Anne T. Donahue
October 10, 2013 4:00 pm

OR: The first Harry Potter film that induces tears.

We’ve begun our sad descent into death, you guys, and frankly, I couldn’t be more psyched. No, no, no — not because Cedric deserves an untimely demise (although he ended up in Twilight so maybe it worked out better for him — who knows), but because these are when the movies start to GET REAL. Like, they were already real, but now they are REAL. RE-AL. We’re going to cry, and it’s going to be upsetting, and we might even need to talk about a few things later because now isn’t the time or the place. (The comments section. That is the time AND the place.)

So let us begin. (You know if I don’t start OLMN with a Khan quote, I might as well just hurl my laptop and Harry Potter DVDs into the sea.) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. OR: The Harry Potter movie where Ron and Harry have really long hair.

1. I always laugh really hard though when Dumbledore runs up and is like “DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!”

You guys know that gif, right? Because Dumbledore’s supposed to say it really calmly, but in the movie he runs up and is like, “HARRY! DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!?!?!?!” But in REALITY, it’s supposed to be a very, “Harry. Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?” ANYWAY. These are just the details I notice. Call me an expert, but it’s just the way I am. Also, please call me an expert because I enjoy being the expert of something important. (Like this.)

2. But honestly that poor old man who Voldemort and Pettigrew kill just because he’s there

HE LIVED HIS WHOLE LIFE and for what. To be killed by these clowns. I mean, honestly, if I ever own property and I see a building on that property somewhere being occupied by somebody, guess who’s not going to wander into the night to investigate. Me. I’m not. Do what you want in the places I’m not, wizard-killers. This is why I belong in Slytherin.

3. So this is the long hair movie

And I don’t want anyone to forget it. EVERYBODY HAS LONG HAIR. The twins, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, the whole gang! Not Cedric, though. Though he is who I absolutely would say “That. Hair.” about in this particular film. Because come on, you guys. I may not like Twilight, but I do like Edward’s hair. I am only a human being.

#Shag #Hairdos #Dot #Com

4. This tournament thing everyone’s at is EXACTLY what I imagine England and Ireland to be like

Well first, because there are English and Irish flags. And second, but this is just what I’ve always thought UK gatherings are like. Or football tournaments. Is this the UK equivalent of tailgating? Also:

4. b) OH MY GOD, whatever Malfoy

SO ANNOYING. How do these people (Draco and his dad) even have friends? Is that why Malfoy’s dad turned to the Dark Side? Because everyone else thought he was THE WORST? Like, he’s not even a COOL bad person. He’s just ANNOYING. Now he’s making fun of the Weasleys seats? Hey. *Knocks on window when Toby’s speaking ala Michael Scott in The Office* Nobody cares.

5. Honestly though Death Eaters are horrific

THEY LOOK LIKE GHOULS MIXED WITH A HATE GROUP. I hate their chanting, I hate their skull masks, I hate their capes, I hate them all. And HARRY, my GOD, get to the port key, man! In WHAT WORLD do you not follow Hermione and the rest of them? Also, important: further proof that Death Eaters are the actual and legitimate nemesis of all of us with hearts and minds: they ruin the fun football match. Just like, people have PLANNED for that — they took their holidays! And reason #149225825 to hate Death Eaters: they recruited David Tennant a.k.a. Doctor Who. TOO FAR, IDIOTS. TOO FAR.

6. So now all the schools are entering the Great Hall, and McGonagall’s face is a mix of both shock and also “meh”

Which I’m going to have to agree with. Like, CALM DOWN, other schools. You’re in OUR HOUSE now. Also, Ron is in love with Peter Crumb, so that is a fun development we get to follow. A funner development; Mooney is a FAKER, and only we know that because we have seen this movie before, not because he’s made it obvious. (Though I have a crush on evil David Tennant? Somebody help me.)

7. Well honestly if you don’t want to hug Neville to bits by this book/movie, you may as well just see yourself out

Neville watching the spider undergo the same curse as his parents. Oh my god. Oh my god. OH MY GOD AM I CRYING (maybe). And Hermione getting so upset by it. And then the spider dying. It is dead. AFTER THE WORST THREE MINUTES EVER. And now the rain is falling against the stained glass and making the person in the stained glass look like she’s crying. Just like you. Just like me. Emotions, thy name is Harry Potter.

