Anne T. Donahue
August 22, 2013 8:00 am

What is shaking, my brethren? Not much? Well let me change that: we’re taking a turn here, my lady loves (and gentlemen who happen to be reading this). This week, we’re watching Batman.

I like Batman. Probably not enough, since I like Batman in terms of being The Dark Knight and also, so maybe more specifically: I love making jokes about The Dark Knight franchise because LISTEN WE ALL DO IT. But it’s out of love. It’s like Titanic: I joke more than anyone about how many times Jack and Rose say each other’s name, and that Jack was technically a drifter and that they knew each other for three days, so it couldn’t have worked out had he lived, BUT I LOVE TITANIC MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND WOULD WRITE ABOUT IT EVERY DAY IF I COULD. (Also, I watched it on the plane to Calgary a few weeks ago and had to stop it at the end because I knew if I got to the scene where Rose met Jack on the stairs after Rose dies (SHE DIES, OKAY?), I’d be sobbing over the prairies.)

So The Dark Knight Rises it is. Why the last movie of the series? Well:

1) I don’t own the first movie. (I’m sorry, Liam Neeson — I love you.)

2) Heath Ledger is amazing in the second movie, and I don’t think any of us want to find holes in that plotline  minus “What he hell, Harvey Dent?” and “Why didn’t everyone just pin the murders of everyone on The Joker?”

3) Bane’s shearling coat deserves so much recognition this barely scratches the surface.

I’m really excited about this, everyone. We have a lot to discuss. And next week? MY FAVOURITE MOVIE EVER (or one of them). Again, why?

~*NeXt WeEk I tuRn 28*~

As you can tell from what just happened above.

1. No, but honestly why not just pin everything on The Joker?

OR, better yet just tell Gotham the truth? Like, “Harvey Dent went insane and it was very upsetting.” And then Gotham would be like, “Wow that’s actually terrible” and everyone would absolutely need to speak to mental health professionals, and likely move, but then we’d avoid some major drama! Gotham. Listen to me. I’d make a great mayor.

2. Also, I like how no other city hears of these villains/threats on the news (read: why do people live in Gotham?)

SO MANY NEWS OUTLETS WOULD’VE HEARD OF THESE GUYS. The world would find them, no? Or yes? How does crime work, you guys? But also: why would you live in Gotham, then? I would not. I’d be a fair weather Gotham citizen, and I would have made my exodus upon the introduction of Scarecrow who continued to exist for not one, not two, but three movies. (Which equals ten years?) I think it’d be wise of everyone who lives in Gotham just to leave and start anew. Like poor Gordon’s wife who took the kids to Cleveland SO SAYS THIS MOVIE.

And of course all I could think about was Liz Lemon: “In Cleveland? I’m a model!” Maybe Mrs. Gordon is a model, too.

3. But Catwoman is my favourite, so DEAL WITH IT, EVERYONE

Anne Hathaway rules in this movie. SHE RULES. At first all I could see her as was Andie from The Devil Wears Prada (because duh), and then all I could see was Fantine (also duh). But now it’s been a year and we can all get on board with Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Selena Kyle is smart and cool, and her friend, Juno Temple, is equally so. Would anyone else mind a movie about Juno Temple’s character? Obviously not, that was a trick question. WE WOULD ALL LIKE A MOVIE ABOUT JUNO TEMPLE’S CHARACTER. Christopher Nolan, if you are reading this — which I am 100% sure you are — I think you know what your next project is.

4. And then Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the only competent police officer in the city

How is he the only person doing his job? He just got called a “hot head” for wanting to save the police commissioner! Listen, GOTHAM P.D., you don’t just let Gary Oldman wait for help. But remember the feelings we felt when JGL told Bruce Wayne he knows all about Batman? REMEMBER THEM? I do. I’m watching right now. And as far as I’m concerned, JGL is actually a police officer in a fictional town who has had a terrible, terrible upbringing. Thankfully, I bet Christian Bale feels the same — which is exactly why Bruce Wayne and he are out fighting crime somewhere (in a fictional world we’re not a part of).

5. I don’t understand anything that’s happening in the bank, though

Listen. I’m a smart person, but I am not smart enough to know how the economy works. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. Listen. I finally have enough to make my loan payments and buy a vintage dress if I can, AND I have a can of coins in my room, so I’m pretty happy. So because this scene has nothing to do with any of that, I don’t know what it is Bane is doing in this stock centre? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BANE. Why are you framing Bruce Wayne? (Oh my god this rhymes.) WHY MAKE GOTHAM FEEL YOUR PAIN. (There! I did it. I should rap.)

