Anne T. Donahue
July 18, 2013 2:00 pm

SO YES it has been many moons. But I can explain, just like Troy could explain in that episode of Community where he doesn’t really explain, but I CAN. Really. See, it began with work, and having a lot, and then not knowing how to budget my time accordingly, and then last week, well, I needed to curl up and watch Mary Tyler Moore because, as DMX puts it, “It’s dark and hell is hot.” (I have no idea what that means.) But you know how those days go? When the idea of doing anything BUT watching Mary Tyler Moore seems foreign and strange? I know you get it. I get it. And you. And this. And all of us. And so hello! From hiatus I have returned, to bring you something special:

The Bodyguard.

Do you guys have a movie that reminds you of being cold? Is that a weird question? Absolutely it is, but we’re all friends here, and I don’t want us to have to hold back strange requests or phrasings. Well, the first time I heard of The Bodyguard, I was seven, and not allowed to watch it, which only made me want to watch it MORE, despite having a guilt complex that forbade me from disobeying my parents. So when my friend Lindsay had her birthday party and screened both this and All I Want For Christmas (this was a strange choice considering her birthday was in September), I had to go home after the Thora Birch-led children’s film.

And fine! Fine. That’s fine, because I ended up seeing The Bodyguard for the first time sometime last year when it was on TV. See? It only took me 20 years to sit down and actually watch it after having the soundtrack embedded into my mind. ONLY TWENTY. So now? We can, and will, embark on this journey together. And to commemorate it, I already got the lyrics to “Queen of the Night” tattooed (onto my brain).

1. Honestly if the movie was just “I Will Always Love You” on loop, I’d be fine with that

I just think we should get that out of the way because when I think of The Bodyguard I think of the song. Also, I don’t 100% GET the movie in general, but … sure! Okay. This will be like when we watched Ghost and by the end realized it was more about Demi Moore’s hair than anything else. So… cool! Kevin Costner has just shot at the guy who played Carl on Another World, and I think it’s important you know that I had intense feelings of love for Carl on Another World because he a) was British and b) all the other men on my Nana’s soaps seemed boring. (But then one time Carl told Rachel it was time to “make love” and I, at age seven, thought, “No thank you, Carl. What the hell is wrong with you.”) (Carl also had a ponytail, and when I thought too much about the logistics, it made me feel uncomfortable.) (“Logistics” = holding hands, probably. I was seven, guys.)

Oh wait, he shot at someone who wanted to shoot Carl. THIS DOESN’T MATTER THOUGH WHY AM I GOING ON AND ON ABOUT IT.

2. KIDDING IT DOES MATTER I JUST PAUSED THE MOVIE TO IMDB CARL

Because that is what IMDB is for, obviously. So he’s still alive, and he’s been married since 1963, and he’s 71, and his name is Charles Keating. You know, I feel pretty great about my crush from 1992 now. (I mean, aside from the ponytail — but the man was sophisticated, so chalk one up to me anyway, thank-you.) So yeah! Go Carl! And more specifically, go me, for having incredible taste in gentlemen from an early age (at least in terms of celebrities)!

3. Remember how Kevin Costner is like, “I don’t do celebrities” like he’s super cool?

And please don’t get me wrong. Currently, Kevin Costner is wearing Raybans, a sweat suit, trainers, while CRANKING “Don’t Walk Away Renee,” thus creating the ultimate atmosphere of “I am the bomb,” but he is turning $2000 a week for what — pride? Dignity? SELF PRESERVATION? Come on, Kevin Costner. You totally want to protect Whitney Houston. We know this because that is how the movie works. But fiiiiine, fine. You play hard-to-get first, WE GOT IT. [wink]

Suuuuuure.

