Tyler Vendetti
April 07, 2013 6:00 am

Dear diary,

First of all, I apologize for not writing in awhile. I’ve been on tour promoting my new song “I Knew You Were Trouble” and it’s a huge hit! Although, I ended up not telling people the real story behind the song. I just feel like no one would believe me if I told them I met a guy named “Trouble” at a party. That line about lying on the cold hard ground? Trouble and I spent like 5 hours making snow angels. But it’s not like I can tell anyone that because everyone would think I was lying. I mean, who in their right mind would think that a guy literally named Trouble would do something so sweet? It’s too contradictory. So instead I told the press it was about a guy and then slipped in some subtle references to John because like, why not? He already hates me enough as it is. I’d rather protect Trouble’s identity anyway. Oh, and did I mention he has a twin brother? His name is Danger. Yeah. I know.

Other than that, though, things haven’t really been going well. Remember that boy Harry? Harry Styles? The one who like, tattoos himself with things that he finds in his closet? (I jokingly said he should tattoo a picture of him with a clothes hanger and he actually did it.) Well, a few weeks ago, we were on a date at a tropical resort and I politely told him that he should stop walking around the island naked because some of the locals were starting to feel uncomfortable. He ended up freaking out and throwing all of his clothes out the window. At that point, I was just so confused that I started crying (I was PMSing so I have an excuse) and then he started calling me irrational, so I left. I know we probably should have talked it out but you should have seen him… he was screaming so loud, his hair actually flattened out like some sort of black magic. I don’t know.

A few weeks later, while I was performing at the Grammys, I tried to reconnect with him on stage but everything went totally wrong. Before we broke up, he would always talk about how much he loves Australia and the Australian accent. So while I was singing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, I tried to speak in an Australian accent at one point but I was nervous and it ended up sounding like a British accent!!  So now everyone thinks I was making fun of him when really, I was just trying to reach out to him and make our relationship end amicably.

After that debacle, I got to thinking about how things ended with my previous exes. There was Taylor Lautner, who I dumped because, well, the name thing. What if we got married? We would be Mrs. Taylor Lautner and Mr. Taylor Lautner. Plus, I’ve always wanted to name my future child Lautner so it would end up being Lautner Lautner and I wouldn’t want to predispose my child for bullying, so it just wouldn’t work.

Then there was Conor. I feel really bad about saying this but I really only dated him because I wanted to meet the Queen. In my mind, being a descendant of a president is basically tantamount to royalty, so I thought I’d have a better chance if I dated him for awhile. When I found out he had no ties to the Queen, I was going to break it off but by that point, I had become so emotionally invested in his mini-fro that I couldn’t bring myself to do it so I ended up dating him for the rest of the summer.

Long story short, my dating history is pretty unusual. It makes me sad sometimes, though, to think about my failed romances. I just want a guy that will love me for who I am and will not get annoyed when I flip my hair in his face multiple times a day. Like, I don’t understand why these guys get so angry. In the contract they signed when they agreed to date me, it clearly stated: “Applicants who apply for the position of ‘Taylor’s boyfriend’ will be subject to hair whippage and must plan accordingly.” It may have been in the fine print, but it was there. They have no excuse.

And while we’re on the topic of things people make fun of me for, let me just state for the record that the “shocked face” that I make at concerts has nothing to do with the amount of people that show up. I’m not really that astounded that my sold-out concert was filled with people. The truth is, I just have trouble seeing at night so I have to keep my eyes opened really wide just to be able to see the stage. It’s pretty embarrassing, actually.

Oh! My manager is calling me to his office now so I have to go. We just launched a new marketing strategy that involves inserting my pet goat, Bull, into the video for “I Knew You Were Trouble” and making it viral on YouTube. It has been pretty successful so far and Bull is really enjoying the publicity. It definitely boosts his self-esteem.

‘Til next time, diary!

– T-Swizzle

Image via ScrapeTV.com

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