Claire Davidson
March 03, 2015 8:28 am

In case you’re not up on your Real Housewives knowledge, the trailer for the new season of Real Housewives of New York was just released today. The latest season, premiering April 7, promises the return of Bethenny Frankel, the debut of a new castmember (but, of course) and lots of Pino Grigio (I mean, obvs).

Oh, Real Housewives. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You’re fun. You’re shameless. You don’t ask questions. You allow me to come home after a long day of work and exchange my worries and cares for vignettes of leisurely lunches and themed parties where dogs are dressed up in suit-jackets. It would be careless of me not to love you, or at least thank you, for the humor and general merriment you’ve brought me over the years.

I acknowledge that my love for the Real Housewives franchise is not shared by all, but no matter what you think of the series, it’s something to behold in terms of sheer addictiveness. Each week when I hear that diabolical theme song, I’m filled with anticipation over what wacky antics my favorite diamond-laden, rosé-sipping ladies will get into next. From New Jersey to Beverly Hills, and from New York to Atlanta and, of course, the OC, it would be impossible to choose a city or season I love most. Luckily, I don’t have to.

Why? Every season of this show follows the same fun and freaky pattern, despite taking place in different geographic locations. In any given season, the ladies must do the following. . .

Argue in a limousine

Limousines are the perfect backdrop for the Housewives’ quickly-escalating arguments: everyone’s trapped in an enclosed space, there’s usually champagne, and someone’s always just leaked that a wild rumor has been circulating right as everyone’s supposed to convene at the same cocktail party. The stories a limo driver could tell! I’m sure there’s a book deal in there, somewhere.

Visit a spa

If there’s one thing we learn from reality TV, it’s that being on reality TV is stressful and requires frequent trips to a spa. This is supposed to cleanse the Real Housewives of their drama, but conveniently, the spa technicians always seem to break the party up into the two groups who are bickering with each other the most that day. This allows the camera to pan to each camp discussing the other while getting full-body mud wraps and sipping mimosas. A personal favorite spa scene was when the ladies of New Jersey visited a spa only to find out that their facials were essentially made of bird poop. Very, very expensive bird poop.

Participate in strange and unusual group activities

In every season, there’s always at least one episode where the ladies participate in an activity that seems a little “out of the box” for people who spend most of their time looking like they’re ready for a black-tie affair. Said activities usually include rock climbing, grape stomping, or “cirque” classes as seen on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This particular cirque class involved acrobatics as well as a jumping portion where half the women jumped over the other half, who were rolling on the floor. We, the viewers, are left to deduce that these bizarre physical activities represent female bonding.

Go on a lavish vacation

There’s no denying it: the Real Housewives have a lot of stamps on their passports. The women get to go on extended vacations to some of the world’s most beautiful places. Unfortunately, the drama tends to follow them wherever they go, whether it’s on a tropical island or an African safari. Who can forget Kelly Bensimon calling her 2010 vacation with the Real Housewives of New York a trip to “scary island” or the brunch drama for the Real Housewives of Atlanta when Marlo was the only woman not given a mirror? (Gasp!)

See a psychic

Sometimes, when life gets confusing, the Housewives surrender their fates to a higher power with a trip to the psychic. Other times, those special connections are forced upon them at dinner parties. Who can forget the infamous “off the clock” psychic scene in Beverly Hills, complete with martinis and an e-cig, that started the Kyle Richards vs. Camille Grammar feud two seasons ago? I certainly can’t—nor can I stop searching the many GIFs that were created out of those moments. No matter which psychic the ladies see, she usually has menacing news about philandering husbands and, shocker, that doesn’t leave anyone with a warm fuzzy feeling.

Drop a single

This is simply unavoidable. If you’re a cast member on the Real Housewives, you have a 1 in 6 chance of releasing a song—one song. From Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak’s “Don’t Be Tardy For the Party” to New York’s own Countess De Lessepps and “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” there really is no limit to the genre of music these women can make, except it’s usually about parties or money or, well, class. Never mind that Atlanta’s own Kandi Burruss is actually a Grammy award-winning singer-songwriter; everyone on almost every season feels like they, too, should dip their toe in the music industry.

Go to lunch with their new arch nemesis

Here’s a typical Real Housewives timeline of an argument: two women will get into a fight about a rumor or a perceived slight at their latest charity event. Next, a third women becomes involved who is on peaceful terms with both women and wants to convince the two to hash things out and go to lunch. The lunch takes place at a very fancy restaurant, at about 11 o’clock in the morning, and we typically see two large glasses of white wine and nothing else. Things get extra exciting if one of the women is late, because then this opens up a new offense to bring into the mix. The ladies attempt to squash the beef but ultimately, both parties leave just as angry—if not angrier—than before. This actually makes sense, considering that the argument usually took place about 24 hours before.

Include one of the husbands in the drama

The Real Housewives rarely pull their men into the drama, but when they do, it gets ugly. Most of the time the husbands hang around in the background, but in certain situations, they throw themselves into the mix to defend their wives. Tensions ran high for multiple seasons when Teresa and Joe Guidice fought with her brother, Joe Gorga, and his wife Melissa. Often, when Teresa and Melissa were on speaking terms, their husbands weren’t. Cut to scenes of the two couples discussing their suspicions of one another and we’ve added a Real Househusbands dimension to an already tangled web of rumors.

Cancel on an event or show up uninvited

Most episodes of the Real Housewives are centered around an event: Lisa Vanderpump receiving an award in Palm Springs; Ramona Singer hosting a party to debut her signature Pinot Grigio; Cynthia Bailey opening up her modeling boutique, etc. The juiciest moments are when it’s revealed that a fellow housewife is unable to attend an event or even better: she’s about to show up uninvited. Whatever the event, it never goes off without a hitch. Otherwise, we probably wouldn’t watch.

Here’s to a new season in New York. We already know you won’t let us down, ladies.

Images via here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

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