Now we’re in the thick of it. In action films, they’d say something “it’s go time.” But here at Old Lady Movie Night, we say, “we’re going to cry a lot — get ready.”
We ARE going to cry a lot, so you really should get ready. These are the movies where things happen. Happen in the way of death and endings, and by no means “happen” in terms of “wow everybody’s feeling very positive right now.” Even the ending is heartbreaking — the happy ending, in which everything works out.
No, this is not a “feel good” experience. This is “return from these movies as a shell of the person you once were.” And I’m excited about it. That’s right: I live for this ish. And if you’re not going to cry with me, I’m just going to cry even more. This is what Kleenex was made for. Today, we are all members of Dumbledore’s Army.
1. The Ministry of Magic is the worst
But not just in this movie, it just IS. I read this article a while back (I think on Buzzfeed?) about how the Ministry of Magic is basically a dictatorship — like, the ULTIMATE Big Brother. And you can only work for it, or be in law (magic?) enforcement, or teach at a school, or . . . that’s it. I mean, they even have artists? They have to. I’m sure you can be an artist. And then here they come starting off Deathly Hallows by announcing they will “remain strong.” YEAH OKAY. Maybe if they’d paid attention to muggle history FOR ONCE, they’d know just how well statements like that usually go. I mean, come on. Worst wizards ever.
2. Confirmed: still have feelings for Snape
BECAUSE I KNOW THE TRUTH. (However, I absolutely did NOT have feelings for Snape when I was reading the books and wanted to find Alan Rickman and belittle him for accepting the role of a complete and utter traitor.) Let’s talk about this: when Snape runs to Voldemort headquarters and is all, “This is the jam — Harry’s leaving his aunt’s house!” you kind of want to be like “AHHH but you LOVE IT, and you’re totally IN ON THIS!” (Because in your heart, Snape has just looked at the camera and winked. At you, and only you.)
Also, I think it’s his clothes. The man can carry off a black cloak, I’ll tell you that much for free.
3. The Harry/Aunt goodbye kills me — but not as much as Hermione’s to her parents
Or lack thereof, I should say. Honestly, Hermione wins Harry Potter hands down. Not only does she just get things done, nobody has to tell her to get said things done, AND then she does those things with a grace and stoicism I didn’t think possible. I’d be hysterical if I had to remove myself from my parents’ memories and lives. Can you imagine? No, because imagining that is TERRIBLE. But nope: Hermione sheds a single tear and accepts that it’s not business, it’s personal.
“Nothing’s more personal than business. It’s the most personal thing there is.” – Michael Scott
4. And then we don’t really even get a real Hedwig death?
I mean, we definitely do: we physically see Hedwig die. But that’s it? Like, maybe I’m just not cut out to be a wizard (I’m not), but that, to me, would be worse than any other bad thing that we’ve witnessed since starting at Hogwarts. Though I’ll be honest: when I saw this in the theatres I was so relieved they grazed over the Hedwig death because for reasons I don’t fully understand, this part turned me into an emotional puddle while reading the novel more than any other part.
5. Also, RIP Mad Eye Mooney
File under: NOT FAIR, WASN’T READY, NEEDED HIM Also: Death Eaters, you’re all freaks.
6. Honestly I will say I think Voldemort needs a hobby
Because his whole lot in life is to kill Harry Potter. Okay cool. But then what? What are you going to do after you do it? Are you just going to find another enemy or are you going to sit on your throne ‘o evil and marinate because you’re going to live forever? Can you imagine how insufferable he’d be if he established world domination? Just roaming the halls, bored, like some dude who didn’t know when to retire because he’d earned billions and billions of dollars. “Dinner plans tonight, Voldemort?” someone would ask. He’d respond with a mindless shrug. And don’t get me started on birthdays: what do you get the boy who has everything? A sled that says “Rosebud,” I think.
7. Harry Potter’s visions are not to be trusted, according to me, someone who is wrong
Even when they are. And maybe this makes me a horrible friend (yes), but if Harry was like “I had a vision that Voldemort can’t kill me with his wand!” I’d tell him it was a trap, because Voldemort KNOWS HOW TO GET INTO YOUR HEAD, HARRY, HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS? Then I think I would suggest that we all pack up and move on to our lives under the sea. Nobody in the wizard community watches The Simpsons, so they wouldn’t even be able to tell me I ripped the idea off Homer J. WHY AREN’T I THE STAR OF THIS SERIES.
8. When everybody gets Dumbledore’s gifts divvied up I would be jealous of the gifts I didn’t get
Because I am a horrible person. I would assume that Hermione got The Tales of Beedle the Bard because I wasn’t smart enough, and that Ron got the Deluminator because he was just . . . better. Actually I think I’d just be mad if I were Harry. A snitch and the Gryffindor sword I DIDN’T EVEN GET BECAUSE OF THE MINISTRY. I’d be done. Back to the human world I’d go! See if I can get my job back at American Eagle or something.
9. Just back off for ONCE IN YOUR LIVES, DEATH EATERS
First, they take over the Ministry (DUH), then they assassinate someone. THEN they interrupt a WEDDING because ARE YOU SERIOUS. You can’t even give them a night, can you? Not even just an evening? A FREAKING HOUR? “Let’s interrupt a wedding” said THE WORST PERSON YOU CAN THINK OF. Honestly, I bet even the one human you hate the most in this entire world wouldn’t interrupt a wedding. Not even an evil ghost. ESPECIALLY not an evil ghost. (Though yes, the ghost would be very upset if he/she wasn’t invited.) Imagine that’s all this was about? Voldemort not being invited to Bill and Fleur’s wedding? The ultimate George Bluth lesson: “And that’s why you should always double check your guest list.”
