Anne T. Donahue
October 31, 2013 4:00 pm

Well things are about to get intense. Following the excuses I’m about to make about why I’ve been absent for two weeks (Canadian Thanksgiving, and then an inability to use my time wisely), we’re going to delve into the dark world of Death Eaters and everybody else.

Honestly, this will be the last film in which no tears are shed. I personally don’t cry when Sirius Black dies because a) Helena Bonham-Carter kind of steals the show, and b) I just found Gary Oldman on Instagram, so I know he is not dead, but instead very happy and hanging out with puppies and famous people. (Thinking this way will ensure your sanity and joy, I promise you.) But again, I say that now. The other day I almost cried at a Ghost Hunters episode and I am also sick with a cold, so I could tear up at my ginger ale can being too far.

What I’m saying is that this isn’t a drill. Pure, unadulterated emotion and storylines. RIP Cedric, RIP all of us.

1. I never believe the opening scene because thinking of London having a heat wave is NUTS to me

Which I know is ignorant and not true. England gets hot temperatures. Duh. Of course. Right? (Right?!) I live in Canada (she said for the millionth time) and everyone’s all, “Oh man! Igloos, right?!” when I tell them that (no), when in reality it was so hot this summer I seriously thought about melting into the sea. Like I’m talking about 40-degree humidity (Celsius). Like, I’m saying that I had to walk somewhere and my hair grew eight sizes bigger than its actual size, and then I was also covered in sweat. So okay, fine, I guess England has heat waves. But I also get so relieved and so psyched for Harry when the Dementors come because it at least cools down.

2. So Harry gets expelled, but like… so what?

NO, HEAR ME OUT. So say you get expelled from Hogwart’s. What does that mean? You can still live in the wizard world, and you can still do whatever, but you just are like a regular drop-out,? (I am not condoning anyone drop out of school.) But say you DID drop out, there are options. (AGAIN, I am not condoning anyone drop out of school.) But I mean, say Harry DID get expelled, could he not just go to another school? Isn’t Hogwarts the fancy school? But there are other schools? I say this as someone whose life was spent in “other” schools. And I mean, yeah, there were more fights and drama, but at least I didn’t know anybody like Malfoy. So maybe it wouldn’t have been the worst thing. There can’t just be one school for all the wizard kids in the world, that’s just impossible. YOU HAVE OPTIONS, HARRY. That’s all.

3. I would also be dreaming of Ralph Fiennes

But that’s because he’s so cute! HI-OH! What! #LOL (Imagine I missed the point of the movie completely and only started talking about my favourite Ralph Fiennes roles.) (It’s this one, by the way.) (And all the others.)

4. Nothing in the world is as cool as the Order of the Phoenix flying over London on their brooms

Nothing. Nothing in the world. Not a single thing. Okay, maybe some things. But this thing comes close. Also, I want to be Tonks, so I think the sooner we make that clear the better. We deserve it.

5. The “he’s just a boy” thing makes me SO MAD

I GET IT, MRS. WEASLEY. He’s a kid. BUT he’s also had to fight Voldemort through four movies so far, and has also seen his own friend killed. So maybe he is NOT just a boy, and he is in war time, and let the guy join his uncle in the Order, why don’t you. Also, whenever someone says “he’s just a boy/girl!” in terms of sparing somebody terrible news, it means they probably already know the news, AND can handle it better than all the adults put together, and are probably about 84 in their souls.

6. Mrs. Umbridge is THE WORST

Which is the least creative thing I have ever said in my entire life. But honestly: what political villain is she supposed to represent? She’s the worst kind of person. And villain. And political villain. How is she employed? SHE TORTURES CHILDREN. Does this mean the Ministry of Magic embraces people who torture children? Or is she a plant because Voldemort runs the Ministry? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS I HAVE TO ASK. And I hate that she likes tea and I hate that she likes cats because those are things that I like and I want nothing in common with this woman, ever. (The character, obviously. I’m sure the actress is fantastic in real life.)