8. Oh SIMMER DOWN, Ron!

See, this is why the Death Eaters are terrible. They’re even pitting Harry and Ron against each other. But Ron, like… use your words? Is that unreasonable? Instead you’re ignoring Harry, and not believing him, and WELP, honestly, if I were Harry, I would just… go to Hermione, I guess? Or win. And show him. Show all of them! Who am I even shouting at at this point? Oh I remember…

9. RITA SKEETER

UGHHHH she is ABSOLUTELY human representation of the gossip sites we have read and seen and heard about. And she of course exists in real life. Did you guys know she played the wife in Sleepy Hollow (the movie)? What about her role in Phantom of the Opera? Does it change how you feel about Rita? No? Because she represents the worst parts of the Internet? “His eyes were glistening with the ghosts of his past.” That’s not even good writing! And I’m not the authority on good writing or anything, but clearly compared to this, hers is tooootally lacking.

10. Remember though when Moody turns Malfoy into a ferret?

REMEMBER? Because we know that bullies are misunderstood, but Malfoy is the exception, clearly. Also:

10. b) HARRY AND RON, SORT IT OUT

Is it normal for dudes to get all huffy like this? I don’t even know grown women who act this way. Can you imagine? “Well why are you guys fighting?” – “She likes power!” – “…What? What’s actually the problem?” The answer? Jealousy. Or something completely unrelated. Either way, use your words, boys. Or turn into ferrets! No in-between!

11. Girlfriend is personifying the dragon over here

Is something wrong with me? Yes, because dragons aren’t real, and this one’s computer-animated. (Again, because dragons aren’t real.) But still! I mean, yes, it’s trying to kill Harry, but at the same time, it’s just doing what dragons do: breathe fire and attack things. I mean, have you READ The Hobbit? It’d be like telling a spider to stop crawling into my car after I open the windows. I mean, yes, please stop it, but also, I will kill you with a chocolate bar wrapper like I did the other night. (The spider, not the dragon. Like Hagrid, I am convinced I could make a dragon my pet.)

12. Also Neville is SO BRAVE IT’S UNFAIR

He’s waltzing and dancing and he is READY TO WOO THE GIRLS. And what does he do in 2011, friends? Does he woo the girls? Does he?! Yes. He does. And spoiler alert: he also kills Voldemort. Sidenote though: why is asking people to the dance so hard? AKA can you guys tell I wasn’t cool in high school and went to dances with friends and didn’t have a boyfriend? Because if I were these kids, I would be all, “You know what we should do? Screw having dates! We’ll go on our own!” And then I would spend most of the night trying to hang out with the guy I liked while all dressed up, making jokes about how much I hated dances.

13. Why is everyone so surprised that Hermione looks beautiful?

She’s HERMIONE! Played by Emma Watson, who is beautiful! Also, I mean, she’s abiding by the Sarah Silverman school of thought: “make it a treat.” In that she dresses up to make it a treat. She doesn’t wear fancy clothes every day. But come on, students of Hogwarts! She’s a beautiful butterfly!

Also, in my head, Dumbledore and McGonagall have totally had a thing. And it’s just as good as Hagrid and the French lady who teaches Fleur.

Sidenote: RON CAN JUST SHUT IT WHEN TALKING TO HERMIONE ABOUT HER CHOICE TO DATE CRUMB. He honestly needs to get it together. Puberty is not treating his emotions well. And of course Neville is dancing until the VERY END.

14. I like how Cedric’s hint is legitimately the hardest to figure out

Like, Harry says to him “hey, the first challenge are dragons.” And then Cedric is like “HEY. Why don’t you take your egg and mull it over in the bath.” HUH? WHAT? SPEAK UP, SON. All he had to say was, “Hey, put the egg under water.” And now we have Myrtle totally infringing on Harry’s privacy — while dropping the polyjuice potion hint. (Read: Moody is an imposter. An imposter, I tell you!)