10. Oh OF COURSE Delores Umbridge has the horcrux locket
Because OF COURSE she does. Why wouldn’t she? She, out of all people, ABSOLUTELY would’ve wanted to wear a piece of Voldemort’s soul around her neck. OF COURSE.
11. Nerves x 9252852582424 when Hermione, Ron, and Harry have to pretend to work at the Ministry
Which is why I guess they revealed the location of No. 12 Grimmauld Place to a death eater. And listen. I won’t lie. If I had to break into the Ministry of Magic and pretend I was another person I would for sure let slip not only my secret hideout, but also who I was and probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. (“MY NAME IS ANNE T. DONAHUE AND I USED TO SPY ON THE BOY I LIKED WITH MY BEST FRIEND IN HER CAR AND WE WOULD HIDE AND EAT SNACKS UNTIL HE LEFT AND THEN WE’D FOLLOW HIM HOME WHERE WE WOULD FREAK OUT IF WE THOUGHT HE SAW US” – “Okay . . . listen, i just asked where the bathroom was.”)
12. Ron getting emotional over the horcrux locket is legitimately all of us
We get it, Ron. And we get Ron! I don’t even need to be wearing a piece of somebody’s soul on my person to absolutely hate everyone I’m hanging around with when I haven’t eaten yet and have slept for only a few hours. Actually, just being in the woods makes me feel the way Ron does. Why? Because I hate the woods. But remember when Ron full-on hallucinates and Harry and Hermione are making out? Let’s talk about none of us ever being prepared for that, nor really ever wanting to experience it again. #HERMIONE #AND #RON #4EVER
13. Worst Christmas ever
Is the caption on any and all of photos of Harry and Hermione staring at his parents’ graves on Christmas. RIP joy, RIP happiness. RIP any eye makeup I may have been wearing because the tears aren’t going to stop anytime soon.
14. “And that’s why you never jump in a frozen pond to retrieve a sword while wearing a horcrux”
Is what Ron should’ve said after pulling Harry out of the frozen pond. LISTEN, PAL. I don’t care what patronus charm lured you to this frozen lake, but you do NOT attempt a rescue operation for the Gryffindor sword without a buddy! Even tell Hermione! EVEN LEAVE A NOTE. (Which is why you should always leave a note.) Let’s all have a moment of praise for Ron, who cleansed himself of all negativity JUST IN TIME and probably realized upon arrival that he wasn’t crazy in terms of locket paranoia when he noticed the exact same necklace was TRYING TO DROWN A HUMAN BEING.
15. I love Luna’s dad, but I’d love him more if he was still playing himself as Spike from Notting Hill
Spike would’ve somehow made the story of the three brothers even more interesting. Also, Spike wouldn’t have betrayed Harry, Hermione, and Ron. Spike just would’ve called the newspapers to tell them where they were.
Okay, so I guess Spike still would’ve betrayed them.
16. And this is where Bellatrix is just the worst
THE WORST. But also, AMAZING because Helena Bonham-Carter is amazing and plays evil so well you literally can’t take her eyes off the screen. That being said, I do take my eyes off the screen when she starts torturing hermione, and I also cover my ears, and I actually fast forward this part completely because it’s incredibly upsetting. But Hermione is SO BRAVE. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if Bellatrix ever captured me, from the minute she looked at me I’d be like, “Yo. What do you want? You want money? Information? Girl, I will give you whatever you want. You want a watch? I’ve got a watch. You like credit cards? Let’s find you some.” And then all of a sudden this movie would be American Hustle, she’d give me money for a loan she’d never get, and I’d be singing to “Live and Let Die.”
17. DOBBY FOREVER
So Dobby appears and starts saving everybody, and before you know it you are sobbing and so is everybody you’ve ever met.
You also feel very conflicted because:
18. You feel so bad for Draco
SO BAD FOR HIM. Ultimately, he doesn’t have a choice. He can’t just say, “No, Dad! I don’t wanna be evil anymore! I wanna DANCE!” He’s GOT TO kill people. Ugh. The poor guy. Raised by the worst father in the universe (WHAT DID NARCISSA SEE IN HIM) and then brought up to be some soldier for the most upsetting army on the planet. I can’t even hope Harry kills him. I just want Draco to run away with them so everybody can be friends.
19. And then Dobby dies
And even typing “here lies Dobby, a free elf” is making me cry so guess what we’re not going to talk about. (Dobby dying. Or Dobby’s funeral. Or how brave he was. Neither thing. Sorry, everyone, goodnight. We tried.)
20. BUT VOLDEMORT WOULD
He WOULD take the Elder Wand from Dumbledore wouldn’t he? He’d just go right into a DEAD PERSON’S RESTING PLACE and take something from his CASKET. Why? Because he’s the kind of evil thing even a ghost would be afraid of. He has no respect. He’s never listened to Aretha Franklin. He’s CERTAINLY never watched Ghost Hunters. Otherwise he’d know: dude, you do NOT mess with the afterlife. Because when you do, you become Volde–
Oh my god. Nothing can stop him. Only . . . a boy.
TO BE CONTINUED DUN DUN DUN