Anne T. Donahue
February 28, 2013 5:30 am

Do you know what’s an abomination? We have never watched Jurassic Park! Also, that I didn’t watch it for the first time until LAST YEAR when I was on death’s door with the flu and prayed for death, but death did not come, and instead sent me Jurassic Park on TV.

And boy was that a blessing.

Since, I have had the luxury of seeing that clip where the Jurassic Park theme song is played by the recorder, as well as hearing a lot of pop culture references I obviously didn’t know about. Oh, and I got to have seen JURASSIC PARK. Only the greatest movie ever made that I was absolutely not allowed to see in 1993 when I was eight because my parents said it was “too violent.”

WHATEVER, she typed as the dinosaur in the container ate a bunch of the men who were helping ship it. I’ll show them! I’ll show all of them! Every parent! In the world!

But let’s not waste time. Jurassic Park is already being sued by the eaten worker’s family. And we’ve got Jeff Goldblum to fawn over, PARDON ME.

1. I can’t even begin to tell you how obsessed I was with dinosaurs before this movie came out, though

OBSESSED. Like, I wrote a book (“a book”) called “My Pet Dinosaur” and it was about a dinosaur who wore neon underwear and was my best friend. So can I tell you how it killed me that I couldn’t see this movie? Dinosaurs rule. THEY RULE. I still love dinosaurs! WHO DOESN’T? Monsters, that’s who. And not the dinosaur kind.

But in all seriousness, though, I absolutely kept an actual pet dinosaur that wasn’t actually a dinosaur, but an inflatable pool toy that looked like a dinosaur — who I insisted was my pet, named Dino. (This was before my family got a cat. So really, I had no hope.) Also, how weird is it that the dinosaurs just DIED?

2. But 1993 technology, though LOL

I love watching all the archaeologists boot up a DOS. And not even because I’m a tech person. But because they’re huddled around DOS saying things like “this new technology–” ALWAYS WITH THE TECHNOLOGY WITH YOU GUYS (movie writers)! Just wait till we all laugh at ourselves now.

3. Why does the park owner wear all white

That’s more of a statement than it is a question. However, he does genuinely look like Colonial Sanders on vacation, so that’s something we should all probably appreciate. Imagine if he also did sell chicken? I think that’s actually the title of a Robin Williams movie: What Dreams May Come.

4. How is Newman even employed, by the way?

Or more importantly, what’s his deal again? Is he stealing the dinosaurs? Guys, I’m watching but also typing, and I feel like we have a lot to cover, so I can’t go back. He did just say “don’t get cheap on me, [person he’s addressing]” so I’m assuming he’s some sort of criminal. In fact, I know he is. But while this person he’s addressing is trying to tell him how to care for dinosaur eggs, Newman’s just playing with the fake shaving cream and putting it on pie. Who would look up to this man in a professional way? WHO? (The character, not the actor. I promise.)

5. I also read the Jurassic Park movie book when I was eight because I had no choice

Everyone was talking about Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park this, Jurassic Park that, and obviously I needed to get in on it somehow, so I borrowed the movie book from the library. (YOU KNOW THE ONES: the book, and then the pictures in the middle.) And I read it. Fast. And I became obsessed with Laura Dern’s outfit because damn it, the woman could wear khaki shorts.

6. Also the lawyer they bring is wearing a suit, tie, and SHORTS

I get that it’s hot out, but imagine you saw that in real life? Someone dressed very professionally and holding a briefcase, and then bam: he’s wearing shorts? Just think about that for a minute. Longer, if you need. (I do. …I do.)

7. Okay I have very strong feelings about the brontosauruses

Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAVOURITE DINOSAUR. Anyone who’s seen Land Before Time should count brontosauruses as their favourite dinosaur. And maybe I do feel something in my heart when we see these CGI’d dinos grazing peacefully on the land. And maybe I do get a little choked up. And maybe I do think MY GOD THEY’RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

I think this is probably why I wasn’t allowed to see Jurassic Park.

8. Oh my goodness, this video on how dinosaurs are made is embarrassing to us all

Even to children. Even to children WHO IT IS MEANT FOR. Adults, though, can you imagine? Can you imagine presenting this to adults who study dinosaurs for a living? Yet Laura Dern and friends are amazing and intrigued by it. I would be mad. Like, “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?!” is probably what I would shout before asking to leave.

9. I am personifying these fake dinosaurs

A tiny velociraptor has just hatched and I love him…? BUT HE ISN’T REAL HE IS A FAKE DINOSAUR. Is this growing up? Is this why I get emotional during the brontosaurus scene? Is this why I’m so into what Jeff Goldblum is wearing? Because he is wearing all black and a leather jacket, and looks super, amazingly hip.

Okay now I feel bad for the cow who’s being fake fed to these fake dinosaurs. AND I EAT MEAT. Moving on.

10. But imagine we thought we could open a dinosaur park?

IMAGINE? I mean, let’s be honest: that’s got to be the worst idea in the world. These are DINOSAURS. They kill things and they’ve never lived with us! A cat park, yes. YES. Oh my GOD, imagine a cat park. I WISH. I WISH I COULD GO TO A CAT PARK. But not a dinosaur park. My pet bronto was enough dinosaur for me — and that’s because he wore shorts and slept in my closet and we made dinner together.

11. And then the kids get involved

Which kind of look like a mini Laura Dern and the guy who played the bishop on The Tudors, and I don’t really care about them until they say “Grandpa!” and run towards Scottish Colonial Sanders. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY. Frankly, you could draw a dinosaur on a napkin, write “Grandpa!” on it, and I’d take it home and raise it like a puppy.

