Gina Vaynshteyn
September 30, 2014 6:00 am

Some babies are born with a unique edge of pessimism that slowly manifests itself into a form of expression called “sarcasm.” We learned from an early age, that sometimes it’s most effective to react to things ironically so that we don’t actually have to convey disappointment, happiness, anger, or frustration. But, of course, our best efforts to be blasé sometimes backfire. So go ahead and read this article about all the struggles we sarcastic ladies and gents face. Because it’s going to be SO TERRIBLE.

1. “Did you just roll your eyes at me?” is a frequent question you get.

The answer is yes. Yes, we did just roll our eyes at you, not because you did anything wrong, but because unfortunately eye-rolling is just a reflex at this point.

2. People compare you to April Ludgate . . .

Because she is the Princess of Sarcasm.

3. . . .Or Wednesday Addams.

Wednesday is the original Goddess of Sarcasm, and we worship her dark, morbid ways.

4. “I was just being sarcastic, okay?” is something you have to say a lot, and it’s SUPER FUN (I’m being sarcastic).

Unfortunately, communicating with other non-sarcastic individuals can be frustrating because not everyone gets you.

5. Shiny, happy people confuse you.

While you consider yourself more as a “realist” than “pessimist,” it’s still hard for you to identify silver linings. People who smile a lot and use exclamation marks non-ironically make you nervous. You don’t understand them. Are they being sarcastic? It’s so hard to tell.

6. When you’re pissed off, you use sarcasm to deal with your anger. It’s not awesome.

You’re usually non-confrontational. Telling somebody how they hurt your feelings is worse than eating kale with no salad dressing. You would rather just say something like, “Wow I don’t care at all that you didn’t invite me to your wedding, why would a human care about THAT.”

7. You can feel the hurt in someone’s eyes after you’ve been particularly salty. And you kind of feel bad.

If you have particularly sensitive (or just normal) friends, sometimes you know that you need to tone down your ‘tude a notch. Or eleven notches.

8. When people compliment you, you’re all, “haha you’re wrong.”

You’re generally a little bit weirded out when people are affectionate towards you. It’s not that you have low self-confidence, it’s purely just a defense mechanism.

9. Sometimes you say “Lawwwwll” aloud when you don’t actually find things funny.

Get it? You’re not even on the Internet, so it’s like double irony? Oy.

10. “Mom. Mom. Stop crying. I was just kidding,” is something you have said.

My mom is paranoid that I’m going to tattoo my entire body. Tattoos are her worst fear. I drove over to my parent’s house after a meeting and she saw “Room 253” written on my hand in Sharpie (to remind me where said meeting was) and she panicked and asked if that was a tattoo, so I said “Yes, I tattooed a room number to my hand, Mom,” and she started crying. No joke. I’m a terrible person.

11. You struggle with expressing your sarcasm via text or e-mail.

And this is a problem. Please work on this, technology.

12. You say “I totally hate you” when you really mean “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.”

Because essentially, it’s forever Opposite Day for us sarcastic folks. Hopefully, people get that, but it’s not always clear.

Image via, Giphy