7. Dumbledore’s head games with Harry Potter are weird, though

Like… not to bring up the “he’s just a BOY!” thing, but if you know Harry Potter’s fate lies in the hands of killing Voldemort, why wouldn’t you just be real. Right from the get-go. Just like, “Heyyyy buddy, you’re about to go through a really hard time, and I’m sorry, but we can get through this. Together.” Instead, Dumbledore is doing the thing I do to people I HATE  (ignoring them) or people I don’t care about (hate). Either way, it’s never good to give the silent treatment to someone who is your student, and who is also really alone, and who is also doomed to die (or so everyone fears) because it’s impolite, and rude, and ultimately a really really weird head game to play when you’re already in a power position. (I mean, right?!)

8. See, Harry Potter has detention, and WHAT IF HE JUST SAID NO

Is that bad? Is that insubordination? As an adult, I can tell you that not going to detention would’ve had only this consequence: not that much. But would Umbridge have just attacked him in the night, then? What if he had just said, “b–ch please?” More importantly, what if he stole a bunch of her cat plates and gave them to me?

9. Luna rules all

LUNA AND HERMIONE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER (eventually). I would just like them to be mine. But honestly how wise is Luna. And underestimated CONSTANTLY. Well we all know what happens — she rules the world. But in addition to that there’s something SO comforting about her AND her advice. If you are reading this, Luna, we could make necklaces together.

10. Why is the Ministry so involved in Hogwarts, though?

So Fudge is super paranoid that the Order is making things happen, so he sends Umbridge to Hogwarts to micromanage. And by “micromanage” I mean TURNS IT INTO A PRISON. How is this happening? How are the parents cool with this? Also, Ontario schools are regulated by the government, but there would be an actual uprising if change happened that quickly. Also, I’m pretty sure there’d need to be some sort of vote? What kind of school is this? What kind of government? Do I NOT want to be a wizard? Like, would I be trapped in a dictatorship? OR would that only happen if we were in a Voldemort-is-back type of scenario. Listen, these are just the things I think about and spend my time focusing on. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

11. The Dumbledore’s Army montage is the way I see my life

Like, in my head, when I’m doing things, I think that my life looks like this montage of learning spells and tricking the authorities into thinking I am not doing that. Of course, in actual real life, I’m driving to the gas station and sitting in traffic and hanging out with friends and then working and then drinking too much coffee. But in my head? It’s exactly like this montage.

12. Not to get weird, but Snape teaching me how to read his thoughts is borderline very okay

He just said “I will attempt to penetrate your mind” and I just said “that’s what she said” because that’s what I would say in that scenario even though it doesn’t even make a little bit of sense. (I am very suave.) But what I’m really saying here is that there would be tension between he and I, and yes, I would try to kiss him. Him being Snape. Always Snape. Snape forever. Maybe Alan Rickman too but only if he was a single person.

13. HELENA BONHAM-CARTER IS IN THE HOUSE

See, this is my problem with Helena Bonham-Carter in Harry Potter: I don’t have one. I actually can’t hate her or get mad at her or even be like “No! Not Bellatrix LaStrange!” because I love Helena Bonham-Carter that much. Case in point: Azkaban just got busted wide open, and Bellatrix just starts cackling like a mad person. AND IT’S AWESOME. She is awesome. She’s so good an actress you hate her (as Bellatrix), then you love her because she is SO GOOD. And even when she kills Gary Oldman (who I also love), I can’t not love her because then she runs around screaming, and I become envious of her hair and aesthetic. Is something wrong with me? Yes. But not because I love HBC. Because in my head, IT’S ALL THE SAME. (Dun, dun, dun.)

14. But then I get irrationally mad at Cho for telling on them

Because we KNOW she was under a spell, but at the same time, HOW DARE SHE. Honestly, girl. What the hell. And SPEAKING of “what the hell” — the elder Weasley is spooning with The Ministry now?! There to place Dumbledore under arrest? WHATEVER… Percy, is it? I hate everyone. Especially Lurch (yeah, that’s what I’m calling him DEAL WITH IT) who’s taken all the Hogwarts animated paintings away. You’ll see. You’ll all see!