But for real, listen. The kids are important. But Laura Dern and Bishop from The Tudors would be wayyyyy better off if it was just the two of them and Jeff Goldblum. Like, they’d probably avoid a lot of the catastrophe that ensues. Maybe 100% of it, even, since didn’t the little boy get them into the T-Rex situation to begin with thanks to the flashlight? And the kitchen with the raptors! Kids, you deserved to hang out in the control centre with Colonial Sanders. Then everyone would have won. (Or enjoyed some delicious chicken, at least!)

12. “Dinosaurs eat man, woman inherits the earth”

YOU GO, LAURA DERN. That being said, I would like if no men died, but I mean WHAT A LINE, am I right?

Also RIP goat, who we have to watch being eaten eventually, kind of in a way. All of this makes me want to find my cat and hug him.

13. Well I can’t be the first person to say that if Jeff Goldblum’s character was holding my hand and talking to me about the butterfly effect, I would be interested in exploring this situation

13. b) WHY WOULD ALLAN GET OUT OF THE TRUCK

See, now actually I don’t blame the kids, I blame Allan, who apparently feels he is an “explorer” and not just a “paleontologist,” which he is. This is how it all begins. It could’ve just been a boring car ride and then more meals, and then a ticket home, but no. He gets out. He goes exploring. And we get THE GREATEST MOVIE ABOUT DINOSAURS THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE.

14. NO NOT THE DYING RHINOSAURUS

It’s SICK, YOU GUYS. It’s obviously in pain! And Laura Dern doesn’t seem to get it right away! WHY IS NO ONE HELPING IT. Give it some water! Give it some better plants! GIVE IT SOME NEON UNDERWEAR COURTESY OF MY PET BRONTO. Oh God now Newman’s stealing samples. What I would give for him to turn around, see Samuel L. Jackson standing there, and just saying, “Hello…Newman.”

Also, how did it get dark so early? One minute ago it was afternoon and now it’s the middle of the night. And maybe I’m a little bit crazy, but storms don’t make it “dead of night” dark.

15. I am getting stressed out

Newman’s stressing me out, the storm’s stressing me out, Newman’s stressing me out, his plans are stressing me out, the dinosaurs are stressing me out, and Newman is stressing me out. A LOT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW AND NO ONE’S REALLY DOING ANYTHING TO STOP IT. I always get confused whether it’s the storm or the Newman that makes the electricity go out, but regardless, I hate it. Last night the lights flickered during a snowstorm and THAT freaked me out. I can’t even tell you how freaked out I am right now about that poor goat getting wet.

Here, let’s switch topics and assume that Jeff Goldblum probably wouldn’t have agreed to be in the movie if he couldn’t do this:

16. Remember when the grown man runs into the bathroom and freaks out and abandons two children?

I have a test when it comes to gentlemen: what would my grandpa do? (My grandpa, who survived the war, and is the definition of “the most awesome man.”) Well he would not run away from a jeep being attacked by a tyrannosaurus rex, I can tell you that much for free. He would pull an Allan and rescue those damn kids because THAT IS WHAT A DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD DO.

(Hi Rex.)

And speaking of decent human beings, even though I get fundamentally upset about everything Newman is doing, the way he dies is THE WORST AND I HATE IT. (Like, in a way that I love this movie, but I still can’t technically “watch” this scene.) (Because he gets poison in his eyes, and then gets eaten, and, as a human, I have a thing about eye scenes because they freak me out AS THEY SHOULD. No one should ever be like, “And then he goes blind! And DIES!” Who would say that?!)

17. When the little boy says he threw up I am a bad person because the thing I would say next would be, “Okay, well do you think you’re going to throw up again? Is it the flu? Am I going to get the flu? What did you eat? Did I eat the same thing? Are you sure you’re not going to throw up again?” And then we would not beat Jurassic Park.

17. b) I would buy a CD of singing brachiasauruses (sp?) and I don’t care who knows it

LIKE WHALES OF THE PRE-HISTORIC ERA. Because I absolutely had a CD of whale sounds. (Lies. It was a tape.)

18. Scottish Colonial Sanders eating all the ice cream in the cafeteria is all of us

“They were all melting.” No. It’s okay, sir. We’ve been there. We’ve all been there. And I feel bad for him because he’s just a guy chasing his dream, you know? And now he’s surrounded by gifts with one of the most iconic images in the world — but at the time? It was just merchandise for a movie that Dawson Leery would eventually love. Love so much none of us could ever truly understand it. (Not even Joey Potter.)

On a sidenote, I would actually throw myself off the tree after being sneezed on by a dinosaur. Just like the little boy threw himself off the electric fence BY FORCE, and scared us more than we can ever know.

19. But who do these raptors think they are?

WHY ARE THEY THINKING LIKE PEOPLE. And acting like people. Are these how raptors actually acted and/or act? Because they seem like the worst. I wish I had more to add to this, but I’m not going to lie: I will always prefer a T-Rex scenario.

Also, “clever girl” followed by the death of the explorer with the knee socks is just not even fair. NO WONDER MY PARENTS FORBODE ME FROM SEEING THIS. (Even though all the kids at school got to see it, and my neighbours’ owned it, and I’d just stare at the VHS case like something was wrong with me.)

20. And then, after a harrowing game of Spectre (REMEMBER?), success

AND THANK GOODNESS. Mini Laura Dern knows how to override the computer system, Scottish Colonial Sanders gets his grandkids, Jeff Goldblum continues to exist, and the T-REX SAVES THE DAY OBVIOUSLY. He’s not a bad guy! He just needs to eat. We all need to eat.

Which is the moral of the story: you’re deprived of food, you turn into a raptor.

Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight.

(I hope you’re all reading this saying, “But Anne, it’s day.”)

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