Mary Grace Garis
March 10, 2016 1:13 pm
Warner Brothers

Ever since I was a teen, I’ve had a crazy sort of love for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Watching four unique girls share an unbreakable bond through a garment makes me wish I could share a pair of jeans with my differently shaped ladyfriends, and I hate jeans. Today, though, I choose to focus on the men behind the pants (the men that try to get into the pants…?) because though the sisterhood itself is really the essence of #relationshipgoals, make no mistake, the girls all have romantic subplots along the way.

Now to be clear, I’ve never actually read the Sisterhood novels, so all my references are related to that one perfect film (and it’s kinda phoned-in sequel, Revenge of the Traveling Pants). I mean, there’s enough international guy issues between those two movies that trying to cover five books seems a trifle ambitious anyway. Without further delay, this is everything the Sisterhood taught me about heartbreak, sleeping with a soccer counselor, and complicated cross-continental relations with your Greek boyfriend.

In the toss-up between choosing loyalty to the family you barely know and romance with a cute guy you barely know, the choice is simple.

Lena was always my avatar in my own sisterhood (sans traveling pants) because I’m half Greek, SO LET ME TELL YOU: Greek people are always getting into feuds about bad fish. Like, a Greek person’s social circle is 50% Greek people you’re related to, 25% unrelated Greek people from your village, and 25% people who sold you bad fish, also Greek.

So while it is very sweet that Lena makes an earnest, impassioned plea to see off Kostas, she should’ve been like, “Listen, Papou, it’s been real, but I’m going after the bad fish guy.” He has a vespa, so it’s worth the drama.

Sometimes we hook up with someone without thinking through the reasoning.

Not that “because he’s your hot, illicit, college-aged counselor” isn’t a good reason. The thing is, while Bridget’s adventurousness is what keeps her running away from her own problems, sometimes her problems catch up with her. Losing her virginity on a beach with her counselor was that “too far” point. Maybe she wasn’t entirely ready, or maybe it just made it miss her mom, but clearly the incident made her hit a wall, and left her feeling very alone and depressed.

If possible, we want to think through our decisions (sexual, romantic, and otherwise) instead of barreling through them recklessly in that Vreeland-esque way. However, I’m sure that if you ever find yourself in a similar rut, you also have a Tibby and Carmen to help you feel better.

Find the right time to reconcile your relationship.

Your grandfather’s funeral (when your ex-shows up with a pregnant-but-not-really wife) is probably not the right time. Ugh, maybe Kostas wasn’t worth the drama, after all.

Plan B is your friend.

OMG. YOU GUYS. If Tibby just got the morning after pill after her condom-breaking excursion with Brian she wouldn’t even have a plot in The Traveling Pants Strikes Back. The $40 hit is worth the peace of mind, trust me.

All friends who are not in your sisterhood are trying to backstab you and steal your love interest.

Ok, this isn’t true, but Carmen’s weird actress friend Julia makes a good case with her sketchiness in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: The Last Crusade. Beware of people who try to undermine your confidence (and do things like lie about your crush asking them out) but more than that, don’t let anyone undermine your confidence. The cute British guy who’s legit quoting Romeo and Juliet during rehearsals is totally into you.

If you believe in soulmates, you should settle for nothing less. You also maybe shouldn’t settle for your long distance ex if you’re Rory Freaking Gilmore.

The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants 2: Back In Tha Hood, ends with Lena following her heart and reuniting with Kostas before he leaves to go to the London School of Economics. It’s all moonlit and romantic, but somehow…unsatisfying? Like it was so fun as a Romeo-and-Juliet summer fling thing, but really, this guy for longterm usage? Lena has the face of an angel and she goes to RISD, I just truly can’t decide if Kostas is worth all the drama, someone please help me out here.

And if you ever have any issues with anyone ever, don’t worry. Like a pair of pants, they will travel thousands of miles and help you work it out.

…or maybe Skype would just be a lot simpler, I don’t know.

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