15. Okay but the story of Barty Crouch Jr. and Barty Crouch Sr. breaks my heart

And that’s why I love Harry Potter so much. It’s so, so, so dark, and also so layered. Like the politics behind Death Eaters and even former political regimes go hand in hand — it’s such a commentary on the way our society works. Like, Barty Crouch had to give up his son, who had allegiances to Voldemort — and it killed him to do it, and then he was stigmatized, and GUYS. Has anyone written their thesis on Harry Potter? Because you need to. And then you need to send it to me. And then I will talk about it some more. Because what I’m saying is that Harry Potter is genius. (And the FEELINGS. I FEEL SO MANY.)

16. The maze scares me the most of all

I actually really hate mazes. I hate them so much. Well, I don’t mind them with a friend. But I also hate hide and go seek, and I hate all those games where somebody could jump out at me. Like, if you asked me to go through a haunted house (which is arguably a maze) alone, I would reject that idea, and not do that. And now here we have a maze that is getting smaller and smaller, and leading Harry right to Voldemort. And it’s going to get dark. Because Fleur’s been petrified (that’s what happened, right?) and Crumb’s suffering under the Imperious curse, and Cedric is going to die.

17. OH THIS IS DARK THOUGH

Guys, if you’re not moved by a) Cedric’s death and b) the spells Pettigrew begins and c) EVERYTHING YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE, then I don’t know how to communicate with you like a person. Like, these books are HEAVY. Harry’s blood is being used to fuel the return of Voldemort while Harry Potter screams in pain. THIS IS REALLY MESSED UP WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. And even if you don’t, right now Voldemort is rising out of the cauldron and yes, he is Ralph Fiennes, but he is also NOT Ralph Fiennes. I don’t know what to do if Ralph Fiennes doesn’t play a villain, by the way.

Also, do you think Tom Riddle cared when he didn’t look like a human being anymore? Do you think he stopped caring about not having a nose?

18. LOL NICE DISGUISE, MALFOY

All the death eaters show up (they were paged), and then Malfoy’s hair is underneath the mask while all the others are still in disguise. Like REALLY how did no one see that at the football game. Everyone else kind of blended in, and then there’s Luscious, whose flowing locks (not even in a bun?!) escape from underneath his veil. See? Now I’m writing like Rita Skeeter. But my god HE LOVES HIS HAIR. Are you the actor who played Luscious Malfoy? Did you love his hair too? I want to talk about this.

19. When Harry Potter’s parents show up YOU ARE CRYING THERE IS NO CHOICE

Oh my god, Cedric being all “take my body back” and his parents are coaching him and obviously I am crying I’m not a heartless monster. See, in every movie I cry more and more. The next, it will be when Sirius dies. But this time it’s when everyone discovers Cedric has died, and that Voldemort is back, and all of this is SO SAD AND SO TERRIBLE AND HARRY IS CRYING. And now my jacket is soaked because that’s where the tears are. (If you don’t cry though you really are no true Harry Potter friend or fan.)

20. BUT THEN THE MOODY REVEAL

Let’s talk about that, shall we? Let’s talk about how our MINDS were BLOWN upon the discovery that Moody was actually DAVID TENNANT? Now that’s a way to make your tears stop. And then at the last minute, they all discover the truth. And when I say “them” I say Severus Snape (my boyfriend), Dumbledore, and McGonagall. Also, Tennant is AMAZING at playing evil. He should play evil in every movie. And oh my god though why am I so attracted to Snape guys what’s happening. (Kidding! I’ve always known how much I loved him.)

21. I live for Harry/Dumbledor talks

I LIVE FOR THEM.

22. And these poor kids, though honestly

Worst year ever. And also about to get even worse than it already was. I JUST CARE ABOUT EVERYBODY SO MUCH, YOU KNOW? THERE ARE A LOT OF FEELINGS HERE. Yes, for these fictional characters. But are they so fictional? Yes. But do we care? GOD NO. Goodbye, Cedric. Goodbye, Robert Pattinson. Hello, next movie. Where if you thought this movie was dark, you will discover what darkness really is.

Let’s laugh at this, at least. I love you, Hogwarts. MAKE ME A WIZARD.

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