jessica tholmer
Updated Feb 14, 2013 @ 1:16 am

You guys.

I love Valentine’s Day, and guess what? I’m single, and I’ve always been single. That’s right. That means I love Valentine’s Day JUST BECAUSE I LOVE LOVE. Because with so many fictional couples out there to obsess over, why in the world would you need a real relationship?

I know I need a therapist, guys, but let’s just put that off until March.

Come along. Let’s fall in love! Why don’t we fall in love?

The Best Fictional Couples Evah-Evah
(not ranked, cause let’s be real, that’d be impossible)

1. Harry Burns and Sally Albright, When Harry Met Sally
I love nothing more than a bickering, back-and-forth, will they/won’t they? relationship, and these two invented it. Thank you, thank you, thank you Nora Ephron for scripting the funniest, most realistic couple ever. They give me hope, every single day.

Harry, you’re going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.”

2. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy
Though they were married in real life, which would also constitute them as Best Real-Life Couple, their dynamic on the actual television show was potentially better (at least healthier) than their dynamic in real life. Lucy is insane, and Ricky handles her crazy so well. Lucy mocks Ricky’s accent (so rude!), and Ricky constantly puts Lucy’s “talent” down, but at the end of the day, these two are crazy in love.

Ricky: This whole thing is my fault. Something I said that started this whole mess.
Lucy: What’s that?
Ricky: “I do.”

3. Josh Lyman and Donna Moss, The West Wing
Josh and Donna are really only a “couple” in the last like five seconds of The West Wing, but good grief if they are not the cutest-almost-couple of all of television history. I mean, that is a huge claim, but I could probably defend it. Remember when Josh buys Donna that book with the cute inscription? Remember Donna’s reaction when Josh gets shot? Remember the snowballs? Remember all of the jealousy masked as not jealousy?! Remember how Josh rushes to Donna’s side when she gets hurt in Gaza? Ooh, ooh, ooh! REMEMBER NOT STOPPING FOR RED LIGHTS, MY FAVORITE THING EVER?

Donna: Does this make you feel superior? Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.
Josh: I’m…I’m just saying, if you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for a beer.
Donna: If you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for red lights.

4. Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater, Titanic
You know some people are naysayers when it comes to those love at first sight relationships, but you know what is really great at about love at first sight?

That first sight. That is what is so great about it. You always, always remember how you felt the first time you saw that person. I fell in love with my ex-boyfriend the very first time I saw him. Our relationship was pretty much downhill from there, but I can tell you, if one of us had died two days after we met…wait, this is getting creepy.

The point is, Jack and Rose have the best love story ever because of their “you jump, I jump” motif. Most romantic love theme ever.

Jack: Rose! You’re so stupid. Why did you do that, huh? You’re so stupid, Rose. Why did you do that? Why?
Rose: You jump, I jump, right?

Also, Jack never tells Rose that he loves her, ever. Because sometimes you just don’t have to say it.

5. Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, Harry Potter, duh
Though Ron is insanely thick and it takes him seven books and eight movies to finally make a move on Hermione, I guess I can give him kind of a break because they were like 11 years old at one point, but the point is, he always loved her, except for when he hated her at first, but sometimes you hate people that you end up loving. I like when Ron dates Lavender, but calls Hermione’s name when he gets hurt. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: sometimes girlfriends are just placebos.

“”I love you, Hermione,’ said Ron, sinking back in his chair, rubbing his eyes wearily. Hermione turned faintly pink, but merely said, ‘Don’t let Lavender hear you saying that.'”

6. Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Chandler, Friends
I hate to lump them together, you guys, but jeez, who in the world can stick to only ten couples? I’m cheating here, gimme a break. And anyway, they were all friends before they coupled off. Though I am partial to Ross and Rachel because, well, I remind myself of Rachel, and Ross is my favorite character, and I like things that take a really long time to pay off.

…I also love to death Monica and Chandler because, well:

“So they can say that you’re high-maintenance but it’s okay because I like maintaining you.”

7. Marge and Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Sure, they are cartoon characters, and sure, Homer can kinda be the worst, but can you really name another woman who puts up with–willingly–and loves–thoroughly–a man as much as Marge loves her sweet Homie? Do they make love like this IRL?

“I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet could possibly ever need you. I need you to take care of me, to put up with me, and most of all, I need you to love me. Cause I love you.

8. Noah Calhoun and Allie Hamilton, The Notebook
I am not usually a huge supporter of teenagers falling in love (don’t see Titanic above, they were like seventeen or something), but the way these two bicker, and wait for each other, and the way she leaves James Marsden, who is super hot, the way that he tells her their love story every single day…let’s just be honest with ourselves, you guys. Everyone would kill for this kind of love.

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

9. Jack Twist and Ennis del Mar, Brokeback Mountain
You know, sometimes couples cannot be together for unbelievable reasons like society and familial values and comfort zones. Less and less all the time, thank god, but back in Wyoming in the 1960s when two cowboys fell in love while herding sheep, there was not much either of them could do about it. Brokeback Mountain, written by Annie Proulx, is, and always will be, one of the hardest, saddest, most beautiful love stories ever told.

“You know it could be like this, just like this, always.”

10. Vada Sultenfuss and Thomas J. Sennett, My Girl
Because nothing is cuter than a first kiss. Because nothing is sweeter than figuring out life, love, and relationships with your best friend. Because nothing is more reassuring than the way Thomas J. puts up with Vada’s hypochondria, abuse, and paranoia. The way Thomas J. loves Vada, the unabashed, selfless, innocent way in which he loves her, is something that cannot be replicated among adults. Sigh.

Note that I am totally ignoring the horrendous outcome of Thomas J.’s life, but it is my article and I can NOT CRY IF I DON’T WANT TO.

Thomas J.: Would you think of me?
Vada: For what?
Thomas J.: Well, if you don’t get to marry Mr. Bixler.
Vada: I guess.

Um, and forgive me for this, but I am still like totally reeling from 11. Nick Miller and Jessica Day, and I think, I mean one day, I think they could really be on this list, but I hope for not a really long time because we are only in Season 2 of New Girl and I like to drag stuff out. But, but, but! The arguing is just love. Arguing is alwayslove. (Also, when he calls her “Jessica,” I just like cannot even handle it.)

“I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.”

Lucy and Ricky image via , Jack and Ennis image via , Vada and Thomas J. image via . All other images via my computer, because I have obsessively looked at fictional couples for years.