The Longest Ride, the latest Nicholas Sparks past-future-present-love-through-letters-and-tears-and-feels adaptation came out a few weeks ago and, if we can say one thing about it, it is that Scott Eastwood is a sexy god among men, actually in the running for the sexiest, Sparksian man the world has ever known.
If we can say another thing about The Longest Ride, it is this: Man, this movie has a lot of actually-unsexy sexy things. What are actually-unsexy sexy things? Well, they’re that series of clichés the entertainment world has been serving up as ULTRA SEXY OMG ever since the entertainment world existed. They’re those things we’ve just all accepted as perfectly sultry in movies or TV but that are basically never ever sensual IRL. Not only are these things not sexual, they’re often dangerous, uncomfortable, unrealistic, etc.
The Longest Ride contains at least two of our unsexy-sexy faves: horseback riding and sexy shower time. But there are more out there in the world, oh yes, there are more!
Allow us to enumerate.
1. Horseback riding
Nothing says outdoorsy, up-for-anything raw sexiness quite like a ride atop a giant horse, at least according to movies. And we get it, a horse ride can be bouncy and all that fresh air makes one’s cheeks glow. However, in real life, horseback riding is not about bouncing breasts and flowing hair; it’s either awkward and terrifying (novice) or fierce and competitive (equestrian) and nothing about it—the care for the horse’s health, the manure, the pain—suggests “let’s do it right after this.”
2. Car washes
Let’s pose a serious question: the last time you washed a car, did it look like this?
Forgive us for being presumptuous and guessing not, it’s just that, though countless movies and videos would tell us otherwise, this is not how anyone who is not trying to affect a sexy-car-wash pose would actually wash a car. (In all seriousness, if this is how you wash cars and we are ignorant of the secret world of underground sexy car washes, NO JUDGMENT, and actually brava!)
3. Copious lip gloss
Maybe this is just us, but putting on a lot of lip gloss seems to lead to many things and those things are not sex. They’re more like: getting hair stuck in it, tasting it, getting it all over your teeth, forever-marring glassware with and receiving dirty looks from bartenders because of it.
That said, even we gaze at Beyoncé’s lip-gloss game and feel tricked for a minute that putting on a lot of lip gloss might actually be the sexiest thing in the world. Reality though? It’s like having a layer of extra-gooey, tinted fly paper across your mouth and it’s not that fun.
4. Changing into something more comfortable
“Oh, you know, I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable that is not my misshapen sweatpants nor my tent-y caftan. Just this little ol’ strappy lingerie thing that cuts off my airflow and sticks in my butt and is so much more comfortable than that outfit of normal clothes I was wearing during our date.”
5. Being in the pool/getting out of the pool
Perhaps you look like this getting into or out of a pool, like someone just came by and freshly combed your pool head and cleansed your pool face and bejeweled your pool neck. If so, you should write a book about how to perform magic, because you are a magical-beautiful fairy in a pool and we need to learn all your secrets.
6. Eating hamburgers*
*but first she slipped into something ‘more comfortable.
Moving past the fact that smoking is basically the worst thing you can do to your body—smoking still SMELLS. It makes you have smelly breath and a dry smelly mouth and it makes your fingers yellow and it lingers for hours and makes even the smoker’s sweat reek an extra little bit. Just not really that sexy.
Oh you know, nothing really says DTF like some good gusts of air blowing your sexiness around. Cue strands of hair getting stuck on your glossy lips.
9. Sexy shower time
Since there are approximately 357,000 love-in-the-shower scenes, this is probably the most sexy-unsexy thing in movies and TV of all time. Real question: How do they make it look so easy? How come no one is ever cold/slipping/losing their balance/getting soap and/or water in their eyes in a way that makes them feel sightless and panicked? How. Do. They. Know. How. To. Have. Sex. In. The. Shower.
Will we ever know?
Special mentions: Eating popsicles, pushing everything off a table in a mad-sexy rush, and ladies hugging teddy bears though this is more a print phenomenon.