4. Why would you live in a mansion like that, though

Am I wrong? Am I betraying my legacy as a true poor? (Because trust me: I am one. I am a true poor, forever.) But if I had millions of dollars, I’d get a bunch of really small places all over the world. And then make them look cool via antiques and things found at Value Village. And also, I’d travel? Or give money to my friends and family so we can all do cool things? I feel like I’d get super intimidated by a mansion because I’ve seen far too many ghost movies, and also now this movie, which is about people trying to break into a mansion (among other things). But enough dwelling on that, we’ve got…

5. THE 90S

There is NOTHING IN THE WORLD more 1990s than Kevin Costner watching Whitney Houston and her friends rehearse smash singles from the 1990s, while clad in the creme de la creme of 1990s fashion. NOTHING IN THE WORLD. Maybe Stephanie Tanner dancing as well, but that’s not going to happen here, so we move on and focus on the present. We focus on, say, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT. The song I want played on loop at any special event in my life. In fact, it should technically be playing RIGHT NOW when Whitney Houston turns around and faces Kevin Costner and you turn into Kathy Geiss from 30 Rock and begin screaming, “KISS KISS KISS!”

The 90s.

6. Why is her staff so incompetent?

There are literally two people who are capable of being functioning humans in this film: Devaney and the little boy. WHY IS EVERYONE THE WORST? The British security guy’s eating a lollipop, and Rachel’s sister just stares at everyone, and Kevin Costner can’t just tell it like it is. Instead, it’s all cryptic, like, “Should we show him the room?”

7. Of course you should show him the room!

Was that a rhetorical question? Were we just having a fun game where we asked questions and if someone finally said “yes” we’d do whatever that one question was? What if he’d asked “Hey do you guys what to get ice cream?” Would this movie turn out differently? I bet it would. I bet it really would, actually. I’m sure then the movie wouldn’t even have been called The Bodyguard, it’d be called “let’s watch these guys eat ice cream.”

Anyway, I digress. THE ROOM! Well I think what we need to point out here is that Whitney Houston’s music begins playing as soon as the lights come on. That could be brilliant timing on the soundtrack’s part, or it could be a room dedicated to the wonder that is her, starring her music, and her, and also everything else we’re about to see. (Oh my god, it was music she had playing.) Then, we have these guys being like “no, we didn’t tell her about the guy who broke in and jerked off on her bed — why would we?” UM, BECAUSE IT IS WEIRD THAT YOU DIDN’T, GUYS. Also, because IT WAS A SITUATION THAT OCCURRED IN HER HOUSE. Like, maaaaaybe don’t tell her if someone broke in and stole the last carton of milk, but yeah, I’d say go ahead and tell her about the other activities that may have gone on in her absence.

See? Only competent person: Devaney. NOT British lollipop guy. (Who turns out to be guilty, right? I don’t remember.) (BUT I WILL!)

8. Rachel listening to only music by Rachel

Is my favourite part of this movie so far. Though ACTUALLY the best part is this:

British lollipop guy: “Tuesday morning brunch, Bill! Ha! Where’d you get this guy?”

I don’t know? The wrong brunch convention? LOL Oh guys. I’m killing it today, aren’t I. We have fun here. (He got him from wherever they get security guards, British Lollipop. That’s where.)

PS. Now Rachel is watching Kevin Costner listen to music by Rachel. IT JUST NEVER ENDS*. *My happiness

9. OMG QUEEN OF THE NIGHT

I mean, no, I have no idea how they knew Rachel was coming because no one had mobile phones in 1992 but WHO CARES she is wearing a CAPE and she is at THE CLUB and this is about to be the BEST NIGHT OF OUR LIVES! (“SPRING BREEAAAAK!” – us, right now)

Wait, no. I was wrong. Because British Lollipop doesn’t want anyone knowing — particularly Rachel — that Rachel has a stalker. And she should leave!  But she won’t. Because she WON’T BE RUN OFF STAGE and blah blah blah GIVE US “QUEEN OF THE NIGHT!”

AHHHH THE SONG IS PLAYING GUYS. Can you hear it? Obviously not because I’m at my house and you’re not here, but it is playing trust me, and IT IS PERFECT.

