Anne T. Donahue
September 19, 2013 8:00 am

THE TIME HAS COME! This week, we enter the second instalment of our Harry Potter-a-thon with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Are you scared? You should be. With every film we watch, we get closer and closer to the last movie, where I will probably just post 20 photos of me sobbing. And can you blame me? Absolutely not, because I, like you, feel the same type of emotional attachment to the Harry Potter franchise as I do to my cat, who I believe to be my biological son.

Thus, we mustn’t waste time. We must move forward, onward, in a magical car, and go full steam ahead into a chamber ‘o secrets that is STILL cooler than any of the schools I attended.

1. The Harry Potter theme means everything to me

And I say this because right now Harry is hanging out in his room and Hedwig is with him, and he’s looking at a photo album of Hogwarts gifs and I want to cry…? Because this is beautiful? And meaningful? (Well it is.) Regardless, why aren’t all of our phone ringtones the Harry Potter theme. Where did we all go wrong, world? WHERE.

2. Harry’s muggle family = THE WORST

But for real, what is wrong with these people? This kid is legitimately a tiny baby (he’s what — 12?) and they’re treating him like an adult man who wronged them in a way none of us can ever understand. Also, LET HIM LET THE OWL OUT. HE NEEDS TO FLY FREE. Isn’t that animal abuse? Can’t Harry Potter legitimately call animal control on them, and then escape himself? No? Because that’s not how the spell worked? All this because Petunia was jealous of her magical sister? Okay, terrific. I am ashamed to be a muggle.

3. I didn’t like Dobby at first (like, when I first saw this — years ago)

I loved him eventually! But you have to understand how I, a person who likes her personal space and peace and quiet, hated how this elf just showed up and started making a commotion and then hitting his head on things when everyone was supposed to be quiet. Like I said, I’M SORRY. But Dobby, why don’t you understand you need to be quiet, guy? Honestly, I would have a meltdown. Though I just laughed out loud when the cake dropped on the woman’s head. (Because, duh.)

4. Like, honestly though, muggle family members: WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE

Like if you hated someone, wouldn’t you WANT them to leave the house? Harry’s uncle and aunt should be dancing for joy every time Harry goes back to school. They should be like, “K whatever, goodbye freak.” And the rest of us would be like “Yeah SEE YA, boring humans!” And then we would all hang out at the Weasley residence which honestly seems like the coziest place on earth. (And I also imagine all English houses to look like.)

5. If I ever have children, I will be the type of mother Mrs. Weasley is

I just want that kind of power. I want my children to fear and respect me. I don’t even know if I want kids, but I do know that if I end up wanting them, I want to bring the noise all the time whilst being the most brave of all. I don’t think that’s a tall order (even if it’s impossible because she’s perfect).

6. Harry Potter, ENUNCIATE

Like, he had ONE instruction: “Speak very very clearly.” And what does he say? He does NOT say “Diagon Alley” that’s for sure. He says something with the word “lily” in it. HARRY: an infant could have said the words clearer. You had one job! One! And granted, had you said the word correctly you wouldn’t have found yourself in the terrifying store of death (which of course leads to a key plot point), but I mean, one job: “speak very very clearly.”

7. Oh jog on, Lucius

The first thing he does is lift up Harry’s hair, then looks at his scar, then talks about how legendary Voldemort is. THE HELL?! Can you imagine anyone going up to you like that? “I see you have the scar from the night your parents died what’s up?” Oh, and THEN he judges the Weasleys on their second-hand books (which EVERYONE buys in university, so shut it, L-Malf), and THEN he calls Hermione a mudblood. But not before he plants a horcrux in Harry Potter’s basket. Terrific! A real great guy.

8. You guys, I saw a play starring only Professor Sprout last Christmas!!!

This is important information because Miriam Margolyes RULES ALL. She wrote the play, and it was about Charles Dickens and it was called Dickens’ Women, and it was terrific and wonderful, and I felt like a better human being having watched it.

9. Like you, I am also confused by my feelings for Kenneth Branagh

No, no, not like, in life. (I mean, duh, he is fantastic.) BUT this character is THE WORST GUY (what a mansplainer!) and smart women like Hermione are still drawn to his charm. Is Gilderoy representative of the guys in school we’d like because they were the devil? Let’s say yes, because even though Draco is actually the devil, he’s not fake like Gilderoy. YA DIG?

