Becca Rose
July 06, 2013 10:00 am

Have you seen Scandal? If not, I’m really sorry for your loss, because you’ve been walking around missing only the most intense television show on air.

Okay, so maybe it’s not as intense as, like, shows where wolves eat people, but metaphorically, that is exactly what happens on Scandal. Olivia Pope and Associates save the victims from the wolves every single time (okay, except for Amanda Tanner, but that was Cyrus’ fault). When Olivia Pope attacks a situation, she considers it “handled.” This can result in much rejoicing and from senators framed for murder and salvation from drone strikes to the Whitehouse. You get the general idea. But in real life, what would you ask Olivia Pope to handle for you? If you had one chance to get an avenging fairy godmother in all white with an alarming knowledge of all the ways there are to get blood out of a pantsuit, would you take it?

Presenting, in no particular order of seriousness, situations we wish Olivia Pope could HANDLE:

Snowden vs. the NSA. I’m not sure whose side OPA (Olivia Pope & Associates) would be on in this situation. On one hand, they’re pro-US safety. On the other, they do not like government-endorsed spying on citizens. Recall how the president made Captain Jake Ballard spy on Olivia, in her house, with video cameras. Or wait, was that an order from her dad, the scary CIA Head Bitch in Charge? Regardless, I almost feel like OPA would take Snowden on as a client in this one. With their help, he’d be sittin’ pretty in a chalet in the Swiss alps.

Todd Akin & “Legitimate Rape:” Oh yes. If Olivia Pope had a say in it, I’m pretty sure Mr. Assh**e “Well, if it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down” Akin would not only have no possible future in politics, but also? She’d probably expose his secret shames and he’d get kicked out of his quaint lil’ Baptist church. Alternatively, she would put him through a seminar on first, the female body, and second, rape statistics and experiences, until he was weeping like a little baby. Olivia Pope conducting sensitivity training, possibly with a little assistance from Huck? That’d be a truly legitimate learning experience.

Nicholas Cage’s failing film career. Look, we all treasure Nic Cage’s performance in National Treasure. Who doesn’t love the dude who stole the Declaration of Independence in order to save it? Also, his cameo appearance on SNL’s “Get in the Cage!” segment official made him an American hero. But what gives with his film career? Wasn’t he once a sort-of-acclaimed actor? Now his next project coming down the pipe is Left Behind, a movie adaptation of the hideously popular fear-mongering evangelical Christian books that offer up the most ridiculous interpretation of the book of Revelation since my preschool Sunday School class in which the told the story on a felt board and it ended with “See, God lets us all get killed in the end times in order to save us.” Nic Cage. Please. You are moderately better than this. We think. Let Olivia Pope help you out. While she’s at it, maybe she can go back in time and stop you from naming your kid Kal-El.

That one guy who came to a party at your house and began telling you his ideal in a woman’s breast size, shape and placement. I kind of just picture Olivia telling Huck to handle it and Huck dragging him by the ear to inform him of proper respect and basic manners. I am not saying this is the revenge fantasy I have in my head about the boy who may have actually done this to me in real life. But I am not saying it isn’t.

Wendy Davis vs. the Texas GOP. I can just picture it: Olivia Pope, probably accompanied by Abby or Harrison, descending from a private plane into the Texas heat. She joins Senator Davis’ campaign. They defeat the legislation. Then she ushers Wendy Davis into the governor’s mansion. On her swearing-in, Olivia leans down and whisper’s in Wendy’s ear, “Next stop? White house.” End montage.

Domestic abuse. Scandal’s already discussed this issue in great detail, with Abby’s past being brought up and the tale of how Olivia saved her from her husband who beat her. Wouldn’t life be something if we could get Olivia Pope on a blazing trail against perpetrators of domestic abuse? It’s a nationwide issue, and it happens in about twenty-five percent of relationships. I bet OPA could put a serious dent in that percentage if they put their brilliant big minds to it.

 Featured image via ABC

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