10. But then it becomes less perfect

Because she fell? Did someone push her? I don’t understand how this is scary. Hasn’t she crowd surfed? I haven’t, because I hate the idea of random people touching me, so maybe that’s her deal, too? Why is he still carrying her? Why can’t she run away herself? Rachel is a STRONG SENSUAL WOMAN, KEVIN COSTNER. SHE DOESN’T NEED YOUR SUIT JACKET (though it was nice of you to offer). Also, Kevin Costner’s all, “Haven’t done THAT before” like he just jumped in front of 20 bullets. Instead, he just picked her out of the crowd and put her in a limo. Even Rachel should’ve been like, “Dude… that… wasn’t that bad.” And then this would turn into a brilliant film about #emotion

11. Wait, so … why did that one bodyguard attack Kevin Costner?

Do you guys know? If you know, can you help me know? At first I thought he was the killer maybe, but then there’s 60 minutes left so that can’t possibly be the case. And then they’re throwing knives? What, were they really going to kill each other in Rachel’s kitchen? And did nobody hear anything as it was happening? I AM SO CONFUSED SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE. And then they just end their fight. And you’re almost like, “Is this what sexual chemistry is all about?” But not quite, because yeah, no, that guy DEFINITELY wanted to kill Kevin Costner with an actual knife. (For reasons I can’t actually understand.)

Rachel needs to move to Wisconsin or something for a while and phase out all this negativity.

12. YGG Rachel, but GEEZ Kevin Costner

CAN YOU TELL A JOKE OR SOMETHING, GUY? I know that we’re all supposed to like those dark, brooding, sad characters, but MY GOD. No. Stop. He’s not even offering a second part to her question: “DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME.” He just stands there and says nothing. Basically. Guys. Can you imagine? She’s all plucky and fun, and badass, and he’s all …. nothing! He says nothing! He acts like he’s not interested in even living on this planet! And that’s cool. I mean, if you are that person, that’s your call. But it’s like we’re supposed to think that’s romantic or something? I don’t know. I can tell you what I do not think is romantic: that. NO ONE IS LAUGHING OR HAVING FUN. I have been her character here. And as a result, I can confirm the following: by the end, I wasn’t laughing. Nor was I having fun.

And neither is Rachel now, because she was like “LOL THE GIRL YOU LOVED DIDN’T DIE DID SHE?” and he’s like “Yep.” And now she feels like all of us when we’ve done a “your mom!” joke and that person’s mother has definitely passed away. And in that moment, I swear we were all Rachel.

Kidding! It’s fine, HE JUST TOLD A JOKE. #IMAGINE

Nope.

13. Though I would like to dance with Kevin Costner at a dive bar

Dive bars are my FAVOURITE, by the way. (Seriously, I only like going out to one of two places: dive, dive, divey dive bars, and old, old, OLD places — and of course anywhere I can eat fries.) And so please imagine my feelings when I gaze upon FOREVER HANDSOME Kevin Costner, and he’s all dancing at this dive bar to this depressing-ass love song. (My feelings are all, “I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR FACE!” basically, just so you know.)

Now, though, I will say he’s still not joking around or laughing or anything? But she’s so fun! And he kind of laughed once, almost. Honestly, this guy. You’re allowed to be fun, K-Cost! Drink some orange juice! GO ON TWITTER AND READ SOME JOKES.

14. But then no real segway?

Like he just stands up and they start making out and now we’ve deduced that they’ve — as scientists say — “done it.” But okay DUH we love this movie, but here’s what makes me all worried: like, is she going to prove that she is also strong and capable of being safe? Because I feel like when I was younger I was all “yeah! He rescues her!” but … I mean, she’s a talented superstar of a human being. Yes, you hire people to make you feel safe a.k.a. hire bodyguards, but I mean, is this a “rescue” thing? Also what’s your issue, Kevin Costner? WHY COULD YOU HOOK UP WITH HER THE NIGHT BEFORE BUT NOT AGAIN?

Also, why is she telling her son all the details? Also, again, why is Kevin Costner telling her kid what language he can use? Kevin Costner needs to check himself before he wrecks himself because Whitney Houston a.k.a Rachel is THE FREAKING BOMB. #drops #every #mic

15. I miss Whitney Houston though for real

Every time a song starts it’s like, “AHH I LOVE THIS SONG” and then I remember that she’s not here anymore, and it is incredibly, incredibly sad. Her voice! It was insane! Also, she was the soundtrack to my childhood when I got my own radio and listened exclusively to “adult contemporary” which I now think is just “pop.” But man alive. Whitney Houston was a force. And I think we owe it to ourselves to watch this movie at least once a year (or more) to remember this. (As if we needed to be reminded. But still.)

