially if you’re broke and have no reason to be around things that cost money.
4. Waiting for the water to boil when you’re making pasta
Why hasn’t science figured out a way to boil water within seconds? What are we, cave people?
5. Sitting around at the movie theater until the movie starts
Well, it was OUR fault for arriving early, but I guess the terrible price we pay for scoring good seats must be sitting through mind-numbing car commercials and listening to other early patrons crunch really loudly on their popcorn.
6. Going to concerts—all of them
I love when the concert ticket says “show begins at 8pm,” and I’m like “LOL MORE LIKE 11pm IF WE’RE LUCKY.” I’ve seen Spinal Tap. I know what happens backstage, but come ON. We’re just standing around, there are like two-hundred or more people crammed in a tiny venue, everyone is sweaty and excited, and the band is just drinking beer and eating grapes backstage until they feel like performing. And then the encore? What about an encore translates to making the audience chant, “Encore! Encore!” for 20 minutes? Must we beg you? Just play the music. I beg of you.
7. Eating out at busy restaurants
Going to a popular restaurant on a Friday or Saturday when you’re super hungry is not a good idea if you’re an impatient person. Sometimes it takes well over fifteen minutes to just get water, let alone that basket of crunchy bread to covet and savor because who even knows when you’ll FINALLY get dinner. Watching the servers bring other tables their steaming plates of food is like your own personal Hunger Games.
8. Texting people who suck at texting
You know those people. Your too-cool-for-responding-promptly crush. Your friend who finally remembers someone texted her like two weeks later. Your dad who just figured out texting. Sometimes you have to stop yourself from texting them “??????” because that would, uh, be kind of intense. So you go with a morbid skull emoji instead.
9. The terrible politics of emailing
There are two types of people in this world. People who answer emails right away, and people who will not email you back unless it is a total emergency or necessity. The former group frustrates impatient people to no end, because not getting an answer to a question is unbearable, and emailing several times makes us look psycho.
10. Waiting for your book to arrive from Amazon
I love getting an email that says my book has shipped and then actually getting it like three weeks later. Cool, Amazon.
11. Ordering clothes online
I love ordering clothes online, because leaving my apartment for most reasons is just unacceptable. However, convenience comes with a price. You have to actually wait for your clothes to arrive, and this may take a couple of weeks.
12. Waiting for the release of a book or movie in which your heart and soul is invested
We’re all a bit miffed with George R.R. Martin right now for taking his sweet time with the Game of Thrones series, but I remember back when J.K. Rowling was pumping out Harry Potter books every year, and the second after I finished a book would be the worst because it meant waiting a year for the next installment.
13. The lines to get parking passes, keys, and IDs at school
Just. . .no.
14. Receiving your monthly sample box late
Whether you get Birchbox, or Naturebox, or whatever, it SUCKS when your monthly “surprise” is not on time. At this point, I have been conditioned to expect a cute little bundle of things I don’t actually need in the mail, and when I don’t get it, I feel sad. And empty. As though someone forgot about me. And it’s devastating.
15. Waiting almost an entire year for your favorite show to come back
I’m talking about you, Game of Thrones.
16. Standing in a coffee shop line at 8am
Lady who ordered ten drinks for the entire office, I hate you so much right now.
17. Any holiday or birthday
Surprises give me anxiety. I cannot deal with them. Sometimes I stay up all night wondering what is in store for me, and it’s not a happy or excited kind of wonder. Waiting for a surprise is just too much.
18. Flight delays or cancellations
Great. Now you are stuck in an airport for hours with overpriced Burger King and limited WiFi. What did you do to piss off the gods now?
19. When your professor says she needs another week to grade your essay
20. The DMV
Not only do you always have to wait in line at the DMV, even if it’s just to get a signature, but the atmosphere is just so bleak. Like, truly depressing. Everyone around you hates life, and it shows.
Some may use traffic as a time to listen to their audio book, or collect their thoughts, but I use it as a time to feel sorry for myself. When you’re stuck in 1 to 4 hours of traffic on your way home from work, it really makes you rethink life in general. Like, maybe you should just move to Montana. Or a desolate mountain range where the only creatures in sight are a couple of alpacas. Traffic that is bad enough and frequent enough can and will lead to an existential crisis (she types as she plans her move to LA proper).
22. Getting your friend/partner the PERFECT gift and wanting to tell them what it is because it’s so perfect
It’s just too good to keep to yourself!
23. Trying to meditate
HAHA yeah, no, not happening, EVER. Meditation is good for your soul and your well-being, and your chakras, and I get that. But it’s also boring and I can’t help but sit there wondering when I can just cross “meditate” off my to-do list. I just wanna keep moving, guys.