But seriously, what a strange thing to do! Out of every choice he chose that one. I mean, especially since he planned on destroying Gotham on top of everything? I get that you hate classicism, Bane, but you’re not thinking this through. Or maybe you are and I’m not thinking it through. BUT WHAT IS THE POINT IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO RUIN GOTHAM ANYWAY. Let’s have a chat, guy. Let me into your heart.

6. I bet Catwoman knew Batman was Bruce Wayne right from the start

Because HOW COULD YOU NOT. This stranger with this ca-ray-zay voice shows up and his second sentence is basically “WHAT DID YOU DO WITH BRUCE WAYNE’S PRINTS.” I’d be like “Okay, pal aka BRUCE WAYNE. Here’s what happened with your prints.” Then I would leave for any other city in the world. Any. One.

7. And don’t you dare get mad at Michael Caine, Bruce Wayne

AGAIN, THAT WAS MEANT TO RHYME. Second, why are you so mad, Bruce? And more importantly, why are you ostracizing your ONLY FRIEND. His only friend! Literally. Did any of you guys realize that? I just did this second. Bruce Wayne has only one friend, and his name is Michael Caine. And he just made him leave.

8. Imagine Tom Hardy’s voice was actually like Bane’s

IMAGINE. Like his interviews are all, “I finally feel free — I can finally be myself.” And then we kept making fun of it and he had to go back to being regular Tom Hardy again. But more importantly, WHAT A SEAN CONNERY IMPRESSION. A gift to us all. I miss talking like it all the time. (Can you BELIEVE people became annoyed with me? CAN YOU?)

9. But honestly I’m upset when Batman gets betrayed

Because I have something wrong with me called “I always feel bad about things.” Like right now? I feel bad that Batman was betrayed, but then I feel bad that Catwoman has to live with what she’s done and I feel bad for her crappy life. Then I feel bad for Bane because his life is the crappiest of all, BUT he is a legitimate maniac. Like, basically everybody’s life here is the worst. And I feel bad. For these fictional characters. I AM FUN. WE ARE ALL FUN.

10. How did Bane get Batman to the prison, though?

Did they take a plane and if so, how did nobody realize there was a plane taking off? Also, where did the plane land and why so far? And how did they find clothes that fit Bruce Wayne so well? Because honestly I would LIKE a scene where Bane and friends choose Bruce Wayne’s pajamas. ALSO:

10. b) I FEEL BAD FOR EVERYONE IN THE PRISON KNOW

Like, particularly those two guys. But especially the doctor who starts crying when Bruce Wayne makes it out okay? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME. Also, I would like to know more about how Marion Cotillard escaped so well as a kid. And how hard it probably was for her to pretend she didn’t recognize Bane when she saw him in the board room. Sometime it’s hard for me to pretend I’m not tired, and by “hard for me” I mean, “I can’t.”

11. BUT WHY EVERY COP IN THE CITY

That makes zero amounts of sense! This is why bad things keep happening to Gotham. Because NOBODY THINKS. Not even the villains! Oh wait — Bane used Bruce Wayne’s prints at the stock exchange so Bruce would get kicked out and Miranda would replace him. I GET IT NOW. But in terms of police, why not LITERALLY smoke out the bad guys? Like with smoke? Should I be the new chief of police? I’m thinking yes, because I wouldn’t send an entire fleet of humans into a bunch of underground tunnels.

12. Tom Hardy improvised the “beautiful voice” comment

And isn’t that just like our best friend, Tom Hardy. Also, I think we are owed a scene in which Bane and his friends choose the ultimate shearling coat. A montage. That is what this franchise is missing. A MONTAGE. I can see it now:

“Bane never really thought about fashion” *record scratch* “Until Catwoman came in*

[cut to: shopping montage set to anthem of empowerment]

13. But honestly remember how Bruce Wayne treats women terribly in this film?

GUYS HE REALLY DOES. My friend Daniel Eastman just messaged me that. First, he hooks up with Miranda, yes, but only after he’s hit rock bottom, and not before he’s lost her money and been completely dismissive of her as an investor. Selena Kyle, well, that’s a mutually unhealthy relationship, but he barks orders at her, guilts her, then negs her 99.9% of the time.  And she ends up dating him. Or marrying him. Or at least going to Europe with him. I just want to be like, “SELENA YOU DON’T DESERVE THAT. YOU ARE A SMART, STRONG, SENSUAL WOMAN.”

WHAT WOULD TINA BELCHER DO.

