We gave the dudes of 'Parks and Rec' the Tiger Beat treatment!
Close your eyes. Think back to five years ago. You hear the name Chris Pratt. If you were like me, and maybe just a little too young to have been in the demo for CW’s Everwood, your thoughts probably steer you to the lovable Pawneean shoe shine boy, Andy Dwyer. Yet through the wonders of smart career moves, some sick abs, and a powerful awesome mix, the name Chris Pratt is now ubiquitous with heartthrob.
Similarly, in a few years, his character, Andy Dwyer, has shape-shifted from comic relief to lovable golden retriever human we might like to know in the Biblical sense. Who would have thunk it? Now, as Parks and Recreation drops its last few episodes, all of America is looking at that once shlubby character and uttering a collective, “Damn, boy!”
I know if I were in middle school and still a voracious reader of Bop! Magazine, I would be ripping out an Andy Dwyer centerfold and scotch taping it inside my locker for all of humanity (aka all of 7th grade) to see. Remember Bop!, Tiger Beat, or, heck, even Teen People? A glossy magazine page in one of those periodicals could be the window into the soul of your objects of desire.
But since I am 32, and a Tiger Beat subscription is both unnecessary and undoubtedly creepy, and the characters I am obsessed with are fictional—I can only imagine what that pullout article would look like. Here is the closest that I can replicate for Andy and the other amazing men of Pawnee. Feel free to print them off, cut them out and adorn your fridge/locker/dashboard/bulletin board with all of them.
Alter Ego: Burt Macklin
Likes: Kung fu, hour-long guitar solos, three-legged dogs, and April Ludgate
Dislikes: The band Rat Mouse, not to be confused with Mouse Rat
Favorite food: Butter or anything eaten off a frisbee
Dream Job: FBI official or rock legend
Quote to live by: “Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking up at the same moon. . . but, not the same moon. That’s impossible”
Alter Ego: Duke Silver
Likes: Small government, the right to bear arms, and the smell of freshly milled lumber
Dislikes: Women named Tammy, veganism, wasting taxpayer money, and clear alcohol
Favorite Food: Anything from these four food groups: bacon, eggs, porterhouse, or bourbon
Hidden Talent: Woodworking, smooth jazz saxophone player
Quote to live by: “When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
Likes: Letters to Cleo, Leslie Knope, and Game of Thrones
Dislikes: Anyone that doesn’t think REM’s best album is Automatic for The People
Hero: Lil Sebastian
Dream Job: Opening a low-cal calzone eatery (“The Calzone Zone”), stop motion animator, or mass-producing the roleplay board game experience “The Cones of Dunshire”
Most embarrassing moment: As a teen mayor, running the city of Partridge, Minnesota into the ground with “Ice Town” concept
Quote to live by: “Nerd culture is mainstream now. So when you use the term ‘nerd’ derogatorily, you are the one that is out of the zeitgeist.”
Likes: 10-mile lunch break runs literally everyday, Ann Perkins, and positivity
Dislikes: Nothing. I like everything. Except maybe sugar. . . and dying.
Favorite food: Kale
Dream Job: To be a life coach who lives to be 150
Quote to live by: “If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.”
Likes: Cashmere, Diddy, DJ Roomba, the baller lifestyle
Dislikes: When people talk about Game of Thrones
Ideal Job: Mogul
Favorite food: Sandwiches, aka “sammies,” “sandoozles,” or “Adam Sandlers.”
Dream Girl: Anyone that will date me. . . or Beyoncé
Quote to live by: “Treat Yo Self”
Alias: Larry, Terry, Jerry, etc
Likes: Filing, envelope stuffing, my lovely wife Gayle and beautiful daughters
Dislikes: Ripping my pants when I bend over, and catching on fire
Hidden Talent: “I’m a skilled murinalist. I mean muralist. “
Most embarrassing moment: Two words—fart attack
Quote to live by: “I think that Comic Sans always screams fun.”
Likes: Man scarves, freestyle rapping, making it rain, and swag
Dislikes: Working, responsibility, and being on house arrest
Ideal Date: Lexus. Snake Hole Lounge. Bottle service. Drop the mic.
Hero: Dad, because he pays the bills. Oh wait, scratch that—Usher.
Dream Occupation: Getting hit by a bus and living off that baller insurance money
Quote to live by: “When life gives you lemons, steal your grandma’s jewelry and go clubbin’.”
How hard are you swooning?
Kimmie is a 32-year-old rolling encyclopedia of 90’s commercial jingles, movie quotes and celebrity gossip, who spends her days doing social media for a disability nonprofit. Full of contradictory opinions and misplaced enthusiasm; she’ll be waxing poetic on the merits of Degrassi: The Next Generation one minute and cursing the youth of America the next. She’s a lover of the following in no discernible order: redheads, cell phone apps, adverbs, the word “ridiculous,” being a native Nashvillian (before it was cool), being the token wheelchair girl at a concert, Saved By the Bell, Bravo and blogging at her first love www.thatgirlinthewheelchair.com. If you get your news via twitter, follow her @kimmiejonesin.