10. When Ron eats slugs I legitimately want to throw up

Because he looks like he’s throwing up. It’s too much! I can watch a lot of things (like, hello, I watch The Walking Dead), but I can’t watch people throwing up — food or slugs. And Ron looks so SICK, and the SOUND. The only thing that makes it better is that Hagrid makes Hermione feel better after Draco calls her a mudblood (and knowing Draco’s Dad — in any other context — would be the weird guy with the really long hair).

11. The spiders THE SPIDERS OH GOD HELP THE SPIDERS

Do you guys want to know my biggest fear? The poor cat Mrs. Norris, who’s been petrified, followed by an entire ARMY OF SPIDERS the gang is about to cross paths with. That, and having the same hair as Snape which I realized I have a similar cut as — but that’s neither here nor there.

12. Another reason I’d be a terrible wizard despite wanting to be a wizard/witch so badly: the month-long polyjuice potion

I am so impatient, you guys. So impatient that as soon as Hermione said “a month” I’d be like “ahh… well… I guess we better not, then.” OR “Well why don’t we just break into the Slytherin house by force and kidnap Draco.” And see, that would result in my expulsion and arrest. So maybe I DO belong in Slytherin? According to Draco’s dad, I bet I do. THAT HAIR, though. Now I know exactly what Lucille Bluth was talking about whenever she saw Oscar.

13. I am going to name my first child Minerva

And again, I don’t know if I’m going to have kids, but if I do, I will be exactly like Mrs. Weasley, and then I will name one Minerva, regardless of gender. Why? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE NAMED MINERVA. Professor McGonagall is the greatest professor of all. Her face should be on all the jumping frog cards. All of them.

13. Gilderoy, however, should be on zero jumping frog cards — and also unemployed forever

How did he get past the hiring process here? Like, at what point did they accept his application? Was there no screening? Or standardized testing? Did Dumbledore not pick up on this guy being the absolute worst? Was it the big name? Did they need publicity? I have a lot of thoughts and fears. Or did he trick his way in? Wait, no. I remember. I’M SORRY, it’s been a while. Also, I’m distracted by Malfoy and Harry Potter fighting with wands. I can’t be blamed.

14. I wish I could talk to snakes

Is that wrong? I would be completely happy to be a parseltongue — and if you had that gift, you would own it too. I think I’m sinking more and more into the Slytherin house. First Snape’s hair, my want to talk to snakes, the fact I would happily break into the Slytherin house instead of being patient for a spell to work… the fact that I would like to marry Snape, probably. Look. Just a lot of feelings. Tell me you share them too.

15. But speaking of feelings: Fawkes the Phoenix

NOT ENOUGH FEELINGS IN THE WORLD. The music comes on, and Fawkes combusts, but then he rises again, and he CRIES. That we haven’t gotten to yet, of course, but when it happens, know that I will not hold back my emotions.

16. But Harry Potter! TELL DUMBLEDORE ABOUT EVERYTHING

Am I right?! What’s wrong with you, kid?! McGonagall literally takes him right to his office to tell him about everything going down with the parseltongue and the terrifying-ness and the spiders and ALL OF IT. But instead he walks into Dumbledore’s office and says nothing. NOTHING! He watches Fawkes burn up, and when Dumbledore says “is there anything you want to tell me?” he’s like “nah, I’m cool.” ARE YOU, HARRY? ARE YOU COOL?

17. Turning into a cat like Hermione would be my dream

I know it wasn’t part of the plan, but I would emerge from that bathroom stall so empowered and like I was officially ME. And Ron and Harry would be like “what is your damage?!” and I would start rolling around on the ground shouting, “I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE!”  And this is why I think I would fare badly in Gryffindor, guys, Because I would be trying to turn into a cat like McGonagall instead of doing literally anything else.