15. I would hate James Potter too if I were Snape

I really would. I still actively dislike people I went to high school with, and they weren’t quite as horrible as me. The guy who used to egg me? Technically, that wasn’t even close to being followed up a hill and then held in the air upside down ala James Potter to Snape. How do we feel about this information? My parents were both on the receiving end of being bullied, so I never had to find out my dad was a d-bag, BUT Harry just did. Oh man, the confused feelings he must have. Also, Snape, no wonder you were so upset about James and Lily. It’s not even like she met a guy in college who she liked seeing French films with. She went for the POPULAR GUY. The JOCK. (NooOOOOooO!) Would you switch to the Death Eater side if you were Snape? PROBABLY. I mean, honestly? The Order of the Phoenix was filled with cool people who made life horrible. What I’m saying is Snape, I understand you, and I want to hold your hand.

16. Fred and George WIN

KILLING IT WITH LAUGHTER. Also: right? They didn’t need their owls because frankly, who cares. They’re businessmen! Inventors! Funnier than everybody! They probably opened up their own business then went on the roads as comics. (In my fantasy where everybody lives.) Delores Umbridge would be the person protesting jokes on the other side of the street. Then she would become the subject of one. (In case you’re just tuning in now: they vandalized the school with fireworks, and it was amazing.)

17. “HARRY DO NOT PICK UP THE PROPHECY!” we all shouted at the screen

Because as SOON as Hermione said, “Voldemort’s using Sirius to bait you” we all knew Voldemort was using Sirius to bait Harry. And then he finds the prophecy — the EXACT ONE everyone was saying “you need him to get it,” and he thinks about picking it up? Harry. NO. You smash that ish. You smash it good. It doesn’t matter what it says. You just smash it and then you bask in the warm glow of making a rash decision without any real thought. But you do not — and I repeat — do NOT pick it up.

Oh, okay. He picked it up.

18. How crushed do you think Harry felt when Sirius called him James

I would be crushed. I would be absolutely crushed. I would be even more crushed knowing my dad also bullied Snape and that meant Sirius also bullied Snape. I would just be like, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t anymore. This is the worst.” And then I think all the Death Eaters would be like “Huh?” because I don’t see them as people who like to have fun or laugh or be honest about anything reasonable. So this would throw them for a loop. And then I would just be like, “Honestly, everyone, I’m sorry, but this is really messed up.” And someone would say “Why, what do you want to do?” And I would say, “I WANNA DANCE!”

19. I would love if when everyone saw Voldemort for the first time they said…

“I LOVED you in The English Patient.”

But especially Fudge. Right after he gasps. Like: *GASP* “I LOVED you in The English Patient. [Crowd gathers] You guys? He’s back! RALPH FIENNES IS BACK!”

Of course, we all know that could never have happened because RALPH FIENNES NEVER LEFT.

20. And the wizard battle to end all wizard battles JUST KIDDING that’s in the eigth film, but yes this one’s amazing too

I just can’t. It is too much. If you weren’t overwhelmed with the wizarding world yet, you are now, because good gracious. We’ve got fire. We’ve got water. I see fire and I see rain. (There’s no cameo by James Taylor, but that’s okay.) There’s wind. Earth, wind, and fire, but not the band. And this: Voldemort’s complete disregard that he doesn’t have a nose.

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, VOLDEMORT. Did you not want a nose?! Was having a nose a thing low on the priority list? How do you taste? What if you have a cold? Is it a question of having post nasal drip? Because I have that right now, and let me tell you, it makes me want to shoot a fire snake at somebody as well. I ALSO HAVE A COLD, VOLDEMORT, IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

But alright. A lot has happened here. A lot will happen some more. But I need to make something very very clear to all of you: this is my favourite Harry Potter film. This was it. We watched it together. We still have three weeks left (before I submerge us in Christmas movies), so until next week, I say to you: Alan Rickman, would you like to hold hands.

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