As “No Shave November” comes to an end and hoards of men, women, and Wookiees go under the knife (err, razor), we must stop and appreciate the primary development of a month without shaving: mustaches. Most of us know the alternate spelling, moustache, or the slang term “stache” but many of the more creative slang terms for mustache have gone unnoticed by the general public. For example:
What I’m assuming is a play on mustaches looking like Velcro, fellowcro makes me think of wealthy business-owners gathering around a fancy dining room table, smoking cigars and bonding over the extravagance of each others’ mustaches. Or, for the more creative minds, a group of life-sized mustaches holding glasses of champagne and adjusting their monocles as they discuss important philosophical issues in British accents with their fellow mustache friends. Whatever tickles your fancy (mustache).
2) Lip Foliage
If you didn’t laugh at loud at this definition than you are infinitely more mature than I was when I first read it. Lip foliage rightfully suggests that mustaches are both natural entities but also in need of maintenance. You wouldn’t let a tree grow roots in your flower patch. You wouldn’t let the bushes go untrimmed. Why would you let your mustache consume your face? Take control of your lip foliage before it’s too late.
3) Grass Grin
If my mini-infomercial didn’t convince you that mustaches have a reputation for being wild, then the fact that there are two comparisons to nature on this list should mean something. If you can get past the mental image of a person with grass instead of teeth, this term can be kind of fun. However, I would advise against Googling this term, because the Internet seems to have a skewed view about what this means, considering that every time I typed this in, I got this picture:
4) Face Lace
Not to be confused with the , “face lace” refers to a mustache that is so thin, it resembles a layer of lace on a person’s lip. Anyone who goes too long without plucking those pesky lip hairs may develop this stage of mustachery.
5) Bristle Batons
Just because I appreciate alliteration, bristle baton refers to how mustaches, when examined closer, are just little bristly batons lined up and layed on a person’s upper lip. You can even twirl them if they get long enough, so I can see the comparison.
There are many different ways to interpret this term. Bro-merang can describe a mustache that draws in bros, like a bug to a flame or a boomerang that comes back to the thrower. Such staches can often be found in national mustache competitions. Bro-merang could also describe a detachable mustache that has a dual-function as a toy in times of boredom, like math lectures or awkward dinner parties. Or could it be a mustache in the shape of a boomerang? This term is multi-faceted.
One of the only terms on this list actually recognized by a dictionary, mustachio refers to an especially luxurious mustache. If the stache is long enough to curl, it constitutes as a mustachio. (The dwarves from The Hobbit provide a good example of this.) Bonus points to anyone who lines their mustachio with pistachios so I can have an excuse to say Pistachio Mustachio.
8) Upper Lipholstery
If “upholstery” is “the padding, covering, etc. of a piece of furniture” then “lipholstery” is the covering of a person’s lip for the purpose of protecting it from the cold, like a lip jacket, or for the purpose of adding pizazz to an otherwise hairless face. That’s not an official definition, just a theory.
9) Misplaced Eyebrow
This is probably my favorite term on the list, mostly because I have never thought to compare a mustache to a rogue eyebrow that got lost on it’s way up to the eye. In fact, if you think about it that way, the term “lazy eyebrow” might work too, referring to an eyebrow that was traveling up the face to get to the eye, got tired, and settled for above the lip. But my imagination’s getting away from me now…
10) Dirt Squirrel
I can’t explain this one. Maybe this type of mustache looks like the tail of a squirrel? I don’t know. But then where does the dirt part come from? All I know is that the guy that played Richard on Friends had a great “dirt squirrel” (apparently) so it’s a real thing that I’m not making up.
And so, I’ve reached the end of my mustache commemoration piece, but that doesn’t mean the mustache love should end. What is your favorite mustache term? Or, who is your favorite mustache-bearing celebrity?