Sammy Nickalls
May 23, 2016 4:00 am
NBC Universal

It’s been over a decade since Dr. Greg House and the team first graced our TV screens for the premiere of House. All throughout the mid-to-late ‘oos, we tuned in every week to watch teachers, writers and politicians going about their normal lives, only to collapse and be treated by the ultra-sarcastic-yet-brilliant House.

We couldn’t help but diagnose ourselves with “House brain,” the show-induced condition that makes us think we had bizarre illnesses as a result of watching the show. Here are just a handful of the rare medical conditions we thought we contracted because of Cameron, Chase, Foreman, and House’s antics.

Coccidioides immitis

Lines in the Sand,” Season 3

NBC Universal

OK, this one is technically a fungal spore, but it’s still terrifying. Ali, played by Leighton Meester (!!!), is a 17-year-old girl who is so infatuated with House that she literally stalks him. But when she starts crying after House tells her they can’t be together, he notices that she is crying milky tears. . . which makes him realize that she had inhaled coccidioides immitis (also called Valley fever) during an earthquake, which affected her judgment.

Naturally, we couldn’t help but look back on past exes and wonder if we inhaled some of that stuff. . .

Cerebral malaria

Failure to Communicate,” Season 2

NBC Universal

It would be terrifying to be unable to communicate or write — but even more terrifying to think you’re saying the right words when you’re actually saying nonsense. In this episode, an award-winning journalist falls, then is only able to say words that are certainly English, but make no sense in context.

Sure, it was a result of cerebral malaria, which he contracted undergoing brain surgery out of the country, but STILL. It would explain those moments when trying to communicate something to our partner or boss is like talking to a brick wall. A scary conclusion to jump to, yeah, but this is what House does to us.

Bubonic plague

Sleeping Dogs Lie,” Season 2

NBC Universal

This episode began with something we can all relate to: being unable to sleep. Except in this patient’s case, she had life-threatening insomnia that caused her to take an entire bottle of prescription sleeping pills (and she STILL COULDN’T SLEEP). But it’s still enough to make House fans wonder as they lay wide awake in their beds. . . is it bubonic plague?!

Getting a COCKROACH IN YOUR EAR

One Day, One Room” Season 3

NBC Universal

Yep, remember the one where that guy starts running around the clinic screaming and holding his ear, and after he’s sedated, House tells his team that there’s a cockroach that got in there and STARTED BITING HIM? Yep, we’ll take the bubonic plague over that, thanks.

Doege-Potter syndrome

The Social Contract,” Season 5

NBC Universal

We’ve all had those foot-in-mouth times when we’ve accidentally blatantly insulted someone, but House fans can’t help but think back to that episode where the book publisher suddenly starts insulting everyone in the room before getting a nosebleed and collapsing. Accidentally insulted your boss? WATCH OUT, YOU MIGHT DIE. It turned out to be Doege-Potter syndrome, a type of tumor associated with hypoglycemia.

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