16. “Why don’t you go back there and keep watching”

Woah. Okay. So Kevin Costner’s up to his bodyguard business, and Rachel’s hooking up (?) with his bodyguard friend, and this woman approaches and says, “I’ve been watching you from across the room” (that sounds terrifying, never EVER open a conversation like that, please, for the love of all that is good) and he goes — are you ready for this? — “Why don’t you just go back there and keep watching?”

What? Woah! Buuuuuuuurn! Also, YIKES. I mean, granted, she started the conversation with the creepiest line in the history of sentences, but also, maybe just say “that’s nice” and turn around? I don’t know. Something…. else. But now I’m being distracted by his orange juice that Rachel won’t stop shaming. She even says — to his bodyguard bud — “Come on. Let’s get ourselves a REAL drink” as if Kevin Costner not drinking is some sort of terrible thing. Here is a fact: I don’t drink. You going to shame me, Rachel? Am I not cool now? YEAH. THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. *downs a carton of orange juice in one gulp, and puts on sunglasses like the guy from CSI*

17. Guys I don’t know what’s happening anymore

The only thing I care about is Rachel and Kevin Costner getting their acts together and making dreams come true. I don’t know anything about anybody else and I have no idea why he beat up that random man in the kitchen and I don’t know why everyone’s being unreasonable when THEY ARE ALL ADULTS. Just make choices! And communicate! And why is this movie like the caffeine addiction I will never break? Why? I’ll tell you why: because I live for it. and well, okay, no. But I will always watch this movie when it’s on T.V., and now Kevin Costner and Rachel are going to protect each other again. (That’s what happens, right?)

18. TWIST: the sister is in on it!

Which is so weird? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I guess? Don’t trust anyone? But why? Wait — did I miss the explanation? Was she mad or … wait! Okay, yes. It was a drug addiction. And also, she hated her. What a disaster, actually, though. Can you imagine how awkward Christmas would’ve been after that? “Merry Christmas, and … well, thanks for … bringing me and Kevin Costner closer together, I guess.” (That was a sample Christmas card, by the way.)

And then we never really talk about how Kevin Costner has obviously lapsed on his sobriety as he pours himself a quarter of a 26er.

19. Imagine watching the Oscars as Rachel runs away, though?

THINK OF THE TWEETS oh man. We’d have a blast with that! There’d be a lot of jokes, that’s for sure. Also remember when he’s like “Hey, I know who it is” and then she says, “SHUT UP.” What? Why would you do that? Wouldn’t you just be like, “Who is it?!” Instead of being like “NO. I HATE YOU. AND I HATE EVERYONE YOU KNOW. AND I HATE YOUR INFORMATION.” I have a new theory: that logical reasoning does not exist within the realm of dramatic romantic movies. Because in real life I think all of us would be like, “Oh my god — who? WHO? Let’s leave. Screw the Oscars, we’re out of here.”

But then it’s fine because it’s that HORRIBLE MAN from that one party, and Rachel screams “HE’S MY BODYGUARD!” when Kevin Costner gets shot, and the movie is WORTH IT. For that scene alone. Honestly, I bet that’s even how they named the movie to begin with.

20. So wait… they don’t stay together?

Because he got hurt or because they don’t want to be together? Why can’t they just date? I AM NOT PROCESSING THIS. And has she seriously not been in contact with him since he recovered from being shot? Like, she didn’t come visit him? Ever? Once? In the hospital? And now they’re just staring at each other at the airport like it’s not 1992 and technology for keeping in touch doesn’t exist. BUT THEN…

My GOD, the song. IT BEGINS. THE SONG OF OUR YOUTHS. THE SONG I WANTED TO DANCE WITH CHRIS WALL TO BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS SO DREAMY. And ah! NOW THEY KISS. They kiss like WE WANTED THEM TO ALL ALONG. BUT THEN…

That’s it? Like, does that imply that they’re together? I mean, they can still be together and have different jobs, right? That’s how adulthood works? Why aren’t they showing them together? What is this? WAS IT ALL IN VAIN? Does he maybe just love his job? Was that the REAL love story? Let’s talk about this because right now my favourite song just came on during the credits and I bet you can guess what it is as I dance and type along to it.

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT OUT.

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