Every week, for the rest of 2016, I’ll be exploring some of the more LOL-worthy moments in Disney animated-film history – specifically, I’ll cover most of the Walt Disney Animation Studios films in order of their release, ending with Moana (out this November). There are a few I won’t cover, since there are 56 total and there are some I haven’t loved as much as the others, or are shorter/not as widely known. But I promise I’ll get all the classics in. Like, no skipping Beauty and the Beast, obviously.
First up: 1937’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This movie is special to me both because it was the first full-length animated Disney film, and because it’s my mom’s favorite. While Snow White herself isn’t my favorite of the Disney Princesses, I fully appreciate the foundation she laid for future Disney Princesses – namely, the kind-heartedness and generous spirit they’re known for.
But as much as I love it, there are things that, looking back, make me ask, “Why!?” Here are the top five, presented to you all in the name of good, clean Disney fun.
Wait: Is Snow White really 14 years old?
As the youngest Disney Princess, Snow would barely be in high school if high school was a thing back in her day, and what is she doing instead of taping Teen Beat posters to her bedroom ceiling in the hopes that they’ll fall onto her face while she sleeps and she can just be like, “Oh ha ha oops, I guess the tape wasn’t strong enough so I suppose I’ll kiss your glossy printed lips, Prince So-and-So!”?
Running away from a huntsman who plans to rip her heart out for his mistress, that’s what. And then, as soon as Snow White’s doomed heart stops racing, she cheerily starts taking to woodland creatures and cleaning up after seven dudes. I also need to know not only how she found time to get her makeup game so strong, but to learn dance skills AND how to sing like that while she was slaving away in the castle. At 14.
Why does the Queen’s magic have such inconvenient gaps?
Let me get this straight: The Queen has powerful-enough magic to conjure up and control a talking mirror, create a potion that will poison an apple without making it look or smell funny at ALL, and transform herself into a grotesque hag with charming influence at will…but she can’t make herself prettier than one teenage girl, survive falling off a cliff, or create curses that are makeout-proof?
All these Disney villainesses need to get together and figure out how to make spells that can withstand some random dude kissing our heroines and taking them home to their castles. I’m looking at you, Maleficent and Ursula, because the latter hadn’t even figured that one out over 60 years later. No excuse. Giving Snow White an acne potion could’ve also made you the fairest in the land, Queen, and probably would have been easier to pass off as natural (again, FOURTEEN), involved less complicated magic, and been a lot less likely to lead to your death. Just throwing that out there. You probably could’ve just left a bunch of Godiva chocolates on her doorstep and called it a day.
How come Doc gets a special-snowflake name?
Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and…Doc. Hm, looks like SOMEONE was Mom and Dad’s favorite dwarf. Or maybe Doc is secretly the dad dwarf even though he doesn’t look any older than the others. Plus, as far as I can tell, he isn’t even a doctor. If he were, I doubt he’d be working in a mine. Maybe this is why Grumpy is always so pissed off. I can’t say I blame him. It’s like that Norm MacDonald joke about how everyone in the Fantastic Four is named after their powers except Mr. Fantastic, who should really be called Mr. Stretch Guy or something. Granted, Doc is the leader, but how did his parents know he would be when he was born? So many questions here.
Related: Why is Dopey the only one without a beard? Did he never learn how to use a razor properly, or is he just that one rare guy who looks a million times better clean-shaven? Is he actually eight years old?
Why is it “dwarfs” instead of “dwarves”?
This is a small thing to many, I know. But this movie title is literally the only time I’ve ever seen the plural of “dwarf” spelled “dwarfs” and not “dwarves,” even though I think both are technically correct. Was Walt Disney trying to make this a thing a la Gretchen Wieners with “Fetch”? Did he preemptively know word nerds like me would have a problem but press it anyway like, “LOL, trust me, this will be funny.”
WELL IT’S NOT, WALT. I have to remember every time that it’s “dwarfs,” but I’m proud I know the right spelling – and of “Dalmatian,” because many people think it’s “Dalmation” and I like to feel special.
Listen, what is with the size of the dwarfs’ house?
Look, I know that the tiny-house phenomenon is a thing and some people like to live simply. But when you have seven dudes not only living in one house but sharing one bedroom, it’s time to explore other avenues – especially when you work in a mine where you literally DIG UP FINE JEWELS ALL DAY.
Once in a while, one of the dwarfs could pocket one of those jewels and at least buy the rest of his brothers bigger beds. There are ZERO cameras in those mines, and the dwarfs are the only ones there! Come on, guys. We know you’re in a Disney movie, but there are only so many morals you can have.