14. Why does Gotham get so angry about Harvey Dent?

WHY. They turn on Gary Oldman so quickly! Like, JGL — what’s your problem, pal? It’s not like he was lying just for a joke, he was just trying to keep it real. I mean, would we say Gary Oldman really “betrayed everything Harvey Dent stood for”? No. Probably not. Also, do we not have bigger fish to fry, everyone but Gary Oldman? Like, “Oh look at the looting!” MAYBE WE DEAL WITH THE LOOTING FIRST. Then we deal with everything else. THEN we deal with Gary Oldman not being 100% honest. See? WE SHOULD ALL BE MAYORS.

15. And then it takes 10 minutes for everyone to go nuts

I mean, RELAX, EVERYONE. Bane’s declared marshall law for 13 seconds, and already we’ve got people losing their minds and looting and creating a court system? I like how even Selena Kyle is like “GEEZ EVERYONE.” But do you know what makes me say “GEEZ EVERYONE”?

15. b) How they  healed Bruce Wayne’s back

Is that how they do it? I ask that knowing that’s not how you heal a broken back. Listen, I don’t know who’s reading this, but if you break your back, please go to a hospital and do not stand upright via rope to heal your broken back. No matter what this kindly prison doctor recommends.

16. JAMES HOLT IS IN THIS

Remember in The Devil Wears Prada where Andie has to deliver something to James Holt, and he starts telling her about her bag and says, “Who made that beautiful bag?” and she says, “You did” and he gets her the punch? HE’S IN THIS! He’s doomed in this (like his collection was in The Devil Wears Prada), but he is in it nonetheless. I wish he explained why Bane hates Gotham so much. But alas, he does not.

17. And of course I get a little emotional when Bruce Wayne makes the climb, what you think I’m heartless?

BECAUSE I AM NOT. I cried at a COMMERCIAL for heaven’s sake. But this time, we’ve got Bruce Wayne making the climb WITHOUT A ROPE and the sad blind doctor is saying “rise” in that language, and crying. IT IS ALWAYS THE OLD PEOPLE. I don’t feel anything for Bruce Wayne, but I do feel like shouting, “BRING THE BLIND OLD DOCTOR WITH YOU.”  And thank that one guy who healed you! And also: where is your passport? How will you get back to Gotham, Bruce Wayne? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION WITHOUT SHOES.

18. I’d be the worst at this, though

Honestly everyone’s trying to find the bomb in the truck, and I would just have given up by this point. Not on life, but on this madness. I’d figure they can’t search every house, so I’d just curl up in mine and eat all the baked goods in the house. And then when they were done, I’d eat all the cereal. I COMPARTMENTALIZE. I’m queen of Scarlett O’Hara’s “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” So that’s what I’d do. I would think about it tomorrow every day. OR: I would spend all my time doing what Bruce Wayne did and make an enormous Batman design on the bridge when I could be doing literally anything else. But what a way to make time pass!

19. Bane just took off his shearling coat, and he’s wearing a t-shirt underneath…HIS VEST!

WHERE DO YOU CLOTHES SHOP, BANE? Imagine seeing him in the mall? How do you think that worked? Do you think he had his friends buy clothes for him, or do you think he did not give a WHAT, and walked himself to the mall, and went to American Eagle and bought himself some comfy-ass henleys. I mean, a coat is hard to buy — you don’t just send someone to buy one for you. That’s something Bane obviously had to do on his own. Do you think he stole it or paid for a good, quality shearling number he was willing to pay some serious big ones for? “I can see myself wearing this a lot,” said Bane, I bet. “I think I just found myself an investment piece.”

“But sir,” said the sales associate. “We don’t have any left in your size.”

Batman shows up. “WHERE ARE THEY! THE SHEARLING COATS! WHERE ARE THEY!”

The two become friends.

Hollywood, call me. I’ve got this.

20. Miranda! TWIST

Or not so much. IT IS UPSETTING, YES, THAT EVERYONE HERE HAS THE WORST LIFE. First, I would like to know what plague everyone had in this pit. They said there was a plague. What was it? Because Tom Hardy looked quite okay to me pre-Bane. Also, I would’ve LOVED a solid kiss between Bane and Miranda, CAN I BE HONEST. I mean, he looks mid-20s when she was eight, but now she’s 30-something and so is he! MAGIC.

“Kiss kiss kiss!” – Kathy Geiss and myself

But they don’t, and Batman doesn’t die, AND Gotham somehow miraculously avoids the nuclear fallout from a bomb, AND Michael Caine’s basically a grandfather or a proud dad. We did it, Gotham! Especially you, Gary Oldman!

[muffled rap music playing in the distance]

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