18. The minute Tom Riddle’s book began talking back to me, I would burn it and then assume it was The Exorcist

I say this because I’ve never seen The Exorcist, so everything terrifying I relate to that. So as soon I as I began writing in the book and it answered, “Hello, Harry Potter,” I would throw it into the sea and move onto the piece of land I mentioned last week. I would also tell everyone, and I mean EVERYONE what was going on. How does Harry Potter keep all of these secrets? Do you know how many secrets I can keep? …Like, five. Five a year. I can keep five secrets a year, and they’re always about somebody else. Translation: everyone would have to hear about the book talking to me, and then the hallucination I experienced within the book because it’s not about anybody else.

19. Honestly Tom Riddle picking on Hagrid makes me angrier than anything

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PICK ON HAGRID HE HAS A HEART OF GOLD. Ron said it best: “Tom Riddle sounds like a dirty, rotten snitch.” Are you reading this, actor who plays Hagrid? I’d like to hug you and your character, because you’re both beautiful gifts.

20. “Follow the spiders”

I honestly can’t tell you how much I want to remove the DVD from the player right now and toss it on top of the book I just sent out into the sea. Not because Harry Potter isn’t brilliant, but because GUYS THEY ARE FOLLOWING SPIDERS INTO A FOREST. I am a 28-year-old woman, and I still freak out if I see a spider to the point of asking whoever is home to kill it because I HATE SPIDERS SO MUCH. I hate them. I know, it’s irrational because in Canada they’re tiny, but I don’t care. Guys, THINK ABOUT IT. These guys are following spiders into the woods only to meet THE BIGGEST SPIDER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. And then that spider is enormous and oh my god I think I’m going to pass out, and then the big spider gets the little ones to TURN ON THEM.

Oh my GOD they’re in a cave crawling with spiders What if I just turn into dust right now because my heart stops. Seriously, this is worse than Breaking Bad. AND NOW THE SPIDERS ARE EVERYWHERE ALL OVER THEM. All over their car! ONE SPIDER crawled on my car while I was driving and I was almost paralyzed — and it was on the outside. Also why would you turn on Harry Potter, spider?! I can’t. I can’t right now. How is this something that’s happening. RIP all of us. Again. I would need to shower eight million times because I would be convinced spiders were crawling on me FOR YEARS.

21. Well here’s the thing about Tom Riddle

He is attractive, and that’s difficult. Why? Because he’s evil.

Also: shout-out to the school who tells Harry Potter NOTHING meaning that Harry walks right into the school’s plumbing system with no help or warning, and now has to fight an enormous snake. However, that’s not nearly as important as…

22. How much time it took Tom Riddle to come up with “Voldemort,” probably

Honestly, though, how long do you think it took? Do you think he just hung out and used that notebook he’d given to Ginny and spent a good afternoon coming up with better and worse names? I do. I think that. And do you know why? Because Tom Riddle was SO PROUD to show Harry Potter his new fun rap name. “MC VOLDEMORT!” cried Thomas Riddle. And then Fawkes shows up, and was like “No, I’m blinding your snake, PEACE.” We did it, Fawkes.

23. Harry Potter > all of us 

Because I know I wouldn’t think to destroy the book. I would probably at this point, after being bitten by the enormous snake, accept my untimely fate and then cry, but also ask questions like “So… what the hell, man?” and “What’s your problem?” But not Harry: he SAVES GINNY, and then he destroys a horcrux, and then he kills the giant snake, and he doesn’t even cry about his impending doom. I bet that’s why…

24. Fawkes comes back

And I CRY LIKE A FREAK OF NATURE. What is it about this music?! And Fawkes’ face? How do I go from zero to a hundred like this? DON’T CRY FAWKES. But at the same time, CRY, FAWKES because you are saving Harry Potter. I bet this is why people buy birds. Where’s my cat. I want to cuddle him and pretend he’s a phoenix.

25. I love Dobby so much, though, forever

Oh my god HOW COULD YOU HURT HIM, MALFOY FAMILY. He just wants to try his best. And he loves Harry Potter. And just… HOW CAN YOU HURT PEOPLE, MAN. (I’m talking to Mr. Malfoy now.) But it’s okay. Do you know why? Of course you know why. Because Dobby is a FREE ELF. HE IS NOW A FREE ELF. And the tears. All of the tears. All of the happiest tears. I am beyond excited that we have six movies left. SIX.

Though let’s not forget that the last one will be a taped recording of me crying to the point of hysterics. Prepare yourselves.

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